Temperance & The Devil Part 6: Ambivlance

Continuation of Temperance & the Devil Part 5 

#MojaveAsh-ThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nativebirds, #nesting #wildlifehabitat #animallove
Each time I posted any animal photos, he was always the first to “like.” Original Photo by Candice Silsby

The natural world in the high desert expands all around the community that it surrounds. A joyous event occurred that thanks to the Facebook memory tracker happens the same time each year. The Mojave Desert Ash-Throated Fly-catcher, the previous year had nested in the Joshua Tree in my front yard. It was magical watching each stage from the building of the nest to the hatching of the chicks to the chicks leaving the nest. I documented all of it with photos and video. This occurrence had been a joy and a comfort enough to defeat every sorrow plaguing my everyday life and motivation. I would jump up out of bed first thing in the morning to go outside with a camera and take pleasure in their chirping and feeding. The chicks arrived about a week before the defining night of Mr. wonderful and myself. I posted photos of every stage, on a daily basis which was always followed by a “Like” click from Mr. Wonderful. 

#MojaveAshThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nightsky #romanticencounter #CaliforniaHi-Desert #relationshipdoubts #love #love'suncertainty #fear
original photo by Candice Silsby

As he drove away, I let myself into my house and was greeted by my earthen angel Galaxy. My questions and confusion would be settled a little as I lost myself in loving and caring for him. Even with the message from Mr. Wonderful that he was home sleep would be intercepted by my racing thought.
The next morning, after the unexpected evening with Mr. Wonderful, was Sunday. I wanted to chat with him on Facebook, I supposed, to extend the intimacy of the previous night, follow-up on this new relationship. Based on my experience I may have also needed validation. I did have to pause, to ask if it was too soon and would I look too eager. I went ahead and received the warmest reception from him. This chat lasted for a couple of hours and was really nice as we actually became better acquainted. He was earnest, sincere, and enthusiastic it seemed, He sent me Facebook stickers during our back and forth. Everything should have been just right with a positive good start.

In situations where my heart is either on a bed of roses or a chopping block, I become confused. The beginning stage of relationships is something I have little to no skill; over my significant years I have rarely practiced the beginning stage as I either have a fling with someone or dive right into the relationship skipping the beginning stages.

At this point, it had been five years, and that relationship had been 7.5 years. That relationship was in a class by itself because we had already known each other for nearly 20 years. I had never intended it to last as for that many years. It was supposed to be a superficial, short-lived casual thing, but instead of it superficial-casual-long-term.

Over the years I have also struggled with an impulse to find problems and react to fear when a relationship begins, which is how I have come this far having few experiences with the initial relationship stages.

My head and my heart conjured up a conflict in a large cauldron with a giant spoon stirring all the elements into a whirlpool. This soup simmered as I stirred, between Sunday morning when we had our nice Facebook chat and Monday morning. Part of the recipe was a logical and legitimate concern that terrified me so much, the adrenaline required to face it also exacerbated the conflict and terror inside me.

animal medicine, animal spirit, the universe, companion animals, astronomy, stars, desert skyI loved the way Mr. Wonderful made me feel and at the same time he was fresh out of a relationship and I was afraid of being a rebound relationship to him. I was petrified of opening my heart just to find he did not have any real feelings for me. I didn’t want to but I felt I needed to put a stop to what was happening. I had to be strong and resist him and put a stop to what was transpiring.

I excused myself from our Sunday am Facebook dialogue several times, yet we still kept Facebook chat messaging, off and on for several hours until Finesse came for me. We went to visit her mother’s shop and later to a Tibetan bowls gathering at Bobby’s Wonderland. Mr. Wonderful had RSVP for it, though he did not attend. He was, however, there with me via Facebook likes and comments. We took photos of Galaxy that he clearly enjoyed seeing. I felt like a part of him was there with us.

The Tibetan bowls gathering was yet another magical wonder that is characteristic of Joshua Tree. During the bowl players break, the player made a beeline for Galaxy the moment he noticed him. He greeted and petted Galaxy warmly, asked me if he needed anything, and even suggested a spot where he would be most comfortable. The reception was comparable to what a little Buddha Prince would receive. We did choose a suggested spot that Galaxy indeed loved as it was very close to the bowls and Galaxy was hypnotised by the mesmerizing melodic echo of the bowls. For me, I was able to quiet my mind to a certain degree.

I had been going back and forth all day about my fears of being a rebound relationship and the love I felt for him. Honestly, I did not know what to do about the idea of either scenario, both of which scared me.

He message me when I returned home, eagerly greeting me with a sticker of two foxes doing the Tango with hearts all around. My heart could feel such an intense tingle for a moment, as I told myself I had to discourage him.

I typed out, I have to tell you something and. I really don’t want to do so like this….

Mr. Wonderful: Yes what’s the matter ?

Me: Again would rather not say like this and REALLY don’t want to have to…

Mr. Wonderful

Did I do something?

I understand but now I am worried   

Me

No….We can’t do this, whatever this is

Mr. Wonderful

WHAT?

Me:

U and me, that is what….too soon for you….

Mr. Wonderful: You don’t want to be romantically involved with me?

Me: I do 

I REALLY do, but not as a rebound…

Mr. Wonderful

#fearinlove #love #ghostsofthepast
I had been going back and forth all day about my fears of being a rebound relationship and the love I felt for him.

Agreed

Me: Just to be clear i do want involvement….just can’t…What r u agreeing with?

Mr. Wonderful:

That I too do not want a rebound relationship and I don’t feel there is a rebound here because My relationship with her has been over for some time…..

How could someone, 58 years old, used to long-term relationships possibly say that their relationship had been over for some time? This was indeed another red flag, though at the time I wasn’t sure if it was just a different perception. I asked him how long it had been, in case my information was inaccurate. He told me December, making the time only five months, so I replied:

Me: Not enough time……We can’t do this, I can’t be a rebound relationship.

Temperance & The Devil 7

 

Read more "Temperance & The Devil Part 6: Ambivlance"

Temperance & The Devil Part 5: Galaxy Spell

This is the continuing story of Temperance and the Devil Part 4

Temperance and the Devil 5: Galaxy Spell Part 1

The hi-desert has known vortices, physical locations with intense energy. These vortices are not far from my house or my normal routine. The hi-desert cast a spell all its own; a simple evening outdoors, watching the bats come out to catch insects and grace the already spectacular sky has magical mystical powers. A local concert inspires and spontaneous love fests with old friends, folks from out-of-town, and new residents. Mr. Wonderful cast a spell while being spell-bound. The thoughtful, logical, and reasonable speech I carefully sketched out in my head disintegrated in the desert’s night air, overpowering my iron will. His words washed over me like the many starry nights I surrendered my will to and so was my surrender to his hopeful question.

passion, coupling, new relationship, love, the universe, starry night, astronomy, clear night, high desert, Joshua tree, native bird nest
.…I was fast ascending into one of many unknown outer worlds…..
dating attraction, first kiss, love spell
Mr. Wonderful cast a spell while being spell-bound.


“Can I kiss you?” 

I was supposed to have an answer, but I was unable to speechless. I was also supposed to have a speech, but my oration skills were silenced in the spell of the desert night and she coaxed me back to my heart. His tone had that same kid-on christmas-morning blissfully hoping for the shiny new bike. There was also an exhaustion reverberating through his words, begging me to give in to him. All I could do was look down and give way to the weight of my body being swept away by every force around me; his hopeful words, the beautiful, magical night, his kindness, his gentle heart, his gentle soul, and the part of my heart that had been dormant for five-year that I wasn’t sure it still existed….

My tongue was momentarily disabled to answer his gallant request, as it was longing to wrap around his. Somehow, without a word from me, he had the answer he needed. Before I fell into a faint, his arms wrapped around me, as his lips procured perfect contact with mine and once again I was standing tall. In the back of my mind, I cursed the incredible sensations swimming through my body like tadpoles traveling upstream, I was having, since I had been determined to slow down the passion between us. The rest of my mind, my heart, my soul, and my fully engaged body surrendering and even igniting our passion which was escalating as we kissed. The smooth fabric of his shirt tickled my palms, as my hands traveled up his back as I gripped tighter.

I paused to take a breath and with abandon, his sweet lips made contact with the side of my neck. At this point, I didn’t want to stop and my better judgement was eclipsed by the magic of these moments gently taking us on a trip through the cosmos, even if our feet had been touching the ground. I renewed contact with his mouth and tongue leaning my head to the side that is comfortable for my neck pain.

Still holding each other tight, we once again stopped for air as if the intensity would trap us in a desert vortex. I momentarily lost my balance and as he gently held my waist to steady my stance as he

#photocollage #relationships #love #goodnightkiss #desertsky #high-desert
The wonder of this moment was too precious to squander….

said, “Are you okay?” for which I responded, “Yes, it has been a long time.” Given his circumstances of which I was cautiously aware, he had a strange response, “Me too.” As beautiful as I felt, his whispering declaration, “me too” brought a small portion my sensibilities back to the ground. He was 58, so how could he believe that six months constituted a long-time? The wonder of this moment was too precious to squander while at the same time, my mind had much to process. We proceeded to make-out, for a while longer, in between tight embraces. He gripped my bottom, briefly, and did the same with my breast above, as if he was performing a finale to a show with a cliffhanger. He refrained from sliding his hand under my clothes since doing this would have made it impossible to stop. His struggle to stay in control was as endearing and sexy as his heart and soul.

I am not sure if we said goodnight or if it was implied, but as he selected the right key to unlock the car with both hands, he revealed the tremor his entire body was experiencing. In my moment of flattery, I said, “Please let me know you made it home safe” A subtle wave of confusion washed over me, as I wondered in my mind what was next. My impulse to analyse and discuss what had just happened made a momentary trip through my mind, but my heart was savoring the precious moments we had just shared quieting all impulses to over-think. This was an intense sensation my heart could not sacrifice to logic. I was swimming in the crystalline waters of love, but the bread crumbs and stones I dropped, to find my way back, were swept out to sea beyond my grasp.

Temperance & The Devil 6: Ambivalence

introduce yourself and link to your site!

House rabbits, animal wisdom, spirit animals
When my mind races too fast, loving and caring for Galaxy eases my rapid heart beat….

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.
Salcura Natural Skin Therapy - Free Next Day Delivery on all Orders over £50

Read more "Temperance & The Devil Part 5: Galaxy Spell"

Cougar In The Hunt 5: Cruel Light of Day

This is the continue story of Cougar in the Hunt Story Part 4 Here’s To You Mrs. Robinson

Cougar in the Hunt: Cruel Light of Day

For many reasons, there are numerous residents who are desperate to leave the desert. Up here, many consider a move down the hill to be a long-term goal, a step up, and an aspiration. If all else fails, these desert residents will descend into madness and are forced to disappear. Those who fall into the category of leaving by means of insanity, often have a bungee around one leg so they can recoil back in case the madness subsides.

affair, cougar, 21, transition, reflection, regret, denial, infatuation, conquest, lust
Anywhere else in the world, a 21-year-old amputee would not just appear out of nowhere….

The high-desert landscape makes it difficult to maintain a sense of boundaries because there are no lines of demarcation. The land, stretches out further than the eye can see to meet the infinite by day and by night. The power of the sky takes on many lives, often in the course of only one day. There is no beginning and no end, no boundaries, no outlines, nothing to define what is so infinite. This impresses and delights visitors; if you don’t live here, the lack of focal points and contour lines is infinite freedom. Cacti notwithstanding, it is possible to run for miles without stopping. For folks who live here, this feels wonderful until the wonder is out of reach, and in the desert that reach can go anywhere or nowhere.

I met Mr. Man on Valentine’s Day, while in January I was descending into madness desperate for an anchor. By February I was recovering from the crisis, making every effort to create imaginary lines of demarcation. The anchor that helps me to stand on such shaky ground is my friendship. Since these same friends may go mad at any time, my constant and only focal point is caring for my bunny and allowing his beauty and splendor to wash over my broken heart.

It is this very spell of the desert and the vast expanse of land and the infinite sky that spills from the natural world into our daily lives. and daily lives. A 21-year-old giving me this kind of attention would never live and thrive, outside the desert, through an entire evening then into the morning and through the next day. Anywhere else in the world, a 21-year-old amputee would not just appear out of nowhere, as my friend’s suitor’s friend. Every twist and turn of events would have dead ended had the evening taken place elsewhere.

photo collage blending portraits, virgin marry pose, vixen pose

Once the dust settled from the drama of Fineness running away for a day, I fully let the cruel light of day fill my home and my person. I had to get these lust filled sensations out of my mind and body. There was no way this would happen. As tempting as it was to be worshiped so poignantly, I had to be responsible and make sure that my secret desires did not prey upon this vulnerable delicate young heart. I had to stand firm in my principles of ensuring that my actions don’t cause harm to others. Even if he was of consenting age I still needed to be responsible, I told myself whenever the temptations crept into my body.

was not tempted by validation, since I know that my looks are not lost as I age. Despite frequent subtle reminders that I am no longer 20, I never pretend I am still 20. When I look through photos of myself in my early 20s all I see is clueless abandon, whereas the vision I now see in the mirror is the same beauty but with conviction, certainly, and experience. The image of the present has far more appeal.

Despite my convictions, the passion in his pursuit was seared in my mind and transforming into fantasies that in the cruel light of day were easy to dodge. Escape was not so easy at night, when the world goes quiet, as outer forces take over and erotically dance in my head, like artistic avant guard porn. Curiosity was doing its part and drawing in my sense of adventure and desire to try something new.

At the same time, I had to be strong and able to dissuade him since not only was I decades older, the gap between the stage of life at  21 and at 48 is too wide. There is nothing similar about these life stages. Had he been 31 and I 58, I wouldn’t have jumped into intimacy immediately as he wanted, though I would not have dismissed the idea. Even though he was not real sophisticated or educated, he had quickness that compelled me. I imagined his negotiating my explanations for rejecting him, which had the potential to wear me down to submission.

I sent him a text message that read something like “…I apologize for being caught off guard the other night; I need to let you know that there is no way you and I are going to become involved and I was back into a corner with your presumption of physical intimacy.” It was harsh, which as it turns out, did not work in my favor. After I sent it, I worried that I may have been too harsh.

He responded minutes later with something like “…I really do appreciate your honesty” Mmmm, I didn’t expect a mature response. I sent a text message back with a reference to seeing clearly in “the cruel light of day.” and he answered back with a yes Ma’am.

#vixen #cougar #21 #youngman #affair #infatuation #deception #lust #sex #encounter
Fantasies about the potential adventure of his unusual anatomy would be creeping into my thoughts.

While I reinvented the Dear john letter in a text, I was not able to make this strange attraction go away as I had expected. After rejecting him with brutal poignant honesty, he was still on my mind. Fantasies about the potential adventure of his unusual anatomy would be creeping into my thoughts. It didn’t seem like he was looking for a surrogate mother since he talked about her in a way that indicated a positive relationship. It was clear that the two of us had nothing in common, yet the differences were interesting to me. I knew better than to look to him for any kind of serious long-term, but the idea of a short-lived fling invaded my reasoning. The idea of a whole new anatomical sex experience was an overwhelming temptation fueled by my sense of adventure and lack of inhibitions.

I was sure I had been too harsh and reasoned that I didn’t need to cast him out entirely and why not keep the lines of communication open? So I reached out and extended an open-ended invitation for coffee at my place for which he said he would contact me if he was in my area. He responded by saying that if he was in my part of town he would let me know.

A few days later, I found myself in dialogue with him via text message. I exchanged texts with him while working, on and off for an entire day. I asked myself why I was doing this and did not have an answer to give myself. I was still on the edge of the cliff and the ground was still crumbling. 

#cougar #Mrs.Robinson #lust #infatuated21yearold #affair
The subtle bit of hope I gave him, set him on a fast paced high-speed chase…..

During our text dialogue, there was no attempt on his part at flirtation, suggestion, or trying to negotiate the boundary I put in place. I wondered if I was giving him mixed messages, since my communication was inconsistent and my ambivalence was touching every part of me.

After several hours of this back and forth typing, he put a toe in the water to engage me in flirtation, though it was after I accidentally gave him an opening. I referred to myself as a blunt, straightforward vixen, not afraid to speak her mind, for which he responded

“WOW, we are going to get along REALLY well” The hopeful beta test quality of this message touched me, even if it was a bit presumptuous.

“I am starting to be open to this possibility” He must have seen this as a neon green light indicator that convinced him that he would get his way. It is amazing what one believes when they really want something, as I thought I was being vague.

“Why the change of heart?” I wasn’t aware that I had changed my heart, but I didn’t discourage his assumption or hope. I was honestly tired of fighting him and what my body wanted.

“Well, I needed a chance to think it over, as I explained I strive not to be impetuous.” I listed a few reasons, one text for each including “Heart being the operative word, my heart is very broken” He responded with his version of wisdom, but in doing so he simply showed his age and lack of experience. My last reason was “The cardinal rule of my spirituality is not to harm anyone.” This turned into a discussion about pagan philosophy, or more accurately described, my explaining witchcraft, debunking all of his prior misconceptions. His willingness to learn from me was endearing.

The subtle bit of hope I gave him, set him on a fast paced high-speed chase for me all via text messages. Everything we texted about came back to overt flirtation from him or an opportunity gush about how incredibly beautiful I am. He was faster than a juvenile jack rabbit and as such he outran any discretion I may have had left somewhere in my mind, where I was still engaged in a faint dialogue.

Cougar in the Hunt Part 6: What’s That You Say Mrs. Robinson

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, I have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit
Introduce yourself!

Legend3D, Inc.

Read more "Cougar In The Hunt 5: Cruel Light of Day"

Temperance & The Devil Part 4: Galaxy Spell

The Continuation story of Temperance and The Devil Part 3

Temperance and The Devil Part 4: Galaxy Spell 

first kiss, dating, attraction, falling in love, romantic night, desert night sky
….suddenly, the weight of my body was gone as if I was ascending into one of many unknown outer worlds, completely unafraid of where I was going….

As Mr. Wonderful drove us off the dirt road away from Melanie’s house I felt like being quiet, so I did not speak. I reasoned that he needed to see that I was not always chatty and prone to silences. I was experiencing a trance from the way he had been looking at me all night and every attempt he made to pursue me. More than anything I was deep in sentiment about what had happened, while entranced by what was happening, and above all anticipating all that could happen upon arrival to my house. The inevitable goodnight kiss awaiting me was dominating my thoughts, swirling around in my mind, as I struggled to steady my trembling body. My lips tingled as I thought about his mouth opening to mine. I was fully aware of how much I wanted it and I also knew that this was happening too fast and too soon. I had no choice other than to put up a gentle but firm cautionary road block.

Milky way, star gazing, romance, love, falling in love, goodnight kiss, passion
…It felt like the entire universe, the night sky, and the desert landscape was creating a magical atmosphere in honor of us….

 

Still under the inexplicable spell of the hi-desert night, I wanted to stay silent, which is not an attribute characteristic of me. I took advantage of the fact that I was in the mood to quiet, despite everything I was thinking. For some reason, I wanted him to experience this more mysterious side of my demeanor, even if I show this side infrequently. As he drove us along the remote road, as if the road and the night sky belong only to us, I noticed that he could not stop moving his right hand along the outside of his leg. I could only hear a faint sound of his hand scraping on his jeans in the silence that lingered between the two of us, though not too audible over my car’s engine. I stared at his hand moving back and forth. Had the night sky of the desert not been so powerful to all of my senses, I may have given in to the impulse to reach out and grab his hand and hold it so he would stop.

first kiss, dating, attraction, falling in love, romantic night, desert night sky
Suddenly, the weight of my body was gone as if I was ascending into one of many unknown outer worlds, completely unafraid of where I was going.

He was the one to break the silence which I was actually enjoying, given that the intense energy between us was enough volume.

“…So, do you work?”

This was not a complicated question, yet instead of simply giving him an answer, I responded with a nervous laugh. For me, it was an odd question with no context or conversational thread. I began my answer with something like “A little out of the woodwork….” But I cut myself off given that I didn’t want to work too hard, given how intense the stirrings inside me were affecting me and the rapid beat of my heart making it difficult to even laugh.

“Well I was injured years ago, so I have been freelance writing online.” I told him that I had been writing online and that my dream career is puppetry but the puppets I made were destroyed in the fire. I cut myself off again given how hard this situation is for me.

The next topic of conversation was natural, as I became aware of the fact that we had been driving on the same road, Aberdeen, for too long. Mr. Wonderful missed the turn to my house. He softly explained that we would be turning on Border, which happened to be close to where he lived. He subtly mentioned that he had missed the correct turn because I think he was a little embarrassed and wanted me to know only that he was in control of the situation. He went on to say that turning on Border would take us into Joshua Tree.

“Oh, so we are making a circle and will double back to my place.”

“Right” I was glad to let him off the hook, even if I was aware that he missed the turn, because he was distracted by me, so I allowed the flattery to sink into my heart amid all the feelings, emotions, and sensations ever-present. While driving through Joshua Tree I noticed police cars in one of the gas stations which is not unusual at the hour of the

date, love, attraction, night sky, magic of the galaxy
“What exactly is the attraction?’ I asked as he stroked me in all the right places with his fingertips…….

night we were cruising through town. What struck me as odd was that he quickly rubber necked with wide eyes, not like the eyes that looked at me; this was scrutiny and suspicion, but above all the look on his face and in his eyes was really odd. He had not been drinking, so he had no real reason to be concerned about a police presence especially one focused elsewhere. I dismissed this oddity as the normal caution everyone experiences when they see police officers. The truth is that not only was my trust for him implicit, it never occurred to me not to trust him. Mr. Wonderful, per my instructions pulled up and parked my car in front of my house, since his car was in the driveway. As we opened our doors the desert’s magic was felt with full magnetic charge. Suddenly, the weight of my body was gone as if I was ascending into one of many unknown outer worlds, completely unafraid of where I was going. The colors of the night spread infinitely, vibrant and beautiful with my senses fully engaged, affecting a full body euphoria. Magic was in the air generated by the night sky, but the charge between us added to the overall intensity. Both Mr. Wonderful and I moved slowly, as if to savor every moment. He lingered at the back of my car where we naturally met, handing me my keys waiting for my signals to provide a beacon to guide his desires to my shores. I subtly signaled him towards the line of vision of the bird’s nest in the Joshua Tree that stands at the edge of my yard, along my driveway, which just happened to usher him closer to me. He was genuinely interested in the baby birds and the nest; I would later find out his magical night vision for desert wildlife, so sharp and defiant to any mortal’s natural senses. At the same time, it was an opportunity to position himself closer to me. One of the reasons I was quiet and reflective on the ride home was because knowing there would be a goodnight kiss with a passionate embrace our chest’s rubbing up against each other intermittently tapped by the beating of each of our hearts. His pelvis would be fighting to merge with mine, inevitably touching, despite attempts at self-control, our heads in dialogue with our hearts; our heads trying to convince our hearts to resist carnal desires. Knowing this inevitability, I formulated an intelligent and logical verbal halt to the physical passion inviting me so near to him. The mysterious vortex of the desert, in actual proximity to our physical placement, at this time, was pulling me far away from any sensibility. My mind was trying to stay attached to practical reality, but the vortex, the romantic intoxicating desert night sky, and the energy between us was a stronger pull on my soul and body. We walked slowly to the side of his car both of us lingering in the wonder that was casting its own spell; the magic of the desert and the magic of us. As we stopped at his car, I suddenly felt my feet firm and planted on the ground for the first time all night. My spirit was in a whirlwind as my body naturally stood before him fully aware of where I was and what was happening. His voice caused a subtle vibration through my chest as he asked “Can I kiss you?”

Temperance and the Devil Part 5 


LELO - Save 10% off - Code: HUGO10


ShawAcademy
Legend3D, Inc.

Read more "Temperance & The Devil Part 4: Galaxy Spell"

Cougar Part 4: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson

Continuation of previous post Cougar in the Hunt Part 3: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson

cougar, lust, Mrs. Robinson leg, 21, older woman, younger man, lust, sex, attraction, one-night-stand, affair
As soon as the words came out, I realized what I had said and when I asked myself why I had made this gesture, I did not have an answer.

I have drawn the fool card so many times in my life; the first tarot card ever drawn on my behalf was the Fool, though it was not the first time I was dealt the fool. The Fool card is not necessarily attributed to the foolish qualities we associate with people who make poor choices or the naiveté understandable in youth. Did I draw the fool card that fateful moment Mr. Man’s hand made contact with my knee? 

It would seem that I did, but at the time I was certain Mr. Man had drawn the fool card. After all, he was hypnotised, taken in by my unintended prowess, exaggerated and romanticized by his lack of life experience. I was so cautious of his natural fool stage of life, afraid of him falling over the cliff, I did not realize I was the one on the edge of the cliff as the true fool.

The cougar mythology was never curious or tempting to me, or my paradigm. I don’t enjoy the company of kids in their early 20s. My ego doesn’t crave validation that I look younger than my age; when I look in the mirror it is clear that age has only created subtle changes, which I attribute only to hereditary, not luck or some magic-potion-cosmetic concoction designed to make money from women afraid to grow old. My attraction to Mr. Man, even mixed with repulsion, was a feeling, and had nothing to do with defying my age. I never feel the need to convince myself that I am like a woman in her early 20s; what I experience is my real biological age. My encounter with Mr. Man revealed an additional curiosity. Why would any mature, accomplished woman want to relive her tumultuous youth?

As the gathering at J&P’s was winding down, from a collective cognizant of the impending dawn, Mr. Man said with a tone of confusion and worry, “Oh no! I just realized something. My car is at the bar!”“Yes, you came in my car and as such I will take you back,” I replied.

“Okay” he responded with relief and I wondered what would make him feel stranded all of a sudden.

I was not going to leave without making sure that Vanessa had a safe ride home. I wasn’t entirely sure if she wanted to go home with Tin-Man, though I did know Tin-Man was determined to take her home with him. I inquired with Tricia, a few times and since I didn’t have enough gas, Tricia said she would make sure Finesse made it back home. As we said goodbye,Tricia let me know that Finesse decided to go home with Tin-Man. The four of us piled into my car, Finesse and Tin-Man in the back seat, Mr. Man and I in the front, me at the wheel, this time around.

As we reached the parking lot, still affected by alcohol, Finesse, Tin-Man, and myself became loud enough for Mr. Man to tell us that we ought to keep our voices down. I immediately said, “You are right, we are too loud and after all it is 4:30 am.”

Cougar Caos
As the sun graced Valentine’s Day morning, I finally fell asleep as my fantasies created a spiral effect in my brain and spread throughout my entire body.

“No, I didn’t mean you,” Mr. Man said, with a tone of worry, at the mere idea that he may have let me think that I had come down from the highest pedestal, so far out of his reach. “It is okay,” I said with no more authority or assurance than he had given me, “…nothing wrong with pointing it out. The two of them are souzed and I am well aware of my gift of projection,” It was clear that to Mr. Man I could do no wrong. The problem with being lifted up on a pedestal is the eventual and inevitable fall.

I gazed over in Mr. Man’s direction, as I began anticipating the pending goodbye, knowing the desires he had made poignantly clear, thereby imagining his pending expectations. As it happened, his physical stance was as unassuming as it had been all evening. There were no schemes to force me to be alone with him in the darkness of predawn. He did not manipulate any situation so that he could pull me aside or steal moments alone with me. The only discussion was the logistics of going to Finesse’s house so they could get her dog and go back to Tin-Man’s place. Much of my mental energy was on Finesse and if it was a good idea for her to be swept away by Tin-Man. Despite my reservations, I was impressed with Tin-Man’s willingness to accommodate Finesse’s dog and again, it made me think of Mr. Wonderful doing the same for my bunny Galaxy, every time we were together. I did have other assurances as to Finesse’s presence of mind during the short car ride from J&P’s house.

In the back of my car, Finesse made it verbally clear to Tin-Man what her physical boundaries would be during their impending sleepover. She systematically listed what they could do together and what was off-limits. I was relieved to hear this, and I also felt a confused frustration coming from Mr. Man in my passenger’s seat. As I turned into the dirt parking lot of the Saloon, I said to Vanessa in a playful stage whisper, “He touched my knee! He touched my knee!” I heard and felt Mr. Man shift quick and sharp in his passenger’s seat, as he said out loud to himself “Now, I am confused.” I never figured out what he meant. Was it possible that he had no ideas that he had touched my knee?

photo collage, cougar, lust, sex, affair, attraction, infatuation, fantasy
I knew I couldn’t trust my mind that was proving unreliable under the intoxicating influence of my reckless body.

When we did say goodbye, he said, “I really had a great time with you
tonight,” as I reached down to hug him. As his arms reached out from his blanket jacket and around my waist I said, “I would invite you over for breakfast, but that is only a couple of hours from now.”

I saw his face shadowed by the darkness, while tinted with the artificial lights around us. I saw longing in his expression, though it could have been his exhaustion. Tin-Man hugged me and in the first serious tone I heard all night, he said “It was so nice to meet you, it was really fun.” As the three of them were about to enter Mr. Man’s car, I said to Finesse, “Can you him my phone number” I felt my arm flex as I pointed in his direction as if there were several choices available and he was the winner. As soon as the words came out, I realized what I had said and when I asked myself why I had made this gesture, I did not have an answer. Whatever I was doing was of my own free will, yet I felt like I was relinquishing control to a force outside of me. I honestly felt like I was under the mysterious spell of the hi-desert breezes whispering subliminal messages in my ear.

affair, cougar, confusion, temptation, lust, attraction
My vivid imagination played like a movie…..

I arrived home just after 5am and my mind was racing about everything that had happened. The tailspin in my mind provided no clarity or answers. I had been touched Mr. Man, in a variety of ways, but this did not change him being young enough to be my offspring. As I settled down to go to sleep, amid text message exchanges checking in with Finesse, I found a text from Mr. Man. He addressed me and announced himself, then said “…I really had a great time with you and I hope we can do it again real soon..” Given the time between our goodbye and this moment, he must have sent this message to me the moment he dropped off Finesse and Tin-Man. Finesse told me later that he had referred to me as “really cool” and asked for my phone number before he drove away from Tin-Man’s apartment. As I looked at his text, my heart spun and the centrifugal forces caused a subtle vibration in my chest that caused my nipples to tingle to the point of feeling a sharp sensation. My finger was on a button, sensitive to the touch, yet I kept it there simply because it felt good.

Knowing I was acting on my own free will, but still feeling as if I was under a bizarre spell, I replied to the text with “me too.” As I tried to fall asleep, I asked myself why I would say this when I was resigned to not give into the attraction that transpired.

cougar, sex, dating, romantic encounter, attraction, lust, infatuation, leg, Mrs. Robinson, photo collage
Not even the crowd, all around me, distilled his penetrating gaze.

Despite the message being short and simple I read it several times. As I tried to fall asleep, aware of the sun coming up just outside my window, my mind raced with graphic fantasies of Mr. Man. My body could not help but stir restlessly amid fantasies of the unique shape of his body fitting right into mine like a hand entering a perfect fitting warm glove. My vivid imagination played like a movie picturing his absent leg and how the sensations of his odd and unique body shape, might feel. Despite a long life of a wide variety of unusual experiences, the feeling of a deformed body would be a first for me.

As the sun graced Valentine’s Day morning, I finally fell asleep as my fantasies created a spiral effect in my brain and spread throughout my entire body. I woke up around 1pm and checked in with Finesse allowing me to temporality escape my drama as I listened to her. She was at Tin-Man’s house with her dog and they had spent an innocent, above the waist night, together. By this time she was claiming to hope for things to work out with her co-habitant who had brutally dumped her. My frustration over her ability to forgive him, for all of his cumulative misdeeds, in magical Hi-Desert, sunsets in the California Hi-Desert, attraction, dating, friends, music, dancingaddition to this cruel abandonment proved to be a distraction. By this time, I was also embarrassed at what had happened only hours prior, events that were fully transparent in the honest light of the midday sun. At the same time her sleepover with Tin-Man was also experiencing full sun. During our phone call Finesse was walking her dog, while looking for a place to eat outside Tin-Man’s apartment. As we spoke, literally, Tin-Man was with an impromptu female visitor bearing a Valentine Card.

On my side of town, the other half of Finesse’s drama had just darkened my front door, disrupting my thoughts of Mr. Man I was unable to escape in sleep. An unfamiliar car pulled in front of my house, while I was still in my nightshirt. I saw that it was Finesse’s boyfriend, who had dumped her, his face distorted by the sunlight making my face feel hot. When I realized who he was my face got hotter as I demanded, “What are you doing here?” I heard how angry I was in the tone of my voice and felt it on my tongue as I spoke. He wanted to know where Finesse was and reasoned that he was worried. To avoid more anger, I looked over at the car and saw Finesse’s mother in the driver’s seat, therefore I had no choice but to keep my cool. The awkward situation forced me to make up a scenario that everyone would believe, without lying, withholding the details since Finesse had every right to be anywhere she wished. I told them not to worry about her that I had just communicated with her. No one was satisfied and insisted on knowing where she was. I mentioned that we were together until 4:30 am and that she went to a friend’s house with her dog and would be back later. My words did little to diffuse the imposed drama. It was like they blamed me for her not being at my house.

I mentioned this to Finesse who had communicated with everyone via text messages earlier. Mr. Man and Tin-Man would be taking her back to J&Ps place. She notified me later that Mr. Man had seemed really sad. I had not amputee sex, aging woman, 21, affair, lust, sex, fantasy, infatuation, obsession, dreams, Valentine's Dayrejected him yet, though I had intended to send him a “Dear John” text at some point that day. I feared that if I waited too long I might change my mind. I knew I couldn’t trust my mind that was proving unreliable under the intoxicating influence of my reckless body.

Cougar in the Hunt Part 5: Cruel Light of Day

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, I have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit
Introduce yourself!

2% Cashback with Salcura

Magazineline.com

Read more "Cougar Part 4: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson"

Cougar in the Hunt 3: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson

animal medicine, animal spirit, the universe, companion animals, astronomy, stars, desert sky

Continuing story of Cougar in the Hunt 2: Did You Really Say 21?

Having a companion rabbit is a magic that creates an incredible life balance. My Galaxy leaves me wanting for very little. Galaxy’s unique wisdom of the universe and many ages past, provides remarkable insights that would otherwise be hard to realize.

Is the power of intense attraction a force of nature or a force to be reckoned with? As empowered, free, a liberated women, how do we balance personal discretion and our myriad of choices?

Appreciation from a suitor, especially with a broken heart, is intoxicating and for me this reach was far beyond addiction. It was a rip-current literally pulling my body further out to sea. Swimming against the power of this current, for the rest of the evening to follow, was exhausting.

As the experienced adult in the situation, I kept the door to physical and personal intimacy locked with a dead bolt. Throughout the night, Mr. Man tried any number of keys in the hopes that one would fit and he could finally unlock the barrier keeping him from having me. Unrealistic promises were spread out like a royal rug at my feet with him on his knees eager to kiss and caress them.

Had I been in my early 20s the night I met Mr. Man I would have been fully taken in by these overtures. Mr. Man was not taking me anywhere, since I knew better, at least not by these means.

signature Mrs. Robinson leg, cougar, 21, lust, attraction, affair, 40, sexuality after 50
….. the skin of the palm of his hand and his fingers wrapped around the skin of my knee……

He continued to verbally corner me with his desire to be physically closer to me by inquiry. The Tin-Man and Finesse were displaying their affections out in the open. Their public physical displays were not vulgar or offensive, just not within my personal comfort zone. The intensity of his eye contact was impossible to miss or escape, as it followed me with skill and precision.
The only time he took his penetrating green eyes off of me, was the moments when he was observing Tin-Man and Finesse across the coffee table. Clearly, Mr. Man looked to the Tin-Man actions for guidance.

“Why can’t we be like they are?” His voice reverberated eagerness, longing, hope, and least of all, a question  I didn’t know if he wanted to be in bed with me or wanted to put his hands on me to navigate a future encounter. The alcohol and the hour of the night continued to wear me down, not to his explicit desires, but to my ability to discourage him or divert the conversation. All I could say was a few broken words that I know I could have articulated better.
“They have known each other for years. You and I just met” There was no way he could dispute my logic, though he would negotiate with a solid strong will.
Determined to negotiate my terms he began, “We are-” Sharply cutting him off I said, “…talking, just as we ought to be. There is nothing wrong with that.” He had already characterized himself and me as “we.” 

For all his bold and explicit verbal expressions, he did not make a single physical advance, covertly or otherwise. He didn’t manipulate me or anyone else in an effort to trap me into being alone with him. All advances were verbal and while he was manipulative with words, the only physical overture was sitting shoulder to shoulder with me.  

affair, cougar, 21, transition, reflection, regret, denial, infatuation, conquest, lust
Somehow, if he could captivate me in the dark of the predawn maybe the sun wouldn’t take me away from him.

Earlier that evening, I made it clear to him that I did not like cigarette smoke. He had said he would throw his entire pack out for me, though I did not believe him. He got up from the couch, where we were sitting together and excused himself to go outside and smoke. Of course I let my disdain show, so he repeated his willingness to throw out the pack, but this time with a condition, “What am going to get?” as if my body was the bargaining chip for his ability to save his own life. I couldn’t dignify this with an answer not just because it was absurd, but also because I wasn’t prepared to even consider all that he wanted. His direct communication was beginning to get obtrusive and I was feeling the pressure.

When he returned, the smell made it hard for me to breathe given that he reclaimed his position, right next to me our shoulder touching. I got up to plug-in my phone that was running low on battery and showed him more photos. The air coming in from the wide open door of the J&P’s studio distilled the nicotine smell that was making it difficult to breathe so my affair, cougar, confusion, temptation, lust, attractioninhibitions were relaxed and relatively balanced. For some reason I was opening my personal life to him by showing him family photos including baby pictures. I opened Facebook infant photos most of which included my eldest sister, at six, followed by a current photo of her. I took the built-in opportunity to point out the contrast between my nearly identical mother and sister due to my mother’s chain-smoking. He was touched by the photos of me as an infant and the sight of my artwork photos raised the level of his infatuation.

At some point we went outside for fresh air where we continued to talked as I coughed.

“You don’t have to cough. You don’t like it, I get it.”

“It isn’t that. I grew up with a chain smoker who never opened windows, so I have chronic health issue and sensitivity. Even the resin on walls or clothes makes it hard to breath.” I went on to intimate to him that I watched my mother cough up chunks of green mucus at least once a day. His face was pensive and tried to express as much empathy as his lack of experience could accommodate. He also looked suspicious that I was trying to manipulate him, weakening his resolve to claim my body in exchange for nicotine abstinence. When I told him I was getting chilly he followed me back inside and we took our place on the couch.

With the prospect of morning drawing near he widened his tired eyes and adjusted his position to deepen his contact with my eyes, as if he could magically be permitted to touch me by hypnosis. His green eyes scanned my face as if they could capture me and carry me away. Somehow, if he could captivate me in the dark of the predawn maybe the sun wouldn’t take me away from him.
Eyes penetrating me he persisted, “So? What are we doing?”

“We are talking,” I replied with an authority that sounded weaker in my fatigue.

“You know what I mean?” He said with a frustrated tone that he tried to soften with a growling whisper. My only ally was the strength of my adrenalin.

“At this stage in my life,” I said, trying to remind him of my advanced age, “I can’t afford to be impetuous,” He asked me to define impetuous, as if this was the golden key that would let him enter. I explained the word impetuous and he needed more so I said “Being impetuous is my nature, but I have learned to control it and use discretion.” He repeated my words back to himself as if he needed greater clarity. I knew I needed to tell him there was no way anything would happen, but my impetuous-attention-craving early 20s were creeping back in such a subtle manner, that I didn’t notice. Part of me enjoyed the attention that was constant when I was in my early 20s and the other part of me was exhausted. The other part of me might have felt it was far too obtrusive, but there was no question I had the upper hand and he was enslaved to his desires for me. He wasn’t satisfied, so he pretended to need more explanation and I knew he was young, yes, stupid no. I tried a subtle diversion tactic. Again calling attention to the severe gap in our stages of life. “When I was 19, 20, and 21 I was wild…” I was cut off by his face lighting up, like a second wind, so I hastened my tone. “…I was reckless and very impetuous. I only got away with it because I was so young; I would never live through the things that I did then at this stage in my life.” He turned forward, reflectively, though not willing to concede. I continued “I believe, rather I know that there are special angels that work overtime for young people since they don’t know better.” He was impressed with my thoughtful expression and ability to articulate and while fully attentive to everything I was saying, he was not distracted from his acquisition.

As our gathering neared 4am, I asked him if he was tired, suggesting it was time to leave. I warned Mr. Man that Finesse would be slow-moving getting to the car. While we got ready to leave J&P’s after party, something happened, shattering the only resolve I had been clinging to the entire evening. Regardless of how flattering the overt attention felt, I had to be equally resigned to the reality that he was only 21.

affair, obsession, infatuation, regret, mistakes, infatuation

As Mr. Man rose from being sunk down into the couch with me all of my resolve was shattered in an instant.

Once he was sitting fully upright, the palm of  Mr. Man’s calloused hand landed on my knee. The skin of his palm touched my knee cap and each finger fell and wrapped around my knee. As his skin touch mine and a I felt the his grip an ignited desire traveled through my leg and to my pelvis. With his touch, I felt my stomach tighten reaching up to grip my chest as my entire leg trembled, though motionless, steadied under the weight of his grip. Clearly, it was unintentional, given that the entire evening he had not tried, even covertly, to force physical contact with me. While his forceful words were an overt expression of want of physical contact with me, this was the only time he actually put a hand on me. In this moment, the whole situation shifted from a clear logical decision to do what is right to complicated and compelling temptation. There was no denying that his hand on me caused me to feel strong sensations and the situation would no longer be a simple discretion. As of that moment, the struggle between the wisdom of my mind and the desires of my body would begin.

cougar, abstract photo collage, Mrs. Robinson leg, lust , infatuation, sex, affair, 21, older woman, menopause
As the desert sky turn the room dark, he stared down at me, silently…

Cougar in The Hunt Part 4: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson 


As a woman over 40, pushing 50, I have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

Proud to be using an ethical web hosting service!
Namecheap.com

Read more "Cougar in the Hunt 3: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson"

Temperance and The Devil Part 3: Dancing in His Eyes

“She looked me right in the eye and matter of fact thick Guatemalan accent replied “Yes, of course he does, he likes you, he thinks you are gorgeous…..”

Below is the continuing story of Temperance and the Devil Part 2

Tricia swung the door open amid this cliffhanger and I begged for more information. As it happened, Tricia had moved our friends to the other side of the bar to leave the two of us alone, while still maintaining a clear view of the drama unfolding between myself and Mr. Wonderful. Love was in the air and it was hijacking my soul.

Joshua trees, desert sky, mojave desert, landers breweryMy heart had become its own planet spinning on its axis too fast for me to feel the floor beneath me. I still don’t know how I kept my balance, especially to the point of dancing the night away with the girls, as Mr. Wonderful watched. This was the first time, since moving back to Southern California that advances towards me made me feel good as opposed to nauseous. There was a strong sensation in my stomach under the weight of my heart, twirling on its axis and beating at the same time. I was overwhelmed and my head spun in the opposite direction of my heart, trying to process everything.

My heart, dormant for nearly twenty years, saw all the warning signs, every red flag was waving and expanding in the desert winds. I made futile attempts to protect myself and built a strong fortress around my heart, yet the power poised to carry my heart away was stronger force than even the hi-desert winds.

As I danced with my girls he leaned against a pillar, watching the band or so I thought. Patricia insisted that he did not take his eyes off me and that she had never seen him look at anyone the way he looked at me. As he looked into my eyes, his eyes danced bright and clear, just as my body had been dancing on the hardwood floor most of the night.

Knowing he saw this outing as a date, I attempted to get to know him while letting him pursue me. I told him I was under the influence of aliens, not just the drinks he bought for me. love, romance, attraction, encounter, date, music, dancing, brewery, night sky, stars, friendship

I notice a young woman with her jacket tied to her waist. There was a bright yellow design on the jacket appearing on her behind. I mentioned the apparition to Mr.Wonderful and insisted that he look at her back side. He refused, as he kept full eye contact with me. I persisted until he said, “I am here with you, I am not going to look at another woman.” His words seared into my heart like a flame igniting a rapid pace and blood flow that surged through my entire body. Despite this magical sensation in my heart, I was determined not to get swept away and over the cliff on which I was dancing .
I took “selfies” and sent them to Finesse, since she couldn’t be there with all of us. I took a photo of me and Mr. Wonderful. The expression on his face, the childlike hope on Christmas morning, spoke volumes. I kicked off one of my Birkenstocks to show him wrinkles of age on my feet. Without acknowledging my aging foot, he stroked the back of my calf while smiling at me. Galaxy wasn’t on my lap so there could be no wondering if Mr. Wonderful was touching me by accident and he had not consumed any alcohol. The veil was lifted and my heart was coming to life after years of dormancy. This was one of the moments when my heart and my mind were in unison.
The band continued to play, I continued to dance, and Mr. Wonderful continued to watch my every move. I sat with him while resting from my dance floor exploits. As I danced with the girls, knowing Mr. Wonderful was watching I overtly fought off drunken young men hitting on me, as a consideration to Mr. Wonderful courting me in this unanticipated date. This was not my usual carefree style..
My surrender to Mr. Wonderful was also clear when I was outside with Melanie, while he was still inside. We have a rock band in our circles all of whom love Galaxy.  The rock video for the memorial day concert included video footage of Galaxy. One of the guitar players from this rock band approached me. I have always had a weakness for rock guitar guys and I admired him for his energetic performances that defied his age of nearly 60. Not only do I enjoy watching him on him on stage, I also like talking with him. He is one of Galaxy’s many fans. He asked me where Galaxy was and I responded by saying he was at home because I was afraid the band might be too loud. I felt the force of Mr. Wonderful, as I talked to this Sexy-Galaxy-Loving-Guitar-Player, as if the desert wind was actually pulling me back to him. Indeed I was on a date, given my feelings of loyalty were already developing.
I actually was missing Galaxy, though the wisdom of my remarkable bunny was ever-present and real. Thoughts about the warm look in Mr. Wonderful’s eyes as I showed him all the photos of Galaxy; how he petted him just an hour later at the same event; how at Jason’s birthday party he stroked my arm while petting Galaxy, possibly not by accident; How Galaxy stretched his neck out to Mr. Wonderful’s lap and bonked him with his nose and made kind gestures towards him as only a bunny can. Mr. Wonderful met with Galaxy’s approval and here he was proclaiming to be there with me, making it clear that his eyes were looking at me and no one else.
During the evening Mr. Wonderful went outside only once. The bass player’s wife, as part of our female bonding girl fun, motioned to me that Mr. Wonderful was outside smoking. Without speaking a word we went into the doorway, arm and arm, to give Mr. Wonderful a look. He headed back inside, as if called to duty, and swiped my nose with the tip of his index finger. I was in trouble, in deed, and everyone knew it.
I was dancing not only in his eager blue eyes, but I was also dancing into love. Every pirouette, every gyrations of my hips, every movement of chest played like a movie in his eyes, blinded to anything or anyone else in view. As I moved to the sensual quality of the music, every one of my heart beats created a vibration in my breasts that radiated throughout my body. I could feel his heart beating from across the room, in sync with my every move with a force of every star in the Galaxy.
I had not felt so much love, in so long. His intoxicating stares trumped any alcohol left in my system. My heart and mind were in a battle confronting my fears. He had moved back to Joshua Tree so recently and had only left for Lake Elsewhere for a relationship that he was clearly still grieving. Where did I fit into this equation and would I be left in the cold?
After the band played their last song, last call drinks reaching the bottom of clinking glasses, and the salutations of bar guests of all kinds taking place throughout the room, Melanie sat down in “her chair” beside me, opposite Mr. Wonderful. Our landing party had come full circle, I felt pride and warm feelings having both of my dates, once again, on either side of me. The three of us collectively decided that we were ready go home and Melanie offered to drive. Knowing she wanted to contribute something, I handed her the keys that Mr. Wonderful had playfully grabbed from me the entire evening. Again, Mr. Wonderful took a backseat to our newfound sisterhood. Just as he had done on the way to the brewery, Mr. Wonderful stayed quiet while Melanie and I talked.

Joshua Tree, night sky, music friends, dance, romantic encounter, Landers, California Hi-Desert
Original photo by Candice Silsby

We pulled up to Melanie’s house and as the gentleman he was, Mr. Wonderful got out of the car to say goodbye and tell her he enjoyed meeting her, as he hugged her. I didn’t think my heart would melt anymore to his kindness and yet it was warm and soft as I watched his arms wrapped around her illuminated by the light of the moon on her bare alabaster arm. When Mr. Wonderful returned to the car, he sat in the passenger’s seat. At the moment, I had no idea just what that action meant. I was clueless to the potential disaster that might have occurred as a result of my handing him my keys, while insisting that he had promised to drive us home. Clearly taking my keys and putting himself in the driver’s seat meant that he was more swept away by what I wanted, then my welfare or his. At the time I had no clue, all I knew was that I was scared of what was happening and no lack of alcohol could have made it safe for me to drive.
Even though I did not bring my beloved Galaxy to the brewery in Landers, the universe and the night sky were a strong force, setting the stage for the unmistakable connection Mr. Wonderful and I were feeling and silently expressing. Our actions were subtle, but the emotions were intense as the universe itself. Had I not been aware of the laws of physics, I may have thought that the blue-black of the sky, illuminating by the stars, a sacred atmosphere created just for us.
As he drove us off of the dirt road where Melanie lived I did not speak that much and decided to reveal that I was capable of silence. More than anything I was in deep thought about what had happened, while anticipating what I knew was happening and above all what would happen upon our arrival to my house. I thought about the good night kiss that was inevitable as I struggle to steady my trembling body.

Temperance and the Devil Part 4

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

ShawAcademy

 

 

 

 

 

Read more "Temperance and The Devil Part 3: Dancing in His Eyes"

Cougar in the Hunt Part 2: Did You Really Say 21?

The following is Part 2 of Cougar In the Hunt
cougar, 21-year-old-male, lust, dating, infatuation, romantic encounter, middle aged female sexuality, romantic encounter
“At least a corner of one of his eyes would be fixed on every portion of my body as the minutes after midnight became hours”

By way of some mystery guy code, a fresh drink was placed on the table in front of me. Tin-Man and Mr. Man collectively offered to finance another margarita and simultaneously jumped up once they convinced me to accept. When confronted with the initial offer, my response was that I was driving, therefore I could not drink anymore. Mr. Man’s quick response offered a multitude of answers to my dilemma. He would drive me home; he would take me wherever I wanted to go; he would ensure that I made it home safe, and above all I was in his sober and capable hands. Finesse interjected a response to Mr. Man’s heroism by mentioning that we were invited to go to J&P’s for our usual after party. Mr. Man turned her way for the information and then turned his head back in an instant to fixate once again on my face. With soft questioning eyes, he said “If that is where you are going, then that is where I am going. I will go anywhere you are going. No matter where it is, if you will be there, I will be there.”

As Mr. Man made his declarations, including the promise to be my designated driver, Finesse giggled with hysterics at his direct, poignant, and bold pursuit of me. In this moment, she dubbed me a cougar and made wild cat noises while flapping her hand, like a paw, at me. As the tequila portion of my margarita singed my tongue in passing, I felt the soils of the cliff’s edge crumble beneath me, gravity pulling my body further down towards an unknown abyss. Even souzed, one of my closest friends noticed how enamored Mr. Man was, in my presence, clear as day, in the dark desert night. How could I deny this infatuation knocking my equilibrium off its axis?

To regain my balance, I responded by suggesting the four of us head over to J&P’s place in one car. Within the corners of my mind, I reasoned that Finesse and Tin-Man were at least one safety net in addition to all of our other friends. I felt the pulling motion of my entire person swept up into something that I was not given the time or opportunity to fully assess before being carried away by the whirlwind.

10881626_1381096982192956_237500888385919287_nFor the rest of the show, at least one of Mr. Man’s eyes would be fixed on every portion of my body, as the minutes after midnight became hours. The table the four of us shared was far from the dance floor, yet as Finesse and I were dancing, my body felt the undertow of Mr. Man’s eyes hinged on my every move. Not even the crowd, all around me, distilled his penetrating gaze. This could have caused an unsettling discomfort, in my chest, had it not been so honest and for all intent and purpose harmless. The band played their last songs, as Tin-Man and I finished our drinks clinking our glasses together between swigs.

female sexuality mid-life, lust, sex, attraction, cougar, 21-year-old, sexual choice, single,
“His eyes remained wide, like he was afraid I would disappear or get away if he blinked”

As Mr. Man and I continued to talk, while I drank, he kept a firm grasp on my every word as if every phrase was a life-preserver. His eyes remained wide, like he was afraid I would disappear or escape if he blinked.

As our conversation continued and his fascination grew, I noticed a deformity in his right hand. Instead of asking if he injured his hand or if the malady is birth defect, I found myself telling him every detail of my hand injury, as if I knew I would be fully understood. Despite how young he was, there was no doubt he related to my limitations and even proved himself an authority.

Camouflaged in his blanket jacket, he had half an arm with half a hand. The temptation to touch it overwhelmed my still hands, though I didn’t, since I did not care to patronize him or make any physical overtures he could interpret as sexual. The truth is, I find deformities fascinating. Anatomical differences, such as his, are like rare art, beautiful and intriguing, something unique, and sacred to behold. I am certain this is why I found him compelling despite his age.
affair, cougar, confusion, temptation, lust, attractionMy heart warmed from typical winter frigid to tepid, as I looked into his wide eyes and examined his disfigured body, while trying to be subtle and not seductive. In an effort to cool my warming heart, I continued to force logic and reality, into my mind, regarding his age.

I could feel so many of my firm beliefs erode, like the crumbling cliff below my unsteady and trembling feet. My enjoyment of Mr. Man, his countenance, and our conversation did not irritate me as it should have given that he was only 21. At this stage of my life, I find people in their early 20s, especially male, irritating. He neither annoyed or caused irritation.
As the alcohol seared my already spinning cerebellum, I tried to focus on the fact that he had only recently reached adulthood. In juxtaposition, with this brand new adult, was my adulthood spanning longer than his entire life. If this night had happened only four years earlier, he would not even be able to consent to the desires he was expressing with blunt and candid conviction. Looking at his driver’s license and learning that underage IDs are now vertical instead of horizontal, should have been a jolt more powerful than anything, but he did not take his eyes off me long enough for me to notice.
photo collage, cougar, lust, sex, affair, attraction, infatuation, fantasy

Blinding myself to the obvious fact that he appeared, dressed, and acted 21 was impossible. At the same time I never tried to justify my attraction to him with any absurd cliques like ‘mature for his age,’ or ‘he and I spiritually the same age.’ I could never live in the sort of denial that would enable me to lie to myself in this manner.

Nonetheless, I was caught off guard; In my world, I don’t enjoy keeping company with anyone younger than 40 other than family. Anyone in my life under 40 is either family, or the offspring of my peers. I could not  escape reality; this young man was young enough to be my son. My nephew, the closest person to a son of mine, was only two years younger. I could not imagine bringing any relationship with a 21-year-old to my family.

Even in an inebriated state, there was no denying these facts in my mind. My body, at this point, had no idea what would happen and the eruptive sensations yet to come.
mrsrobinson (1)

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purpose of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

Share your thoughts:

[contact-
field label=’Email’ type=’email’/]

Read more "Cougar in the Hunt Part 2: Did You Really Say 21?"

Temperance and the Devil: Back to the CA Desert

Part 1 of the Story That Inspired It Happened That Night

The story of Mr. Wonderful, began as one of Finesse’s routine help-a-friend-projects. Finesse has a knack for networking and drawing resources together when someone is in need. She posted on Facebook that a friend of hers was leaving Lake Elsewhere and returning to our beautiful desert community of the insane.

My new-found friends were part of a larger pack of artists, creatives, and musicians most of whom are over 40. As characteristic of the magic of the high-desert, I had my own “fab-4” myself, Christa, Trisha, and Finesse accompanied, most of the time, by my bunny Galaxy. Galaxy is an integral part of the pack and Christa, Trisha, and Finesse often think of him as my infant given his similar needs.
Pioneer Town California, Grateful Dead-Revival Band, musicians, music, dance, movie set, old westMy friend and our pack, were in the midst of a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, filled with the magic of pure friendship and fun. Finesse, Galaxy, and I set out for Pioneertown to see our Grateful Dead revival band play. We piled in the car like young groupies, laughing the entire trip through every twist and turn of the windy desert road all the way to Pioneertown. Upon arrival, we were welcomed by all of our friend’s gathered on the soundstage where the band was playing. Our “pack” had relocated for the day, to the wondrous splendor of this bizarre place, where so many old westerns were once filmed.

The day after our adventure to Pioneertown was the Memorial Day Concert. True to the characteristic oddity of the hi-desert, the all day outdoor concert took place in the Joshua Tree cemetery. My pack was gathered around the speakers, which was too loud for Galaxy, so I stayed in the upper portion of the cemetery with the families.

Throughout the day, we talked to strategize a plan to bring Mr. Wonderful to Joshua Tree. We imagined a fun road trip in my car, but I didn’t have enough gas for the trip. Finesse had arranged a place for Mr. Wonderful to live that at the time seemed like the perfect situation. Mr. Treeman, the new roommate, ended up making the trip to Lake Elsewhere to pick up Mr. Wonderful.

I asked Finesse what her friend and former resident of Joshua Tree was doing in Lake Elsewhere in the first place. She said he relocated to Lake Elsewhere for a relationship, but because it ended he wanted to come home. My immediate thought was how absurd is was to relocate just for a relationship, something I would never do. If only I had known that this would be a major factor in my future pains. 
blogTemp

The magic of the weekend kept going as if it would never end. The day after our Memorial Day Concert the band gave another performance.  This was a nice intimate performance at a charity meal. As the first to arrive at the charity dinner, I met one of the coordinators who was a kind and gorgeous man. Before long, I became both lost and found in our conversation and in his soulful eyes. He was exactly the kind of man I was dreaming of meeting. He was gentle, soft-spoken, long hair going grey, wonderful life experiences, and a long resume of social justice activities. The way he looked at me made me feel beautiful and I was in the best possible state to radiate this beauty throughout the room. This radiant glow would be the catalyst for so many things yet to happen.

Mr. Treeman delivered Mr.Wonderful to this event, to meet up with Finesse. Mr. Wonderful and Finesse had a long history of close friendship.  Finesse introduced me to Mr. Wonderful and his eyes shifted gently at the sight of me. I noticed, right away, the crystalline sparkle of his blue eyes, like the way a stream glistens in the sun as it sets. Compelled by some force of my nature, I immediately showed him pictures of my rabbit on my smart phone. Galaxy wasn’t with me, though I was wishing I had brought him. Mr. Wonderful’s response, though not verbal, was positive. I could see the enthusiasm over my rabbit in his eyes and he put his glasses to view the images of Galaxy clearly.

Throughout the evening Finesse took pictures of the ever-changing desert sky that was in the onset of dusk and clouds indicative of a storm. The desert sky is a magical splendor. Mr. Wonderful was in and out of these outdoor gatherings and he seemed reflective as he viewed the sky’s activities.

When I went into the kitchen to see if there was something that I could do to help, the other coordinator, a lady, snapped bitterly at me, which hurt my feelings. Shortly after this odd encounter, I missed Galaxy and became compelled to get inside my car and drive; I went home and scooped up Galaxy and brought him back to the gathering, which by then, was winding down. Galaxy was in his sling and Mr. Wonderful did not hesitate to pet him while catching my eyes as much as possible. The sky, closer to the dark of night in appearance was still a sight that was collectively being savored. Mr. Wonderful mentioned to Finesse that he was going over to the Joshua saloon to meet up with Mr. Treeman.

After vying for attention from the beautiful man, for which I was smitten, I realized that he was likely in a partnership with the lady, who had been so mean to me for seemingly no reason, earlier when I had gone into the kitchen. I found out about a month later that they are actually married.
photo collage, dreams, reflections, wishes, desires, possibilities, romance, love, friendship, gathering

Before I left the church for home,  I noticed by smartphone alert that Mr. Wonderful wasted no time sending me a friend invite on Facebook. He must have “friend-ed” me at the Saloon or the moment Mr. Treeman took him to the hobble where he would be staying. I accepted without much thought. Since joining the pack, friend invites had been constant, so it didn’t surprise me that he took this initiative though it was instantaneous.

In the weeks that followed Mr. Wonderful, in the Facebook world, seemed to be two steps ahead and behind me much of the time. I posted pictures he would be the first to “like.” I would RSVP for an event, he would RSVP seconds later. He had rsvp for a show with the band at the saloon, but like many events he didn’t actually show. I got several pokes from him, though I didn’t notice them when they were sent to me. 

Joshua Tree, native birds, nesting, wildlife habitat, animal love
“Each time I posted any animal photos, he was always the first to “like.”

In the following weeks Mr. Wonderful shared the aftermath of this breakup openly, on Facebook, all of which compelled to reach out to him. He posted a candid request that he needed a diversion and could we apprise him of local events to fill the void. I thought of an article I had written years before called “The Big-Bad Break-Up” which is about  filling the gap a relationship can leave behind. Feeling compassion, I responded with all of the wonderful activities that had been my salvation when I moved to Joshua Tree not knowing anyone at all. I included commentary on what I thought he would like and even offered to accompany him. What he might be thinking about these gestures is not something I thought about or considered.

At Christa’s son Mason’s luau birthday party, Mr. Wonderful appeared out of nowhere. I sat down next to him with Galaxy on my lap. He was quick to affection with Galaxy, who perked his curious rabbit ears and reach his twitching nose forward in response. As he stoked Galaxy,  part of his hand grazed my armed, gentle and amorous, sending a warm sensation through my body as my elevated heartbeat reverberated on my chest. I wasn’t sure if this was intentional, so I assumed it wasn’t. What surprised me is how much his touch affected me, not to mention how his connecting with Galaxy touched my spirit.

party, fate, romance, friends, gathering, love, encounter, attraction, night sky, house rabbits
“You noticed?” he said as his eyes widened like a child on Christmas morning….

While making clumsy conversation with Mr. Wonderful, unaware that I was lost in his eyes and disarmed by his touch,  I mentioned the band playing at the saloon the previous weekend, how he had posted an rsvp, but didn’t attend the show.  His glassy blue eyes widened and he looked stunned as he asked, “You noticed?”  His
tone of voice and the look in his widened eyes was just like a little kid who finally received the shiny new red bike, his heart desired, on Christmas morning. In this same outdoor venture, I moved about to dodge cigarette smoke, I also talked with a stunning woman who was intrigued and deeply touched by Galaxy and by Galaxy and I. Under the clueless impression that Mr. Wonderful liked this lady, I opted to get out-of-the-way by repairing back to the living room to be with Finesse, Tricia, and Christa. The next time I looked outside, Mr. Wonderful had disappeared, perhaps somewhere in the desert night.

Desert Diva and Her Infinite Galaxy

Temperance and The Devil, Part 2

Even a small PayPal donation will enable my gourmet coffee habit and help with Galaxy’s special needs.
Shop For Clothing Now To Help Rescue Animals!

Read more "Temperance and the Devil: Back to the CA Desert"