The Joey Dance: Thanks-Give-Me Joey

This is the continuing story of Heart Break Winter: Thanks-Give-Me Joey

Thanks-Give-Me Joey

The Joey’s response was quick as his wit. He explained that he was dressed for winter everywhere else, so why would his feet be cold?
As my intrigue grew, a warm sensation reached my stomach, which had been achy, damp, and cold since Mr. Wonderful disappearance. This was the first night away from home in an entire month since my car had malfunctioned. In the space of this singular high desert winter evening, I had danced, been around children, eaten a meal with other humans, and felt the warmth of the fire and the kind company of nice people. At this moment, Galaxy sat cozily in my lap, as my curiosity towards this new male acquaintance, grew alongside the flaming embers. I was surrounded by a significant accumulation of simple joys which were first aid to my cold heart. I was with friends and I really liked Genie’s friends and her daughter.
The irony of this person arriving to rescue us from the disastrous situation Mr. Wonderful left us with, was present. This irony occurred to me later, but at this time I was in a mild trance as I stared at the shadows of the fire bouncing and flickering on and off of his face, accentuating his green eyes and a large nose, casting a triangular shadow on the side of his face. initial attraction, fate, destiny, hope
After we said our goodbyes and prepared to leave Genie’s house, the Joey lifted up his hatchback so I could stow away Galaxy provisions. I was impressed that I did not have to ask for this detail. Peter-Pan commandeered the front seat before I could get there. Given how he stumbles around clueless most of the time, I never thought he would be so quick to take what I wanted. My plan to steal moments with the Joey was supposed to be subtle, but I found myself commanding Peter-Pan to sit in the back seat despite his spoiled adolescent protests. The Joey. in a quiet voice, but firm tone, ordered Peter-Pan to sit in the back of the car. I was surprised and impressed when Peter-Pan moved to back seat without saying a word. I suggested to the Joey that it might make sense to take me home first, since I live only five minutes away from Genie, while Finesse and Peter-Pan live in the hills of Joshua Tree National Park. I added that because he was driving, the decision was his. To my surprise and wonder, the Joey chose to take Finesse and the Peter-Pan home first. We drove up the hill and into the park and to the dirt road to their house. I became fairly acquainted with the Joey on the way up the hill though my focus was more on Finesse and all the stresses she was facing. The advantages she had reaped from taking over Mr. Wonderful’s use of Mr.Treeman’s car were minimal and now the madness of the dysfunctional circumstances creating more stress. I had no idea how much guilt she was really feeling. photo collage, woman over 40, music, drumming, community, high desert, relationships, tribe, lust, sexuality and menopause
The Joey pulled into Finesse and Peter Pan’s driveway as my mind wandered to thoughts of the time Mr. Wonderful and I had driven there to check on Finesse.
As Finesse and Peter-Pan got out of the car, I told Finesse that she wasn’t alone and how she could count on me to shoulder some of the burden.
As the Joey backed out of the driveway, I felt nervous and calm at the same time. I asked him how he met Peter-Pan and Finesse.
“At the Saloon, or as I call it the Spittoon” The idea of a spittoon is disgusting and revolting to me, so I did not fully appreciate this characterization. My mind couldn’t help but think about how Peter-Pan and the Joey met just after Mr. Wonderful. The Joey must have replaced Mr. Wonderful as Peter-Pan’s bar buddy. I jerked my mind back to the moment and away from thought of Mr. Wonderful.
The rapture of the dark cold winter night and the late hour brought a strange calm over my hyperactive adrenals of the odd connection catalyzing a slow, subtle thawing to the chill of my still guarded heart. Since Mr. Wonderful’s departure, my heart could not imagine feeling this kind of warmth while present with different man. The tight binding of the shards of my broken heart expanded through my entire chest, stimulating my solar plexus while creating a pleasant fire on ice whirlwind in my abdomen. Photo collage depicting the power of companion animals and the universe
The conversation had a comfortable ease and my ability to say interesting things while still listening to him was in full balance. The entire car trip to my house, had just enough comfortable brief silences, a natural level of awkwardness one would expect to have with someone new, and just enough connection so that nothing was forced or strained. He told me about dirt biking with his dogs on our many trails as amusing images came to mind. People with dogs win my favor since canines attract dedicated individuals. I was also impressed by his hybrid car that felt like a spaceship gliding through the bitter cold of the infinite desert night.
Had I achieved true Temperance? Had I met someone who could bring out the best in me?
Somehow the image of him sitting by the fire where I had been admiring the tile work, ignited the spark of beholding something beautiful and at the same time strange. I was sitting on the couch with my bunny Galaxy when he came in the door and I only looked in his direction long enough to be polite since Galaxy had urinated on me.

The Joey revealed his geographical knowledge of the odd urban layout of our high desert. He drove on the back-road off the highway that is familiar to locals. I told him to let me know when he needed me to direct him. He only needed help with the last few turns. When we reached my house, he pulled into my driveway behind my broken car. He turned the car off and paused a moment until I asked  “Can you help me carry a few things to my door”
“Oh, of course” he responded as if he felt he should have offered to help without my asking. I held Galaxy as he carried blankets and a “diaper bag” to the door.
“You can just put that here, I will take care of it.”
winter, heartbreak, initial attraction, hope, first meeting
As I held Galaxy, wrapped snug in a blanket, I faced him as he said, “I am sure I will see you and Galaxy again,” As the tone of his voice subtly implicated a question, I widened my eyes as if to answer with a yes while I reached out to hug him. We embraced around Galaxy who was nestled in my right arm creating a barrier on half of my chest.
I thought about the Joey as I fell asleep. Mr. Wonderful had been gone for over a month and though I was still missing him, I had far surpassed all self-imposed expectations of fidelity to him. Though Mr. Wonderful left without even saying goodbye, my heart did not sever ties of loyalty to him in the same abrupt manner for which he disappeared. The uncertainty lingered daily as I knew nothing about what had become of Mr. Wonderful and if I would ever see him again. The only thing  with any certainty was that I could not deny the simple truth that Mr. Wonderful nowhere in my physical proximity. My friends, my community, and the potential of those I had not met were physically present.
The mysterious Joey was a testament to my potential to experience attraction for someone other than Mr. Wonderful. I had another testament that my broken heart was still beating to the rhythm of my life.
I didn’t see the Joey for a while, though frequent and unfavorable commentary from Finesse flowed freely and reminded me of his presence in her life. The wonder of the fleeting moment we spent alone settled into the back of my mind, even as Finesse’s harsh critical words made me resigned to disregard any thoughts of him.


Coming Soon The Joey Dance Part 3

 

 

 

 

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Affirmations From the Galaxy: Freedom

Freedom is always comes at a price, the return comes after the pain when I retrieve my soul….C.C. Silsbee

As much as I love you, I must act on the love I have for myself and let you go………C.C. SilsbeePhoto collage depicting the loss of love and heartbreak

I ran through the desert night, further and further from the pain ……I ran and I ran desperate for water…..worn out, I ran and I ran further and further…..I ran until I reached an oasis….I ran through the oasis and I found me……I looked to the Galaxy and found my way home…..C.C. Silsbee

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Affirmations From The Galaxy Wednesday

Affirmations on Aging, brought to my readers by Cougar in the Hunt

#cougar #Mrs.Robinson #attraction #21 #lust
….my resolve to not be involved with this young man was torn down the moment the palm of his had touched my knee..”

1) Age is not just a number, it represents wisdom from experience while reaping the benefits of seeds sown and propagated.

2) If an aging woman is not beautiful in your eyes, your eyes must mature enough to see what is real.

3) An aging woman is wise, competent, strong, and true to herself.

4) A young woman lost will best find her way by reaching for the hands of her elder female sisters who have walked her path……..

5) Menopause may cause brief moments of temporary “insanity” but the outcome is a new life of limited mistakes……..

Cougar In the Hunt  selfyoungnowold

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photo collage depicting the changes of an aging woman

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Wisdom From The Galaxy: Bunny Buddhism

These affirmations are dedicated to Bunny Buddhism and the Wisdom I have learned from my sweet bunny Galaxy.

To find true bunny love, we must abandon the expectations that stand in love’s way……Bunny Buddhism

May our bunny love be as high and vast as the sky.…..Bunny Buddhism cropped-12030313_1158956900798727_169404727114116822_o.jpg

Confused thoughts cannot affect pure bunniness any more than a carrot can grow in the sky…..Bunny Buddhism

Wisdom From My Galaxy house rabbit, animal wisdom, buddhism, spirit

A bunny life is delicate and fragile, so each day is a sacred gift; Looking to the Galaxy I am learning to live in the moment and this moment with my beloved bunny is precious and beautiful enough to live in my heart forever…….Candice Silsbee

 

art opening, live music, house bunny, Joshua tree community, romantic evening
Photo courtesy of Vanessa Leigh Hinner https://www.instagram.com/dezertdolly/?hl=en
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Heart Break Winter Vlog and How Galaxy & I Met The Joey

Winter brought a freeze to the shards of my heart with each piece frozen in time. Darkness dominated the evening hours while overflowing tears created a constant stream traveling down my face throughout the nights. …….Continue

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Galaxy & The Joey Part 2: Thanks-Give-Me-Joey coming soon!

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Galaxy & The Joey Part 1: Heart Break Winter

Winter brought a freeze to the shards of my heart with each piece frozen in time. Darkness dominated the evening hours while overflowing tears created a constant stream traveling down my face throughout the nights.

Photo collage depicting the loss of love and heartbreakAny traces of Mr. Wonderful fell to the desert winds, none of us knowing what direction. His disappearance left no clues and his welfare was still a complete unknown. I was facing many questions, with few answers, and no communication. Given the ambiguous circumstances, of his sudden absence, the only option available to me was relinquishing loyalty to Mr. Wonderful as there was no sign of him returning to Joshua Tree.

Galaxy had been my most sacred comfort and each day his beauty and joyous disposition was my salvation. At the same time, I knew in my heart how much Galaxy missed Mr. Wonderful, though Galaxy was much more able to live in the moment.photo collage depicting the pain and wisdom from heartbreak, relationships, mental illness, animal wisdom, heartbreak, woman over 40

A pivotal question kept crashing through my mind while lingering in constant conflict with my heart. How do I grieve with no specific about what I have lost? At this point, his absence and lack of contact indicated an indefinite end to our relationship. I reached inside myself searching the depths of my heart and soul for answers, but all I found was wide canyons and crude fissures of regrets and terrors.

One reality was certain, in each passing moment the man I loved was far out of my reach to an extent that was incomprehensible.

What I did have full knowledge of was the fact that he was not physically present, not within my reach, and not making contact with any of us. I was aware, of the folks fully present who would prove to be my strength. To survive the gaping hole left in my chest, I would have to embrace what and whom existed in my physical proximity. The Wisdom of the Infinite Galaxy was on its way carrying gifts.

Thanksgiving was soon to arrive while my car was malfunctioning beyond my financial means thus forcing me into an isolation turning my heartache into a deep cut stinging in the biting cold. Without my vehicle, I could not see my family and asking them to come and get me would need to be saved for Christmas.

affirmation, forgiveness, child abuse, substance abuse, deception, heartbreak, mental illness
There was more to be discovered about Mr. Wonderful sending shock waves into my entire sense of wellness….

At this point I was unaware that relief was on its way, bending my path sideways with ironic roots tracing back to Mr. Treeman dysfunction and Mr. Wonderful’s sudden disappearance. Finesse acquired the driving privilege of Mr. Treeman’s car to help care for his place since she considered it her responsibility since she had set up the arrangement for Mr. Wonderful which ended up falling apart. In a mere moment, this mutually beneficial agreement fell ruptured in the middle of our holiday rituals. Genie, a member of our tribe who I did not know as well as Finesse, invited an intimate few to her house for Thanksgiving, which was a small but distinct print in the desert sand on my long road to salvation. What seemed like lost wandering circles of events and subsequent emotions was actually a secure path forward, making a full circle back to me. mess.

Finesse, her boyfriend Peter Pan, Galaxy and I had been invited to Genie’s home for a Thanksgiving gathering. Since Finesse managed to commandeer Mr. Wonderful’s transportation, while my car was malfunctioning, she offered to give me and Galaxy a ride, so we could take part in Genie’s holiday meal.

The plot twists that would occur before we arrived at the Genie’s house, would set off a turn of events, reminding me that although my heart was in shattered ruins, it was still indeed beating.

Finesse needed to stop at the grocery store before going to Genie’s place. I was riding in my familiar passenger’s seat that I had shared with Mr. Wonderful, so I was able to notice a distinct problem. The vehicle alignment was rickety. Finesse examined the area around the tires as we got out of the car. The tread of the tire was completely worn, and the balding was so bad that wire was exposed. The sounds I heard as Finesse drove and applied the brakes was indicative of rotor and CV boot problems accelerating wear on the tire. Finesse wondered if the car would make it to Genie’s place and since it was so close we decided to join the gathering and figure out a solution before the end of the evening.

Despite this setback, It was a beautiful celebration, and I began to rediscover once again the spirited quality of our Joshua Tree connections, the same of which led me to Mr. Wonderful. I missed him so much and at the same time I wanted desperately to be fully present in these precious moments gifted to me that involved loved one’s still physically with me in Joshua Tree. A huge feast awaited us, though assuming it was a potluck, we brought food. We enjoyed several helpings of well-prepared dishes and desserts.

mandalarew
The vision of him on stage was a mandala; I danced through the set only knowing that this was a person who would be part of my high desert activity indefinitely…..

Genie brought out her stack of Motown records and we danced for hours. As any gathering with Finesse, several photos taken allowed us to savor so many of these moments. This chilly night was a baby step on the long road to mending my broken heart though at the time I was not cognizant of this subtle change. This was the evening when new things came to me that would fill the space cleared by such a painstaking void.

This night, though Thanksgiving not Christmas, manifested in several gifts that seemed to be created for me and Galaxy. When Genie saw the tambourine that Galaxy had acquired at our horse rescue, she brought out an infant toy version of a tambourine that was far better and designed for a bunny. The tambourine was one of Genie’s daughter’s baby toys and at this time a gift for my Galaxy.

Later that evening the Joshua’s Tree arrived. Joshua’s Tree, and I had connected with him on Facebook, as a long-time friend of Finesse and her family. In my darkest hours of desperately missing Mr. Wonderful another lucky star was not far from me and Galaxy. I asked Finesse about him once I had accepted his friend request and she assured me that he was “one of us” and part of the tribe. Joshua’s Tree arrived with his guitar and Finesse’s mother eagerly anticipated him playing for all of us. Genie turned off the Motown tunes as Joshua’s Tree tuned his guitar.

Joshua’s Tree reminded me of a human sized genome, living inside an old tree, with soulful eyes and a welcoming smile. His clothing was tattered, yet his talent was at such a high-caliber that he played in so many venues. The signature harmonic strums of Joshua’s Tree’s guitar mesmerized Galaxy touching his delicate ears like tiny angels.

Galaxy was on the couch between myself and Moreen and as Galaxy slammed his brand new tambourine in syncopation, as Joshua’s Tree played the song which to this day Galaxy favors. Joshua’s Tree guitar playing puts Galaxy in a trance and he still accompanies Joshua’s Tree on his tambourine to the same song and in the same style.

Before Joshua’s Tree left Genie’s house, a less convenient surprise of nature created a potentially embarrassing situation. I had not had a period for nine months and resigned myself to this stage of life being over permanently. In a moment, I was bleeding and made a beeline for the bathroom before leaving a stain on Genie’s couch. My light-colored pants had a visible stain I had to wash out in the bathroom sink as much as possible. I could feel a cold sting as the water ran pierced the joints of my fingers and the bones of my knuckles. This sensation boosted an unhealthy adrenaline speeding up my heart rate and accentuating the pain I was so desperate to forget. A sharp pain surged through my hands as I grasped my pants and the blood washed down the sink. A bitter, frustrated tear fell from my eye as I tried to breathe through the sharp pains in my chest. Even if the stain did not show, my pants were soaking wet. My house was close, but I was without the mobility to run home and change.

I put the wet pants back on hoping no one would notice and that the dry air of the fire would take care of the problem. As uplifting as this festive night was for all of us, our sudden lack of transportation was still unresolved.

Throughout the evening, I heard talk of a new friend of Peter Pan Finesse referred to as a “guy crush.” It was clear that Peter-Pan was better equipped to replace Mr. Wonderful with another bar buddy, then I was to replace the man who I loved. Peter-Pan ended up on the phone with his new friend, The Joey. After this conversation of which I was paying little attention, Peter Pan announced that the Joey was on his way over, and would give Finesse and Peter Pan a ride home. When I asked about me, Finesse said with full confidence that he would take me home too. Since they lived all the way out in Joshua Tree Park and I was in the opposite direction, it did not seem plausible. Could Peter Pan be friends with someone so kind and charitable?

The Thanksgiving Joey arrived soon after Joshua’s Tree departed. Moreen, Finesse’s mother had also left. I was introduced to the Joey as he walked through Genie’s door and I made a half-hearted gesture from the couch of acknowledgement. “Hi, nice to meet you. This is Galaxy.” The Joey’s eyes widened creating a flicker of hazel and green tones, as he noticed a real live rabbit on my lap seated  atop  the bunny blanket I was using to conceal my still soaking wet pants. “

Oh, hi Galaxy, nice to meet you too.” I could only respond with a poignant distance, given how embarrassing quality of my wet

pastel drawing, house rabbit
Original artwork by Candice Silsby

pants, I was so desperate to keep concealed. I was also too deeply engaged in a multitude of thoughts. I was processing my emotions concerning my admission to Finesse about how much I missed Mr. Wonderful; I had not been sure she would empathize. Her father had passed away and she could not conceive of anything worse; my father had died more than ten years prior and the multitude of circumstances of Mr. Wonderful leaving me was so much more painful.

Shortly after his arrival, the Joey sat on the tile right by the warmth of the fire. He actually had a much longer history with Genie, so he had been invited to the gathering and as it seemed he must have been on the guest list expecting to arrive late. He had a band music, drummer, friends, music, communitysubtlety macabre upbeat demeanor, with a sharp wit that snapped stronger than the crackle coming from the fireplace. He demonstrated his problem-solving skills as he offered ideas and suggestions about the tire on the car while committing himself to helping them once again in the following AM.

To my eye, The Joey looked like a snowboarder warming up by the evening fire in a log cabin wearing thick warm felted wool. I stared at his olive skin tinting from the fire dancing on his face. As an artist I naturally scan people and objects with my eyes until the whole picture is complete and clear in front of me. My investigation revealed his woolen winter clothes with Teva style sandals and no socks. I laughed to myself as I remembered all the times I bundled up for the cool and did not have the energy left to put on socks or wasn’t able to locate a pair of clean ones. I did not resist the urge to comment……

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Wisdom From The Galaxy: Affirmations

Charity begins at home: Treating your partner with respect, dignity, and love is a necessary microcosm of a healthy community. Humanity towards children is the microcosm of building a macrocosm of a new and better world….C.C. Silsbee galaxycloseup

The love of my animals is the love of the infinite spirit world. C. C. Silsbee

Loving my animals is an investment of the infinite spirit world, for which I am a small part….C.C. Silsbee

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