#Resistance Hyatus

I have not abandoned my labor of love, Wisdom From the Galaxy, but I have been sidetracked by the shockwave that entered the world in November. My participation in the Resistance has occupied my time as a would a full-time job. The resistance takes first and full priority, though I am trying to create and balance. One way to achieve this balance I am continuing my Wisdom From the Galaxy stories, portraying the mystery of the high desert and the cathartic effect of my companion rabbit Galaxy…..Resist, Persist, take comfort in entertainment and recreational reading.

Photo collage depicting the power of companion animals and the universe

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Heart Break Winter Vlog and How Galaxy & I Met The Joey

Winter brought a freeze to the shards of my heart with each piece frozen in time. Darkness dominated the evening hours while overflowing tears created a constant stream traveling down my face throughout the nights. …….Continue

Galaxy & The Joey Part 1: Heart Break Winters

Galaxy & The Joey Part 2: Thanks-Give-Me-Joey coming soon!

Wisdom From The Galaxy

The Joey, The Galaxy, & Me: Acquiesce

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Galaxy & The Joey Part 1: Heart Break Winter

Winter brought a freeze to the shards of my heart with each piece frozen in time. Darkness dominated the evening hours while overflowing tears created a constant stream traveling down my face throughout the nights.

Photo collage depicting the loss of love and heartbreakAny traces of Mr. Wonderful fell to the desert winds, none of us knowing what direction. His disappearance left no clues and his welfare was still a complete unknown. I was facing many questions, with few answers, and no communication. Given the ambiguous circumstances, of his sudden absence, the only option available to me was relinquishing loyalty to Mr. Wonderful as there was no sign of him returning to Joshua Tree.

Galaxy had been my most sacred comfort and each day his beauty and joyous disposition was my salvation. At the same time, I knew in my heart how much Galaxy missed Mr. Wonderful, though Galaxy was much more able to live in the moment.photo collage depicting the pain and wisdom from heartbreak, relationships, mental illness, animal wisdom, heartbreak, woman over 40

A pivotal question kept crashing through my mind while lingering in constant conflict with my heart. How do I grieve with no specific about what I have lost? At this point, his absence and lack of contact indicated an indefinite end to our relationship. I reached inside myself searching the depths of my heart and soul for answers, but all I found was wide canyons and crude fissures of regrets and terrors.

One reality was certain, in each passing moment the man I loved was far out of my reach to an extent that was incomprehensible.

What I did have full knowledge of was the fact that he was not physically present, not within my reach, and not making contact with any of us. I was aware, of the folks fully present who would prove to be my strength. To survive the gaping hole left in my chest, I would have to embrace what and whom existed in my physical proximity. The Wisdom of the Infinite Galaxy was on its way carrying gifts.

Thanksgiving was soon to arrive while my car was malfunctioning beyond my financial means thus forcing me into an isolation turning my heartache into a deep cut stinging in the biting cold. Without my vehicle, I could not see my family and asking them to come and get me would need to be saved for Christmas.

affirmation, forgiveness, child abuse, substance abuse, deception, heartbreak, mental illness
There was more to be discovered about Mr. Wonderful sending shock waves into my entire sense of wellness….

At this point I was unaware that relief was on its way, bending my path sideways with ironic roots tracing back to Mr. Treeman dysfunction and Mr. Wonderful’s sudden disappearance. Finesse acquired the driving privilege of Mr. Treeman’s car to help care for his place since she considered it her responsibility since she had set up the arrangement for Mr. Wonderful which ended up falling apart. In a mere moment, this mutually beneficial agreement fell ruptured in the middle of our holiday rituals. Genie, a member of our tribe who I did not know as well as Finesse, invited an intimate few to her house for Thanksgiving, which was a small but distinct print in the desert sand on my long road to salvation. What seemed like lost wandering circles of events and subsequent emotions was actually a secure path forward, making a full circle back to me. mess.

Finesse, her boyfriend Peter Pan, Galaxy and I had been invited to Genie’s home for a Thanksgiving gathering. Since Finesse managed to commandeer Mr. Wonderful’s transportation, while my car was malfunctioning, she offered to give me and Galaxy a ride, so we could take part in Genie’s holiday meal.

The plot twists that would occur before we arrived at the Genie’s house, would set off a turn of events, reminding me that although my heart was in shattered ruins, it was still indeed beating.

Finesse needed to stop at the grocery store before going to Genie’s place. I was riding in my familiar passenger’s seat that I had shared with Mr. Wonderful, so I was able to notice a distinct problem. The vehicle alignment was rickety. Finesse examined the area around the tires as we got out of the car. The tread of the tire was completely worn, and the balding was so bad that wire was exposed. The sounds I heard as Finesse drove and applied the brakes was indicative of rotor and CV boot problems accelerating wear on the tire. Finesse wondered if the car would make it to Genie’s place and since it was so close we decided to join the gathering and figure out a solution before the end of the evening.

Despite this setback, It was a beautiful celebration, and I began to rediscover once again the spirited quality of our Joshua Tree connections, the same of which led me to Mr. Wonderful. I missed him so much and at the same time I wanted desperately to be fully present in these precious moments gifted to me that involved loved one’s still physically with me in Joshua Tree. A huge feast awaited us, though assuming it was a potluck, we brought food. We enjoyed several helpings of well-prepared dishes and desserts.

mandalarew
The vision of him on stage was a mandala; I danced through the set only knowing that this was a person who would be part of my high desert activity indefinitely…..

Genie brought out her stack of Motown records and we danced for hours. As any gathering with Finesse, several photos taken allowed us to savor so many of these moments. This chilly night was a baby step on the long road to mending my broken heart though at the time I was not cognizant of this subtle change. This was the evening when new things came to me that would fill the space cleared by such a painstaking void.

This night, though Thanksgiving not Christmas, manifested in several gifts that seemed to be created for me and Galaxy. When Genie saw the tambourine that Galaxy had acquired at our horse rescue, she brought out an infant toy version of a tambourine that was far better and designed for a bunny. The tambourine was one of Genie’s daughter’s baby toys and at this time a gift for my Galaxy.

Later that evening the Joshua’s Tree arrived. Joshua’s Tree, and I had connected with him on Facebook, as a long-time friend of Finesse and her family. In my darkest hours of desperately missing Mr. Wonderful another lucky star was not far from me and Galaxy. I asked Finesse about him once I had accepted his friend request and she assured me that he was “one of us” and part of the tribe. Joshua’s Tree arrived with his guitar and Finesse’s mother eagerly anticipated him playing for all of us. Genie turned off the Motown tunes as Joshua’s Tree tuned his guitar.

Joshua’s Tree reminded me of a human sized genome, living inside an old tree, with soulful eyes and a welcoming smile. His clothing was tattered, yet his talent was at such a high-caliber that he played in so many venues. The signature harmonic strums of Joshua’s Tree’s guitar mesmerized Galaxy touching his delicate ears like tiny angels.

Galaxy was on the couch between myself and Moreen and as Galaxy slammed his brand new tambourine in syncopation, as Joshua’s Tree played the song which to this day Galaxy favors. Joshua’s Tree guitar playing puts Galaxy in a trance and he still accompanies Joshua’s Tree on his tambourine to the same song and in the same style.

Before Joshua’s Tree left Genie’s house, a less convenient surprise of nature created a potentially embarrassing situation. I had not had a period for nine months and resigned myself to this stage of life being over permanently. In a moment, I was bleeding and made a beeline for the bathroom before leaving a stain on Genie’s couch. My light-colored pants had a visible stain I had to wash out in the bathroom sink as much as possible. I could feel a cold sting as the water ran pierced the joints of my fingers and the bones of my knuckles. This sensation boosted an unhealthy adrenaline speeding up my heart rate and accentuating the pain I was so desperate to forget. A sharp pain surged through my hands as I grasped my pants and the blood washed down the sink. A bitter, frustrated tear fell from my eye as I tried to breathe through the sharp pains in my chest. Even if the stain did not show, my pants were soaking wet. My house was close, but I was without the mobility to run home and change.

I put the wet pants back on hoping no one would notice and that the dry air of the fire would take care of the problem. As uplifting as this festive night was for all of us, our sudden lack of transportation was still unresolved.

Throughout the evening, I heard talk of a new friend of Peter Pan Finesse referred to as a “guy crush.” It was clear that Peter-Pan was better equipped to replace Mr. Wonderful with another bar buddy, then I was to replace the man who I loved. Peter-Pan ended up on the phone with his new friend, The Joey. After this conversation of which I was paying little attention, Peter Pan announced that the Joey was on his way over, and would give Finesse and Peter Pan a ride home. When I asked about me, Finesse said with full confidence that he would take me home too. Since they lived all the way out in Joshua Tree Park and I was in the opposite direction, it did not seem plausible. Could Peter Pan be friends with someone so kind and charitable?

The Thanksgiving Joey arrived soon after Joshua’s Tree departed. Moreen, Finesse’s mother had also left. I was introduced to the Joey as he walked through Genie’s door and I made a half-hearted gesture from the couch of acknowledgement. “Hi, nice to meet you. This is Galaxy.” The Joey’s eyes widened creating a flicker of hazel and green tones, as he noticed a real live rabbit on my lap seated  atop  the bunny blanket I was using to conceal my still soaking wet pants. “

Oh, hi Galaxy, nice to meet you too.” I could only respond with a poignant distance, given how embarrassing quality of my wet

pastel drawing, house rabbit
Original artwork by Candice Silsby

pants, I was so desperate to keep concealed. I was also too deeply engaged in a multitude of thoughts. I was processing my emotions concerning my admission to Finesse about how much I missed Mr. Wonderful; I had not been sure she would empathize. Her father had passed away and she could not conceive of anything worse; my father had died more than ten years prior and the multitude of circumstances of Mr. Wonderful leaving me was so much more painful.

Shortly after his arrival, the Joey sat on the tile right by the warmth of the fire. He actually had a much longer history with Genie, so he had been invited to the gathering and as it seemed he must have been on the guest list expecting to arrive late. He had a band music, drummer, friends, music, communitysubtlety macabre upbeat demeanor, with a sharp wit that snapped stronger than the crackle coming from the fireplace. He demonstrated his problem-solving skills as he offered ideas and suggestions about the tire on the car while committing himself to helping them once again in the following AM.

To my eye, The Joey looked like a snowboarder warming up by the evening fire in a log cabin wearing thick warm felted wool. I stared at his olive skin tinting from the fire dancing on his face. As an artist I naturally scan people and objects with my eyes until the whole picture is complete and clear in front of me. My investigation revealed his woolen winter clothes with Teva style sandals and no socks. I laughed to myself as I remembered all the times I bundled up for the cool and did not have the energy left to put on socks or wasn’t able to locate a pair of clean ones. I did not resist the urge to comment……

Galaxy and The Joey Part 2: Thank-Give-Me Joey

Temperance and The Devil

Cougar in the Hunt

The Joey, The Galaxy, & Me Gallery

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Galaxy & The Joey : Heartbreak Winter & Pictorial Preview

Galaxy & The Joey Part 1: Heart Break Winters

Galaxy & The Joey Pictorial Preview:

“He was upbeat and quick-witted……” photo collage, woman over 40, music, drumming, community, high desert, relationships, tribe, lust, sexuality and menopause

“To my eye he looked like a snowboarder warming up by the evening fire in a ski lodge wearing thick warm flannel…….”

Galaxy, spirituality, hope, peace, calm, tranquility

 

 

 

“I stared at the olive skin of his face, tinting from the fire dancing shadows on his face, shinning light on his blonde hair, and accentuating his green eyes……”

“We layed down side by side as if it was natural and expected. I knew that he genuinely cared about checking on Galaxy, though it was also clear he was seizing an opportunity to be alone with me…..”photo collage mandalla

“His hands were all over me the entire night, but now that he had me alone he exhibited an almost methodical self-control….”

“….He placed his entire body on top of mine, wrapping his arms tight around me laughing harder as he gripped me tighter and put more of his weight on me….”

New Wisdom From the Galaxy Blog Series:  Galaxy and The Joey Part 1: Heartbreak Winter
LELO

 

 

 

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Temperance & The Devil 8: Fire in The Hills

Continuing story of Temperance and the Devil Part 7

VLog

lake fire 2015, falling in love, natural world, relationship, house rabbit, photo collage
How could I feel such love with so much devastation closing in on everyone including the two of us?

As a characteristic of late July and August, inland areas of the our bone dry California landscape are vulnerable to wildfires creating an insurmountable scare. This year the wildfires were burning thousands of acres close enough to see in the air and breath. It was orange outside and breathing was painful on the lungs. I was terrified of the fire spreading to Joshua Tree or fires starting in Joshua Tree.

I was in a panic mode given the fire that had destroyed my entire life years before and was I felt terrified of losing my home. The fact that I was starting an intimate relationship with someone wonderful made me feel almost guilty. How could I feel such love with so much devastation closing in on everyone including the two of us? 

In my natural surroundings my beautiful baby Flycatcher tweets were transitioning out of their nest. The previous year the

#MojaveAshThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nightsky #romanticencounter #CaliforniaHi-Desert #relationshipdoubts #love #love'suncertainty #fear
original photo by Candice Silsby

chicks had left the nest one morning by the time I went out to see them. This year, I saw them test their wings for a couple of days first, as they called out to each other. There was a ringleader sibling among the four babies whom the other three chicks looked to for guidance. They made baby-flights out of the nest, within the Joshua tree, testing their wings gradually, talking with each other with every hop and flap of their tiny wings. It was bittersweet to watch, given how the firefighters were struggling to contain all the fires so close to us. Tracking the daily lives of these chicks was having a beautiful cathartic effect on me. Over several days I watched the adult Flycatchers build the nest with the familiar high desert debris with Galaxy’s fur shedding and wool from my house. I knew the babies had hatched when I heard their chirps coming from the nest and after a few days their tiny beaks poking out of the nest awaiting their next meal. With each day more of the birds could be seen from below the nest and I had a wonderful view from the latter that I positioned for filming their daily growth and activities.

My baby hatchlings fledging drew me out of a depressive episode and renewed my faith and hope. This hatching and Ruby Throated Flycatcher, fledglings, baby birds, joshua tree, bird's nest, love, relationships, high desertinfancy directly correlated with Mr. Wonderful and my developing feelings for each other.

Mr. Wonderful showed his appreciation within moments of my daily photo and video posts of my growing tweets which made me feel like he was part of the whole cycle. He also revealed his incredible connection to wildlife which I would experience first hand in many of our quality moments together. Mr. Wonderful was always just a step behind all of my posts of photos of Galaxy and the horses from the rescue ranch. His love for animals would be clear, endearing, and a well-defined path to the depth of my heart. His love for Galaxy filled my heart with an inexplicable joy I had never experienced from a man.

A couple of days after my conversation with Mr. Wonderful where I had retracted my cautionary actions to cut short our courtship, I got up and had my coffee. As the coffee and the cocoa enhancement were taking effect throughout my entire my nervous system, I went outside to check on my baby birds who had been testing their wings out of the nest. The outside was literally orange from the effect of the wildfires that now seemed as if these blazes were growing and closing in on the community and threatening my house. Another shift in the natural world was the baby flycatchers extending their wings further out of the nest. On this bizarre morning they were still testing their wings outside the nest and exploring life just outside the tree. I found them perched in different places in the tree and resting on the fence. They communicated with each other as the ringleader made the first daring flight outside the tree as the other three watched and prepared to follow. I was worried about how the wildfires might affect them in this transition, even more than I feared for my house and Joshua Tree as a whole.

Later that afternoon, Mr. Wonderful engaged me in a Facebook dialogue where I expressed my fear and how bad the air quality was affecting me. I told him how scared I felt, to which he replied “no please, don’t be scared” He let me know that the air was significantly better at his place. He invited me over and told me to bring Galaxy. He told me how the house was unfinished in detail which I merely skimmed since all I wanted was to see him, be close to him, and feel his arms wrapped around me. His location could have been anywhere and still exactly where I wanted to be.

I was excited and scared at the same time as I packed several bags with Galaxy’s toys, frozen water bottles, herbs, veggies, and hay. Considering the level of passion between us, I prepared to spend the night, while wondering if things might be moving too fast.

I arrived with the duffel bag style animal carrier Patricia gifted to us over my shoulder with Galaxy comfortable leaning against the side of my waist. I expected a passionate embrace filled with eager relief that had been anticipating our arrival with an anxious excitement. I had extended my heart past the safe zone by agreeing to abandon all doubts surrendering body and soul to him. I was there in his kitchen prepared to stay in person and for real. Instead, he let me inside and immediately went to the sink and filled a large dog bowl with water. Clearly, it was Star, the Tree Man’s dog bowl, but I had assumed Star was with Mr. Treeman. I was perplexed and felt the passionate, flowing whirlwind in my body turning into a frustrated stone.

“Is Star here?”

“This is for Galaxy”

My heart was warmed and the passionate whirlwind was once again creating a hurricane throughout my entire body. His immediate thought was the welfare of my rabbit which took priority over his passion for me making my love for him that much more powerful.

My rabbit was also his second thought. After he put the water bowl down in front of him, he went to the fridge and brought out the carrots. Galaxy was on the floor exploring the new place we were visiting. Galaxy always makes himself comfortable when we visit outside our own house, which is unusual for rabbits. Galaxy has a curious sense of adventure and adjusts immediately to new environments which makes it easy to take him everywhere.

Mr. Wonderful got down on the floor on the floor rug with the carrots and with an affectionate tone called Galaxy over to him. Galaxy responded by following the sound of Mr. Wonderful’s sweet voice and the smell of the carrots. Mr. Wonderful was encouraging with the gentle quality rabbits respond to in a positive way. He hopped over to investigate the smell of the carrots and Mr. Wonderful was equally enthused to be hand feeding him.

Mr. Wonderful showed me around the beautiful property pointing out every species of bird’s nests. It was abundantly clear that he loved animals with the same passion always have felt. I knew Galaxy loved him and his efforts to connect with him cast a spell on me that was more exhilarating than I had felt in a very long time. Mr. Wonderful’s feelings towards Galaxy went beyond appreciation. He was treating him as part of my package, as if he is my son, welcoming him into his home and making sure he was happy, feed, and had plenty of water.

As Galaxy decided where his designated spot would be in the corner by the wood-burning stove next to the glass door where he could see outside with his sighted, intact eye, Mr. Wonderful and I sat together on the couch. He could also hear our voices so he could make himself comfortable. I had also noticed a box full of pine cones that I knew he would eventually discover and investigate.

I rested the small of my back on the couch arm and asked Mr. Wonderful if I could put my feet on his lap, of which he responded. “Of course you can” He rested his hands on my feet and intermittently stroked them with his thumb and fingers. My contentment and comfort was almost overwhelming. It was hard to believe that I was exactly where I wanted to be with the person I wanted to be with; the same person I had endured a five-year dry spell for the purpose of finding a man like him. The relief of sexual touch deprivation overwhelmed my senses, all but took my breath away and made my stomach churn. I was enveloped and wrapped tight in the euphoria and the exquisite pain of being in love.

My house rabbits have filled the void of love in my life and have protected me from compromising my standards in relationships. I never suffer the longing for relationships, good or bad, as long as I have my house rabbits. A whole new level was obtained being with Mr. Wonderful. He was embracing not only me, but also fully embracing the most precious creature in my life, my greatest love. I was no longer the woman with a rabbit, but without a man. Galaxy was loved by both of us and thus he was our rabbit instead of my rabbit.

I turned my stretched out body around so that my head was on Mr. Wonderful’s lap and propped my feet on the couch arm, as Mr. Wonderful made sounds of pleasure and placed a hand on my cheek and the other was stroking my hair. We continued to talk and his hand continued to explore the parts of my body that were within reach.

The continuing story of Temperance and the Devil will be available as a complete Ebook May 30th, 2017. Meanwhile the story of the Desert Diva and her Galaxy will continue bi-weekly! Stay tuned for pictorial How We Met The Joey .

Cougar in the Hunt

Affirmations From the Galaxy

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Affirmations From The Galaxy: Lost & Found

Lost and Found Part 1

relationship fallout, love, breakup, heartbreak, sex, aging and sexuality
The truth is that not only was my trust for him implicit, it never occurred to me not to trust him.

Though I truly love you, I do not need you, therefore I can no longer want you, so I have to go away…..C.C. Silsbee

Temperance and The Devil

…..ships will pass in the night. They will pass until you get them all right. Then you will stand on the highest ground. If you’re never lost, how can you be found?“…..Pele Ju Ju, Santa Cruz CA.

Your youthful, willing, eager eyes intrigued me; your devotion captured me; your spontaneity freed me; your misguided

signature Mrs. Robinson leg, cougar, 21, lust, attraction, affair, 40, sexuality after 50
Not even the crowd all around us could distill his gaze..

impetuous youth hurt me; in the end I saw a moving picture of my past, fading in the distance gone forever and I quickly returned to me….C.C. Silsbee 

Cougar in the Hunt

 

 

 

 

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Temperance & The Devil Part 7: Insanity Plea

Temperance & The Devil Part 7

Continuation of Temperance & The Devil 6

The moment after the involvement severing Facebook dialogue with Mr. Wonderful, I felt an overwhelming confusion. My heart and mind continued to battle never reaching a reasonable agreement. My heart wanted Mr. Wonderful and my mind wanted to protect my heart. Despite how determined my mind was to protect my heart at all costs, my heart was unrelenting at wanting to open up to him and let him enter. Keeping my heart safe felt like letting my heart

single woman over 40, relationships, falling in love, high-desert photo collage, mid-life
In that instant I wanted to dive right into his deep blue eyes like pools of a crystalline cool water oasis in the hot high desert summer.

ache and spin. He had already affected me in such a significant manner and I wondered if I would regret letting him go. To this day I wish my mind and heart could have worked together, collectively, reaching a compromise that would keep me safe.

Sunday night was the conversation over Facebook chat where I put a halt to our connection. He had asked if we could be friends and I was 100% sincere as I responded with a “yes.” During our online chat he stopped replying, which left me concerned. Monday morning I went to my woman’s support group and shared my dilemma. Mr. Wonderful’s photo was in my Smartphone picture gallery and when I passed around my phone as collective oohs and aahhhs came from each members of the group. Despite how attracted I felt for him, I never noticed his visual aesthetic. When I met him, all I noticed was his eyes, so blue as they shifted and widened upon encountering mine. In that instant I wanted to dive right into his deep blue eyes like pools of a crystalline cool water oasis in the hot high desert summer. Handsome was the consensus among this group and others; to me he was the kind of beautiful that reaches the eyes for only a moment but deeply touches the soul.

After the encouragement which I wish I had embraced for a sustained length of time, I sat at a computer and looked for him online and messaged him. My heart was taken with him on a flight, fighting my better judgement, and winning.

first date, attraction, falling in love, dance
I danced the magical night away in his crystalline blue eyes…

The conversation we had on Facebook the previous evening took a bizarre turn that foreshadowed and confused many chat conversation to come.

I hated that I was telling him we could not be involved over an internet chat, while at the same time I knew if I saw him in person I would want to fall into his embrace, kiss him with my considerable innate passion, and surrender the rest of my heart to his heart..

I told him that yes, we would be friends and maybe, in time, possibly more. Then he typed “Good night,” but I wasn’t finished and I didn’t feel like the conversation ought to be over. I typed “you believe me right?”

There was no reply from him, so I typed “are you still there? Please, I really want to know.” After a few minutes he did not respond, so I typed “okay, this hurts.” I typed this to his chat window, but it was like typing to myself. Had I hurt him so much that I may never see or hear from him again?

It was after 12 am by the time I said these last words and he disappeared out of our conversation. I became far too wrapped up in my guilt over rejecting him and then regretting it, that I was unable to see that this was a sign of future confusion,

fear of intimacy, adult child of abuse, falling in love, fear of love, fear of intimacy, woman over 40, PTSD
Could I have been resisting Mr. Wonderful because the abuse I suffered as a child still makes me feel unworthy?…

sorrow, and 21rst century technological communication gap.

The conversation we had on Facebook the previous evening took a bizarre turn that foreshadowed and confused many chat conversation to come.

I hated that I was telling him we could not be involved over an internet chat, while at the same time I knew if I saw him in person I would want to fall into his embrace, kiss him with my considerable innate passion, and surrender the rest of my heart to his heart..

I told him that yes, we would be friends and maybe, in time, possibly more. Then he typed “Good night,” but I wasn’t finished and I didn’t feel like the conversation ought to be over. I typed “you believe me, right?”

There was no reply from him, so I typed “are you still there? Please, I really want to know.” After a few minutes he did not respond, so I typed “okay, this hurts.”

It was after 12 am by the time I said these last words and he disappeared out of our conversation. I became far too wrapped up in my guilt over rejecting him and then regretting it, that I was unable to see that this was a sign of future confusion, sorrow, and 21rst century technological communication gap.

My heart wanted Mr. Wonderful and my mind wanted to protect my heart. Despite how determined my mind was to protect my heart at all costs, my heart was unrelenting at wanting to open up to him and let him enter. Keeping my heart safe felt like letting my heart ache and spin. He had already affected me in such a significant manner and I wondered if I would regret letting him go. To this day I wish my mind and heart could have worked together, collectively, reaching a compromise that would keep me safe. 

relationships, finding love, single woman over 40, love
In truth, I had been through a lonely spell dryer then the desert we lived in, to reach this beautiful oasis….

After my support group I went to the computer, went to Facebook and recanted what I had said to Mr. Wonderful the previous evening. The connection I felt with him was too strong and I did not want to waste an opportunity to be with a man as kind as him. I surrendered my heart and tore down all walls of protection as I typed:

Me: Ok, i regret that I did not wait till I saw you in person to discuss the above and now there is a cyberspace-misunderstanding. The truth, I wanted to discuss my concerns, and I made the mistake of doing so here, online. I don’t want to sound loopy or wishy-washy when I say that i DO want you to continue to pursue me (romantically) and hope you still want to. Can we rewind or as my father used to say regroup? I will be home tomorrow till 11am if you want to come by or meet for coffee.

Me: Ps. I am claiming menopausal temporary insanity…..

Mr. Wonderful: ?????

In addition to this declaration I also inquired about his dropping off communication the evening before. He explained how he began to feel emotional and did not want to bother me. I felt bad when I realized that my words may have been too harsh and therefore hurtful, so I said:

Me: Why would you think I was bothering you…….

Mr.Wonderful: Just because

Me: Will you please bother me??

or take me mini-golfing which ever suites your taste…

Mr. Wonderful: You want me to??

Me: Yes,

Mr. Wonderful: Ok

Me:: I also want to start over from the moment we said goodbye on Saturday night or from when we are ‘talking’ Sunday morning….I am sorry I defined your timetable of grief- this was not my place to do so….In other words, six months would not be enough time for ME. It is not up to me to decide for you…

Hope this makes sense.

Mr. Wonderful: Perfectly

Me: I don’t like typing Facebook communication it hurts my hurting hand and it causes miscommunication and misunderstanding….Can we, you and me, start over?

Mr. Wonderful: Sorry. I hope to have my phone back on next day or so, and we can start anywhere you like.

As I read his response I felt relief, while a warm assurance that I made the right choice filled my heart and mind. In this moment, I was not longer afraid or eager to make trouble and the wonder of what was to come stimulated the adrenals throughout my body, mind and heart. I was actually physically and emotionally attracted to a kind and safe person, which has happened only a few times in my life which had arrived at the midpoint so fast and without the love of another for so many years. I was living in the desert, but a five-year dry spell was three years in progress when I moved here. In essence, I had held out for five years, including 2 years on the road not forming any kind of attachments, to find someone like Mr. Wonderful and my reward was awaiting me with open arms.

In my reflections, during the less than 24-hour period of telling him that we could not happen, feeling an ambivalence that dominated my mind and heart struggle to resolve, and then letting him know I did want to be with him, I realized that a heart that stays sheltered and protected, unwilling to take risks was a heart that could never love or be loved. If I had known that I was letting my heart venture into a dangerous biting cold winter maybe I would not have ventured into the elements entirely naked when I should have had sub-zero protection.

What touched my heart on the most profound level, in this conversation and future encounters, was how much Mr. Wonderful cared for Galaxy. In this same Facebook dialogue we said:

Me: ….you can also come by my place (not everyone gets this privilege) Galaxy would LOVE to see you….He really likes you….

Mr. Wonderful : Thank you, I will come see Galaxy.

Temperance and The Devil Part 8: Fire in the Hills

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

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Podcast Encore: 5pm July 5th

Prefer to read? Cougar in the Hunt 

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As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

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Affirmations from The Galaxy

Today’s affirmations from the Galaxy come directly from Bunny Bunny Buddhism  and are dedicated to bunny wisdom everywhere. These tidbits of bunny wisdom have cheered me up and provided insight for me through some difficult transitions and heartbreak.

“The wise bunny knows that which is real will be known when the various forms of illusion have ceased.

“The path I have hopped is gone, and the path I imagine has not yet arrived.”

“The wise bunny knows life has no guarantees, only choices.”

Bunny Buddhism on Twitter

For me, the greatest answers and joys come from looking to the Galaxy

Wisdom From the Galaxy

Cougar in the Hunt

Temperance & the Devil

More Affirmations

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Affirmations From the Galaxy

blind rabbit, disabled, the universe, wisdomLove is a natural feeling that lives in the heart; sustainable love is love in action…..Candice Silsby

A step back is sometimes several steps forward…..Candice Silsby

My worth will never fluctuate; it remains high…Candice Silsby

When a man puts a woman on a high peta-stool, blind to her love, romance, attraction, encounter, date, music, dancing, brewery, night sky, stars, friendshipimperfections, down the long drop she will quickly and painfully fall from his favor, but she does not have to fall from her own grace….Candice Silsby

Temperance & The Devil

#love #joshuatreeMore Affirmations From the Galaxy

 

 

 

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