Affirmations From The Galaxy: Heartbreak & Hope

I break free of unnecessary pain and sorrow

I ride away from sorrow swiftly on a horse as wild as me

we ride like the wind affirmations, empowerment, independance, hope, heartbreak, pain, love, self-esteem

into the sun…………….C.C. Silsbee

 

Reacting and responding are different; I am learning to RESPOND!……C.C.Silsbee

 

The most loving thing i can do now is leave someone behind; in moving forward i will one day find someone who will commit a loving act towards me & ask me to stay……C.C. Silsbee

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Temperance & The Devil Part 7: Insanity Plea

Temperance & The Devil Part 7

Continuation of Temperance & The Devil 6

The moment after the involvement severing Facebook dialogue with Mr. Wonderful, I felt an overwhelming confusion. My heart and mind continued to battle never reaching a reasonable agreement. My heart wanted Mr. Wonderful and my mind wanted to protect my heart. Despite how determined my mind was to protect my heart at all costs, my heart was unrelenting at wanting to open up to him and let him enter. Keeping my heart safe felt like letting my heart

single woman over 40, relationships, falling in love, high-desert photo collage, mid-life
In that instant I wanted to dive right into his deep blue eyes like pools of a crystalline cool water oasis in the hot high desert summer.

ache and spin. He had already affected me in such a significant manner and I wondered if I would regret letting him go. To this day I wish my mind and heart could have worked together, collectively, reaching a compromise that would keep me safe.

Sunday night was the conversation over Facebook chat where I put a halt to our connection. He had asked if we could be friends and I was 100% sincere as I responded with a “yes.” During our online chat he stopped replying, which left me concerned. Monday morning I went to my woman’s support group and shared my dilemma. Mr. Wonderful’s photo was in my Smartphone picture gallery and when I passed around my phone as collective oohs and aahhhs came from each members of the group. Despite how attracted I felt for him, I never noticed his visual aesthetic. When I met him, all I noticed was his eyes, so blue as they shifted and widened upon encountering mine. In that instant I wanted to dive right into his deep blue eyes like pools of a crystalline cool water oasis in the hot high desert summer. Handsome was the consensus among this group and others; to me he was the kind of beautiful that reaches the eyes for only a moment but deeply touches the soul.

After the encouragement which I wish I had embraced for a sustained length of time, I sat at a computer and looked for him online and messaged him. My heart was taken with him on a flight, fighting my better judgement, and winning.

first date, attraction, falling in love, dance
I danced the magical night away in his crystalline blue eyes…

The conversation we had on Facebook the previous evening took a bizarre turn that foreshadowed and confused many chat conversation to come.

I hated that I was telling him we could not be involved over an internet chat, while at the same time I knew if I saw him in person I would want to fall into his embrace, kiss him with my considerable innate passion, and surrender the rest of my heart to his heart..

I told him that yes, we would be friends and maybe, in time, possibly more. Then he typed “Good night,” but I wasn’t finished and I didn’t feel like the conversation ought to be over. I typed “you believe me right?”

There was no reply from him, so I typed “are you still there? Please, I really want to know.” After a few minutes he did not respond, so I typed “okay, this hurts.” I typed this to his chat window, but it was like typing to myself. Had I hurt him so much that I may never see or hear from him again?

It was after 12 am by the time I said these last words and he disappeared out of our conversation. I became far too wrapped up in my guilt over rejecting him and then regretting it, that I was unable to see that this was a sign of future confusion,

fear of intimacy, adult child of abuse, falling in love, fear of love, fear of intimacy, woman over 40, PTSD
Could I have been resisting Mr. Wonderful because the abuse I suffered as a child still makes me feel unworthy?…

sorrow, and 21rst century technological communication gap.

The conversation we had on Facebook the previous evening took a bizarre turn that foreshadowed and confused many chat conversation to come.

I hated that I was telling him we could not be involved over an internet chat, while at the same time I knew if I saw him in person I would want to fall into his embrace, kiss him with my considerable innate passion, and surrender the rest of my heart to his heart..

I told him that yes, we would be friends and maybe, in time, possibly more. Then he typed “Good night,” but I wasn’t finished and I didn’t feel like the conversation ought to be over. I typed “you believe me, right?”

There was no reply from him, so I typed “are you still there? Please, I really want to know.” After a few minutes he did not respond, so I typed “okay, this hurts.”

It was after 12 am by the time I said these last words and he disappeared out of our conversation. I became far too wrapped up in my guilt over rejecting him and then regretting it, that I was unable to see that this was a sign of future confusion, sorrow, and 21rst century technological communication gap.

My heart wanted Mr. Wonderful and my mind wanted to protect my heart. Despite how determined my mind was to protect my heart at all costs, my heart was unrelenting at wanting to open up to him and let him enter. Keeping my heart safe felt like letting my heart ache and spin. He had already affected me in such a significant manner and I wondered if I would regret letting him go. To this day I wish my mind and heart could have worked together, collectively, reaching a compromise that would keep me safe. 

relationships, finding love, single woman over 40, love
In truth, I had been through a lonely spell dryer then the desert we lived in, to reach this beautiful oasis….

After my support group I went to the computer, went to Facebook and recanted what I had said to Mr. Wonderful the previous evening. The connection I felt with him was too strong and I did not want to waste an opportunity to be with a man as kind as him. I surrendered my heart and tore down all walls of protection as I typed:

Me: Ok, i regret that I did not wait till I saw you in person to discuss the above and now there is a cyberspace-misunderstanding. The truth, I wanted to discuss my concerns, and I made the mistake of doing so here, online. I don’t want to sound loopy or wishy-washy when I say that i DO want you to continue to pursue me (romantically) and hope you still want to. Can we rewind or as my father used to say regroup? I will be home tomorrow till 11am if you want to come by or meet for coffee.

Me: Ps. I am claiming menopausal temporary insanity…..

Mr. Wonderful: ?????

In addition to this declaration I also inquired about his dropping off communication the evening before. He explained how he began to feel emotional and did not want to bother me. I felt bad when I realized that my words may have been too harsh and therefore hurtful, so I said:

Me: Why would you think I was bothering you…….

Mr.Wonderful: Just because

Me: Will you please bother me??

or take me mini-golfing which ever suites your taste…

Mr. Wonderful: You want me to??

Me: Yes,

Mr. Wonderful: Ok

Me:: I also want to start over from the moment we said goodbye on Saturday night or from when we are ‘talking’ Sunday morning….I am sorry I defined your timetable of grief- this was not my place to do so….In other words, six months would not be enough time for ME. It is not up to me to decide for you…

Hope this makes sense.

Mr. Wonderful: Perfectly

Me: I don’t like typing Facebook communication it hurts my hurting hand and it causes miscommunication and misunderstanding….Can we, you and me, start over?

Mr. Wonderful: Sorry. I hope to have my phone back on next day or so, and we can start anywhere you like.

As I read his response I felt relief, while a warm assurance that I made the right choice filled my heart and mind. In this moment, I was not longer afraid or eager to make trouble and the wonder of what was to come stimulated the adrenals throughout my body, mind and heart. I was actually physically and emotionally attracted to a kind and safe person, which has happened only a few times in my life which had arrived at the midpoint so fast and without the love of another for so many years. I was living in the desert, but a five-year dry spell was three years in progress when I moved here. In essence, I had held out for five years, including 2 years on the road not forming any kind of attachments, to find someone like Mr. Wonderful and my reward was awaiting me with open arms.

In my reflections, during the less than 24-hour period of telling him that we could not happen, feeling an ambivalence that dominated my mind and heart struggle to resolve, and then letting him know I did want to be with him, I realized that a heart that stays sheltered and protected, unwilling to take risks was a heart that could never love or be loved. If I had known that I was letting my heart venture into a dangerous biting cold winter maybe I would not have ventured into the elements entirely naked when I should have had sub-zero protection.

What touched my heart on the most profound level, in this conversation and future encounters, was how much Mr. Wonderful cared for Galaxy. In this same Facebook dialogue we said:

Me: ….you can also come by my place (not everyone gets this privilege) Galaxy would LOVE to see you….He really likes you….

Mr. Wonderful : Thank you, I will come see Galaxy.

Temperance and The Devil Part 8: Fire in the Hills

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

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Affirmations From the Galaxy

blind rabbit, disabled, the universe, wisdomLove is a natural feeling that lives in the heart; sustainable love is love in action…..Candice Silsby

A step back is sometimes several steps forward…..Candice Silsby

My worth will never fluctuate; it remains high…Candice Silsby

When a man puts a woman on a high peta-stool, blind to her love, romance, attraction, encounter, date, music, dancing, brewery, night sky, stars, friendshipimperfections, down the long drop she will quickly and painfully fall from his favor, but she does not have to fall from her own grace….Candice Silsby

Temperance & The Devil

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Affirmations From the Galaxy

#friendship #community

Affirmations From the Galaxy

When my heart is broken I take comfort in friends and look to the wisdom of the Galaxy” By Candice Silsby

#houserabbit #animalwisdom #affirmation #animalrescue #buddism
My house bunny Galaxy reminds me that love does not have to hurt.

“My house bunny taught me that love does not have to hurt”
Anonymous Bunny worshiper

“Hatred and vengeance is a trap that keeps us chained to the ones that hurt us; forgiveness is a sacred set of wings that carry us to freedom and closer to spirit.”

by Candice Silsby influenced by the Dali Llama

#thenightsky #findinsightsinthenaturalworld #relationships, #houserabbit #animalspirit #JoshuatreeWisdom From the Galaxy Blog

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Temperance & The Devil Part 6: Ambivlance

Continuation of Temperance & the Devil Part 5 

#MojaveAsh-ThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nativebirds, #nesting #wildlifehabitat #animallove
Each time I posted any animal photos, he was always the first to “like.” Original Photo by Candice Silsby

The natural world in the high desert expands all around the community that it surrounds. A joyous event occurred that thanks to the Facebook memory tracker happens the same time each year. The Mojave Desert Ash-Throated Fly-catcher, the previous year had nested in the Joshua Tree in my front yard. It was magical watching each stage from the building of the nest to the hatching of the chicks to the chicks leaving the nest. I documented all of it with photos and video. This occurrence had been a joy and a comfort enough to defeat every sorrow plaguing my everyday life and motivation. I would jump up out of bed first thing in the morning to go outside with a camera and take pleasure in their chirping and feeding. The chicks arrived about a week before the defining night of Mr. wonderful and myself. I posted photos of every stage, on a daily basis which was always followed by a “Like” click from Mr. Wonderful. 

#MojaveAshThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nightsky #romanticencounter #CaliforniaHi-Desert #relationshipdoubts #love #love'suncertainty #fear
original photo by Candice Silsby

As he drove away, I let myself into my house and was greeted by my earthen angel Galaxy. My questions and confusion would be settled a little as I lost myself in loving and caring for him. Even with the message from Mr. Wonderful that he was home sleep would be intercepted by my racing thought.
The next morning, after the unexpected evening with Mr. Wonderful, was Sunday. I wanted to chat with him on Facebook, I supposed, to extend the intimacy of the previous night, follow-up on this new relationship. Based on my experience I may have also needed validation. I did have to pause, to ask if it was too soon and would I look too eager. I went ahead and received the warmest reception from him. This chat lasted for a couple of hours and was really nice as we actually became better acquainted. He was earnest, sincere, and enthusiastic it seemed, He sent me Facebook stickers during our back and forth. Everything should have been just right with a positive good start.

In situations where my heart is either on a bed of roses or a chopping block, I become confused. The beginning stage of relationships is something I have little to no skill; over my significant years I have rarely practiced the beginning stage as I either have a fling with someone or dive right into the relationship skipping the beginning stages.

At this point, it had been five years, and that relationship had been 7.5 years. That relationship was in a class by itself because we had already known each other for nearly 20 years. I had never intended it to last as for that many years. It was supposed to be a superficial, short-lived casual thing, but instead of it superficial-casual-long-term.

Over the years I have also struggled with an impulse to find problems and react to fear when a relationship begins, which is how I have come this far having few experiences with the initial relationship stages.

My head and my heart conjured up a conflict in a large cauldron with a giant spoon stirring all the elements into a whirlpool. This soup simmered as I stirred, between Sunday morning when we had our nice Facebook chat and Monday morning. Part of the recipe was a logical and legitimate concern that terrified me so much, the adrenaline required to face it also exacerbated the conflict and terror inside me.

animal medicine, animal spirit, the universe, companion animals, astronomy, stars, desert skyI loved the way Mr. Wonderful made me feel and at the same time he was fresh out of a relationship and I was afraid of being a rebound relationship to him. I was petrified of opening my heart just to find he did not have any real feelings for me. I didn’t want to but I felt I needed to put a stop to what was happening. I had to be strong and resist him and put a stop to what was transpiring.

I excused myself from our Sunday am Facebook dialogue several times, yet we still kept Facebook chat messaging, off and on for several hours until Finesse came for me. We went to visit her mother’s shop and later to a Tibetan bowls gathering at Bobby’s Wonderland. Mr. Wonderful had RSVP for it, though he did not attend. He was, however, there with me via Facebook likes and comments. We took photos of Galaxy that he clearly enjoyed seeing. I felt like a part of him was there with us.

The Tibetan bowls gathering was yet another magical wonder that is characteristic of Joshua Tree. During the bowl players break, the player made a beeline for Galaxy the moment he noticed him. He greeted and petted Galaxy warmly, asked me if he needed anything, and even suggested a spot where he would be most comfortable. The reception was comparable to what a little Buddha Prince would receive. We did choose a suggested spot that Galaxy indeed loved as it was very close to the bowls and Galaxy was hypnotised by the mesmerizing melodic echo of the bowls. For me, I was able to quiet my mind to a certain degree.

I had been going back and forth all day about my fears of being a rebound relationship and the love I felt for him. Honestly, I did not know what to do about the idea of either scenario, both of which scared me.

He message me when I returned home, eagerly greeting me with a sticker of two foxes doing the Tango with hearts all around. My heart could feel such an intense tingle for a moment, as I told myself I had to discourage him.

I typed out, I have to tell you something and. I really don’t want to do so like this….

Mr. Wonderful: Yes what’s the matter ?

Me: Again would rather not say like this and REALLY don’t want to have to…

Mr. Wonderful

Did I do something?

I understand but now I am worried   

Me

No….We can’t do this, whatever this is

Mr. Wonderful

WHAT?

Me:

U and me, that is what….too soon for you….

Mr. Wonderful: You don’t want to be romantically involved with me?

Me: I do 

I REALLY do, but not as a rebound…

Mr. Wonderful

#fearinlove #love #ghostsofthepast
I had been going back and forth all day about my fears of being a rebound relationship and the love I felt for him.

Agreed

Me: Just to be clear i do want involvement….just can’t…What r u agreeing with?

Mr. Wonderful:

That I too do not want a rebound relationship and I don’t feel there is a rebound here because My relationship with her has been over for some time…..

How could someone, 58 years old, used to long-term relationships possibly say that their relationship had been over for some time? This was indeed another red flag, though at the time I wasn’t sure if it was just a different perception. I asked him how long it had been, in case my information was inaccurate. He told me December, making the time only five months, so I replied:

Me: Not enough time……We can’t do this, I can’t be a rebound relationship.

Temperance & The Devil 7

 

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That Night in Landers

It Happened That Night in Landers

I danced the magical night awayanimal wisdom, rabbit spirit, love, romantic night, first date, music, dancing friendship, falling in love, attraction

in his crystalline blue eyes,

fluid and comfortable, gentle and kind.

He shared the night sky with me, as the universe gave way to us, in all her blessed glory.

He shined like a star to me, as the road I had travel was paved with sorrows left behind. 

#photocollage #relationships #love #goodnightkiss #desertsky #high-desert

My path ahead filled with beauty, adventure, possibilities, dreams, friendships all lay gloriously ahead of me.

Despite my fears I opened my heart to him,

I reached out my hand to him;

I slowed down, I stepped back, and to the side so he could join me.

Held behind, he is trapped in a place i cannot go and not even my heart can break the chains that bind his. temp&devil

So I am to go ahead, in my own light. 

My path will take me forward

through twist and turn,

uphill and down through rivers and valleys;

Wherever the journey takes me I walk with spirit;

In strength and beauty I will always be the one to walk in the sun…….

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Temperance and the Devil

Shop For Gifts Now To Help Rescue Animals!As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

 

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