New Blog Addition- Affirmations 3 Days a Week

For the purpose of reader engagement, and to greater fulfill the objectives of my blog, I will be posting relationship and animal inspired affirmations Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Affirmations will be original, written by me and quoted by others. Affirmations will link together with story posts that they apply Temperance & the Devil and Cougar In the Hunt, and upcoming serials. Best of all, I am hoping the comment section will allow for readers to add their own!!

Also, I am trying to develop a realistic and consistent flow of serial blog posts. I have been running into challenges with the emotional upheaval of the stories I am telling, (grief) so I need to slow down a little and begin injecting positives.

This blog is a labor of love, for women over 40 and most especially ANIMALS!

art opening, live music, house bunny, Joshua tree community, romantic evening
Photo courtesy of Vanessa Leigh Hinner a special friend and talented image capturer.


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Cougar in the Hunt 7: Sun to Moon

Sun To Moon

Continuation of Cougar in The Hunt Part 6

The gravitational pull of the moon in the high desert is not only a phenomenal force, but also has a wider reach and greater affect our collective equilibrium. I love to watch the bats in the bluish grey black twilight though fewer turn out when the moon is full. The instincts of bats and other wildlife is a special kind of wisdom.

#menopauseandsexuality #photocollage #cougar #maturity #antipatingoldage
The intense warmth of the cruel light of day, accentuates my age…

The Sunday that marked a week after I had met Mr. Man was a full moon. The day before when I invited him over was the day I opted to jump off the cliff I had been standing on the edge of, departing from the graceful moral code that governs my consciousness. This bizarre moon must have contributed to the gravitational pull Mr. Man caught me in and the events that set my world askew. My physical body took over knowing that all I had to do was say the word and in quick response he would jump to his feet, then dive into my body like an oasis in the middle of a 100-mile radius in the driest season of the high desert.

Sometimes I wish I did not have such an obsession that insist that I analyse everything that I do and torture myself by insisting on being so accountable for my actions. In truth, my actions don’t always make sense, but I can make the choice to avoid the torture often results from misguided choices. Often my actions suggest that I love to tango around the fire, yet somehow avoid the precautions that would prevent me from even minor burns. On the other hand, I need to spare myself from labeling my choices misguided. By some means, the most liberating conclusion is knowing that I can never implicitly trust myself. There are also time when I know I can’t trust myself in any way or to any degree. 

#menopause #farsightedFebruary of this particular year held a special significance. January had been an emotional upheaval. I went mad on many levels and I paid the price with my sanity. Christella has often called our collective attention to “weird energy in the air,” as she is even more sensitive to that which can’t be seen. During January, she repeated this sentiment often. My birthday happens to occur in January and without fail I can count on my family to rise to the occasion and provide an escape. 

This break from my own independent life can take on many forms from distracting me with family sanity and making me appreciate my autonomy to my sister doting over me and my niece just being#menopause #severedepression #crisis #grief #mortality herself which in itself is a cure. I tried to host party with my friends and even posted it on Facebook with not a single RSVP and nothing but groans from the 3 of my fab4 that I can always count on to be there for me when I discussed celebrating at our New Year’s Eve show. My family also did not accommodate a birthday celebration as my sister was suffering the flu.

The monumental pain, paramount to my mental state, was subtle the out-of-nowhere-reappearance, on the internet, of Mr. Wonderful, though Facebook pages were still gone. His cruelty towards me and my complete lack of compassion or acknowledgement of my pain of losing him, left me so hurt, I was making regular trips to the local crisis center. A wonderful, very young, local musician created an event for January birthdays that provided a beautiful entry back to stability. The entire evening was the magical wonder typical of Joshua Tree. Galaxy loved the music and the energy of the event and as always everyone loved him.

While Febuary represented a fresh start and a celebration of friendship and community, I was still shocked, grieving, and heart broken over Mr. Wonderful.

#cougar #Mrs.Robinson #attraction #21 #lust
….my resolve to not be involved with this young man was torn down the moment the palm of his had touched my knee…
#photocollage #diva #Mrs.Robinson #cougar #image #fantasy
Even in the cruel light of day, I could imagine him touching me…

Mr. Man  seated himself on my pointless ornamental ranch style fence, as I took a moment to catch up with my neighbor, who happened to notice him and pointed him out suspiciously. This was a reminder of how obvious it was that he was out of place at my house and in my presence. The casual observer could easily see me as a mature single woman home owner and cast him as an invasive intruder from the damage to his car to his lack of a clean shave or haircut. Mr. Man and I had no more in common then a bird and a fish, yet by a bizarre turn in the cosmic wheel, we were drawn to one another and able to communicate around the vast generation gaps in a unique manner. Mr. Man and I had no more in common then a bird and a fish, yet we’re drawn to one another and able to communicate around the gaps in a unique manner. I had about as much use for him as a fish would a bicycle, but something made me want him near me. Whatever was transpiring and all mutual desires would have to look misshapen to anyone on the outside.

affair, cougar, confusion, temptation, lust, attraction
He stroked my hand with his thumb, periodically…..he traced the contures of my face with his fingertips of his fully developed hand….

As I walked up to him I noticed his prosthetic leg in the light of the afternoon sun, the metallic subtly glistening. I had not asked him
what had happened that he was missing a leg, just as I hadn’t asked about his half arm and half hand. On this bright sunny afternoon, his deformities were more obvious than in the darkness under which we met.

He stood up, in his own unique crooked manner, as I approached him and I tugged his blanket jacket gently as I invited him to see my backyard. The cruel light of day, stood as a beacon as the sky was clear, no clouds to block even a single ray of sun. Every ray of sun would illuminate everything it touched. His high school looking youth was not only out in the open, it was

cougar, affair, lust, infatuation, generation
..with his words, I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in bed with me, or navigate a future encounter….

highlighted by the rays of the sun. His skin had not a single crevice other than subtle evidence of clearing acne, blinding me with the full reality of his youth. I wondered if this same sun, in all her glory, was illuminating the lines in my face in the same blinding manner. There was not a translucent cloak of night creating a magical effect in unison with the pastels and sparkles in my eye makeup, bringing forward a distracting touch of gold in my hazel eyes. As it happened, I was fully raw and exposed, no makeup and full sun exposing every reality before his pensive green eyes.

#cougar #glamourphoto #mrs.robinson #cleavage #phototext #fantasy
I struggle to catch my breath as his graphic words rushed through me…

As I gave him the tour of my back yard I kept my eyes wide open to the visual image of him in the bright sun, standing on one leg against the backdrop of my yard art and equally youthful native plant revival. He stood on the downslope of the edge of my backyard as I stood just above him making me as tall as my high heels had the night I met him. (on level ground, he was still around 5’3” to my 5’7.” Behind him several baby desert willows standing only a few inches tall, either propagated by me or by volunteer seeds. The desert willow I had planted around two years prior was about his height. Other juveniles included my sharp prickly cat’s claw acacia, started from seed, probably as tall as tall as his chest, that had several years ahead before it fills out into a bushel and even more years before forming into a tree. The California buckwheat that I started from seed doubling in size every six months producing flowers was still not a full bushel, but still a drastically larger than the sprout from the tiny seed that volunteered.

Everything in my yard was juvenile and not fully developed. Native plants meant to require almost no water are not yet established

#MojaveAsh-ThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nativebirds, #nesting #wildlifehabitat #animallove
“Each time I posted any animal photos, he was always the first to “like.”

enough to go too long without water and many young trees need a special deep watering system. This fragile young man, with body parts not fully developed, was standing in my yard that began as nothing but dirt and weeds.

The backdrop behind this young man was my yard filled with plant life, also not fully developed, delicate, and in need of special care. More than anything his youth was surreal in the path of the luminous rays of the sun, yet at the same time we were alone in my home with the world on the outside. The inappropriate nature of being intimate with a man of consenting age, yet still too young, was not the only concern I had in my mind. The night we met he had fallen for me so quick and intense. He was swept away and came on so strong. I was not taking this pending encounter seriously or looking to him for a long-term relationship, so I felt obligated to be clear about this before he became too invested. Like my native revival garden, I saw him as fragile, emotionally and physically and my most abiding principle is not committing any action that would harm another person. After my home garden tour, I brought him

cougar, Mrs. Robinson Iconic leg, abstract photo collage, lust, desire, obsession, infatuation, affair, sex, older woman, 21
As the desert night darkened the room, he stared down at me……

into the back room where in preparation for our visit I put pillows and a bean bag chair set up with my television and  “The Graduate” cued. He made himself comfortable which included removing his prosthetic. As he slipped his metallic appendage off I touch his half thigh where it was connected with the prosthetic and said, “what happened here?” He told me about his birth defect, which gave me the full picture of his unusual anatomy, not fully developed in utero. His amputated leg had not fully developed in utero thus he had no bones or muscle mass. His mother was confronted with the decision to have it amputated or have him grow up in a wheelchair. He remarked that he was grateful for her decision. As he spoke of his birth defect, I found myself deep in intense thoughts about his

#MojaveAshThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nightsky #romanticencounter #CaliforniaHi-Desert #relationshipdoubts #love #love'suncertainty #fear
original photo by Candice Silsby

mother relating to her, reminding me that although I was in intimate social proximity with her son, she was the one close to my age and sharing my stage of life. I thought of what it must have been like to make an obvious, yet invasive decision about her infant son. I would have done exactly as she, though it would not have been easy to put my delicate baby through an amputation procedure, inevitably involving anesthesia. While thinking of his mother, I was also looking into his eyes, hearing his words, and a warm response towards him. I was enjoying Mr. Man as a person way beyond what I expected. My only expectation involved an energetic, long-lasting sexual experience distinguished by his youth and especially by his unusual anatomy. Incidentally, as we settled into the comfort of my designated movie watching activity he mentioned, as casual as a comment on the weather, that he was moving to San Diego the following Thursday. His explanation was simply that San Diego offered more employment options than our High Desert. In my relief of being free of any long-term expectation from him, I ignored the fact that suddenly there was an obvious inconsistency with all the devoted promises he made to me, the night we met and even the day before. None of these overtures promising to weed my yard, clean my home, help me repair my sink, and replace my water heater among others, were even feasible given that he was leaving in a matter of days. The fleeting quality of being in the early 20s stage of life was beginning to unearth my own memories. He leaned into the support of the bean bag placing his designated pillow under his head. What was odd was that he did not position himself close #cougar #Mrs.Robinson #lust #infatuation #21 #menopause #singlewomanover40enough to touch me, despite his triumph of having me alone, in such close and even sexually suggestive proximity. The story of his disfigured body and his presence in general was adding warmth back inside my body, reversing the tremendous effort I had made to be stone cold. My body was softened with my heart, keeping a brisk, but steady, pace. I pressed play….

The exciting, suspense, getting hot Cougar In the Hunt Part 8

 The incredibly HOT Ebook also coming soon!! Sign up below #cougar #Mrs.Robinson #sex #lust #singlewomanover40 #menopausefor a reminder email!

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, I have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit
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Cougar in The Hunt Part 6: What’s That You Say Mrs. Robinson?

Continuation of Cougar in the Hunt 5: Cruel Light Of Day

Cougar In the Hunt 6: What’s That You Say Mrs. Robinson

At the time, my mind was opened wide to a new paradigm, when in fact I was descending into a madness I had forgotten

#menopauseandsexuality #photocollage #cougar #maturity #antipatingoldage
The intense warmth of the cruel light of day, accentuates my age…

existed. My sense of adventure has not subsided with age which accounts for so many of my greatest joys, though this same spirit gets me into trouble, creating occasional sorrows.
I let him know, via text message, about my friends branding me as “Mrs. Robinson,” and as I suspected he had not seen or heard of “The Graduate.”
“You will have to show me this film.” Again, even though it was a text message, somehow his eager hope resonated though in the dry desert air. Before long, I was feeding his hope an entire three course gourmet meal. I admit the hypnotic power I had over this young man was exhilarating to all of my senses, casting out all sensibility.
At the time, my mind was opened wide to a new paradigm, when in fact I was descending into a madness I had forgotten existed. My sense of adventure has not subsided with age which accounts for so many of my greatest joys, though this same spirit gets me into trouble, creating occasional sorrows.
I let him know, via text message, about my friends branding me as “Mrs. Robinson,” and as I suspected he had not seen or heard of “The Graduate.”
#cougar #Mrs.Robinson #lust #physicalattraction #desire #21 #menopauseandsexuality #sexandmenopause #sexoilformenopausewomen“You will have to show me this film.” Again, even though it was a text message, somehow his eager hope resonated though in the dry desert air. Before long, I was feeding his hope an entire three course gourmet meal. I admit the hypnotic power I had over this young man was exhilarating to all of my senses, casting out all sensibility.

“I own a copy of it. Why don’t you come over here to watch it with me?”
Text messages may be impersonal, but his reaction as he told me he was available anytime, any day, whenever and whatever I wanted was clear and somehow swept through me.
For purposes of good measure I warned him of the shocking disaster my home is, due to physical disability and jumping through hoops for welfare assistance.
“If your house was a landfill, it would never change how I see you…” He sent a couple additional text messages with bloated overtures about helping me around my house, as he had done the night I met him. I didn’t take these gestures seriously, but I did realize that deep down I really wished that he was telling the truth or at least had honest intentions of committing himself to complete servitude towards me.
The dialogue with myself swirled around my mind and went something like collage blending portraits, virgin marry pose, vixen pose
Me: What am I doing?
Me2: Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the ride.
Me: He is only 21; just because he wants me, does this mean I have to lose my better judgement?
Me2: If no one gets hurt where is the harm?
Me: I can’t be serious about a 21-year-old; inevitably he will start to annoy me at some point.
Me2: Be honest, not serious……..I am so tired of being sensible. I need a break from sensible.
This particular dialogue went in circles and it remained in the back of my mind while the front of my mind was busy chasing fruitless distractions. The only place I am able to lose myself was in my work, but I can’t write around the clock, though I have tried.

cougar, affair, lust, infatuation, generation
..with his words, I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in bed with me, or navigate a future encounter….

I was aware of the thick grey haze cloaking my sensibility. Clearly, I genuinely liked this young man and had no denial of the age gap. I was aware that there was no future, which I now realize was more of a safety net than it was a risk. Above all, I did not need this encounter, but I desired it like a chill desire warmth, a fire yearns for water, like the Eucharist is naturally followed by a sip of wine, like my hot flashes ache for the cool breeze.
The events of the night I met him came to mind and his sharp words of desire pierces through my chest and stomach, longing for a release and so invited him to my home. The agenda included watching “The Graduate,” I would know that I made every effort to discourage him from persisting with his desired conquest.

I was already too far out to sea to fight the rip current pulling me further. The only option was to ride the wave and let surrender to the adrenaline pleasure awaiting me, set to arrive at my front door beckoning for entry like a tomcat following a scent.#Mrs.Robinson #photocollage #cougar #lust #sex #affair #attraction #infatuation #fantasy
That evening I was privileged to a wonderful diversion that served to place my feet on the ground and savor the mystic quality of the desert nights. Magical nights in the desert are plentiful though each has a unique quality. A property with all the odd artistic quality of the high desert had just been purchased, so we all were invited to the house-warming. I brought Finesse there where we met up with the rest of the pack. I candidly told Finesse about the date I had set for the following day. The fun she was having, calling me Mrs. Robinson and Cougar had not lost its novelty. When we discreetly mentioned my plans for the next day to Christella and Trichelle, J.P. Trichelle’s partner surprised us by saying out loud “You are talking about D.D.’s new young boyfriend” We laughed so hard we got stomach cramps and struggled for breath. I could not see with clarity what was ahead, but I could see how open-minded and accepting my friends are. The freedom of the desert was alive and well. While I didn’t see a future with Mr. Man, my friends had welcomed him into our circles and joked about it, indicative of not judging me for the bizarre connection obvious to everyone around.
Galaxy is the first indicator of entering a wonderful place. The property the Lours acquired had so much for the senses to enjoy, with characteristic quirks of the Hi-Desert. Everyone there was in great energetic spirit and there was cleaver yard art all around us. Above all, if Galaxy enjoys an environment, there is no better confirmation that I am exactly where I want to be. Galaxy was greeted by folks familiar to him and as always attracted new acquaintances. His presence made for lively

#vixen #cougar #21 #youngman #affair #infatuation #deception #lust #sex #encounter
Fantasies about the potential adventure of his unusual anatomy would be creeping into my thoughts.
#cougar #glamourphoto #mrs.robinson #cleavage #phototext #fantasy
when I mentioned that I have never been able to take a sexy erotic photo, both ladies took this as a challenge….

conversation and there was live music for him that was pleasing to his rabbit ears. Mr. Man was tickling the back of my mind, but I was still clear and present in each moment. Mr. Man had been eager to meet Galaxy.
One of Galaxy’s many fans said something so golden that we all pondered. She referred to his “good” eye as seeing this world and his blind eye seeing other outer worlds. In this beautiful moment one of the many fabulous people of Joshua Tree gave Galaxy his very own mythology, which gives special insight to the intangible effect he has on people. I was grounded in a way that I needed, yet still lurking in the sky with this magical revelation. It was clear that all events in my life, any direction I take is sanctioned by this beautiful, delicate creature who I can wear on my chest in a baby sling, yet his spirit is that of the infinite galaxy.
My engaging conversations, with so many interesting folks, I had not been well acquainted with prior, caused me to lose sight of my pack altogether. I phoned Trichelle who said they hadn’t been able to find me and to come to J&P for our after hours gathering. The housewarming was winding down so Galaxy and I said our goodbyes and we went to J&Ps.
Living without focal points in the desert, one has to create their own and integrate them into life. This takes considerable effort though our Fab4 is my strongest focal point. This was heavy on my mind this entire evening and I felt an overwhelming contentment. January had been so difficult and unsteady, but I was where I needed to be and I did not have an overwhelming number of troubling questions outside myself, which gave me a content feeling. We took wonderful pictures that give a compelling visual of this paradigm. 
Christella left before Finesse’s friend from the college arrived to join us. I had not met this woman, but apparently she dominates male attention, which Finesse hates and complains about at length. Finesse was used to this attention being solely one on her. I was glad for Christella, the eldest of us, to have left as Finesse’s friend Raquel ended up inspiring a bizarre female on female sexualizing. Trichele had been drinking enough to tear down all inhibitions and could not keep her hands out of Raquel’s significantly large bra. Between this woman and Finesse, I felt like a B cup, even though I am a D. Finesse takes great photos as does Raquel, so when I mentioned that I have never been able to take a sexy erotic photo without looking
goofy and clown like, both ladies took this as a challenge.

#photocollage #diva #Mrs.Robinson #cougar #image #fantasy
I looked great in several photos at forty-eight…….

Challenge attempted and far exceeded even my wild imagination. It was around 1:30 pm and Finesse wanted to send the two best photos to Mr. Man. I didn’t protest given the alcohol still working its way through my bloodstream. Also curious to me was what his reaction would be. She said, as commentary, ‘…I took these …I thought you would like them.’ He responded with a text to Finesse right away. In a circular laugh, she showed the text to me. “Thank you. I DO like these. I LIKE them A LOT.” Our squeals and laughter made me wonder if we had taken a trip back to a sorority or teenage slumber party, but I did care, I was having fun. In the course of about ten minutes Finesse managed to take exotic photos of me where I looked like a woman and not a clown, I looked great in several photos at forty-eight, and said photos were ensuring a restful sleep for a young fella less than half my age. 

#cougar #Mrs.Robinson #attraction #21 #lust
My body was fully cognizant of how his hand briefly making contact with my knee effected me…

I am not sure what being an object of a very young man’s desire was feeding inside me, I could only feel the rush through my body, as I looked at the same site where he and I sat together and how he touched my knee. Swirling through my mind was the profound effect this fleeting moment had on me. A simple placement of his hand created a sudden turn in the tide that swept me into the deep-sea, instead of safely on the shore.

When I woke up the next day, as expected, I found a message from him asking if we were still getting together. He was like a kid on Christmas morning, afraid that maybe Santa skipped his over his house or that his fondest wishes were promised struggling to keep his eyes closed in REM sleep. When I responded with a yes, he went on to tell me how much he was looking forward to coming to my house. My own mental energy was focused on anticipating inevitable physical advances from him. Even if they were merely verbal advances, having me alone, they would be bolder than the hours after we met. There was no doubt in my mind what my body wanted though judgement was confronting me the entire morning.

I prepared a “cozy” spot in a back room of my house that I have been using as a tentative storage area. I brought in a TV with #virtue #faith #wisdom #morals #decorum #woman #maturnity #aspiringtogreatness VCR, bean bag chair and pillows. The signals of a physical intimacy I had just situated shined a beacon of light and I could not help asking myself what I was doing and why was I allowing this to happen? I had to think about what I was setting myself up to encounter. His hopes of a passionate encounter were abundantly clear; I knew what I wanted, but I have also lived long enough to be aware of the reasons why we don’t always get what we want. (Mick Jagger was inspired by this realization he wrote a song) I was also aware that whatever signals were readable in the environment in all respects I had the upper hand, not just because he was helplessly taken by me, but it was also my house.

All through my haptic guest preparations, I felt nervous and excited at the same time. My body was fully cognizant of how his hand briefly making contact with my knee effected me, and in a just a couple of hours both his hands could be touching my entire body by a simple matter of my making this choice. The heavy adrenaline circled through my body like a plane waiting for landing stripe clearance. The movements of my body, the desert weather, and my routine erratic hot flashes made my whole person feel like I had just stepped out of a steam room. I was so drenched by the time I was done, I had to change clothes.

I had set up a hospitable environment for watching a movie and “hanging out.” It was still my home. The decision about where to entertain this guest was intentional and calculated. I did not wish to bring him into the parts of my house I use often and entertain regular visitors. The most telling choice was not bringing him into my bedroom as this would be over an ambiguous line. Whatever happened between us, by some motivation, I made sure not to commingle with my daily life and what is most important to me.

In the midst of all this preparation, a reality regarding my age crept up on me. The reminder came through the sweat of my routine afternoon hot flash. How would sex even be possible? I did not have the essential menopause sex supply. At this point, began imagining myself sending him to Wal-mart, in the heat of passion, scrambling through the aisles, naïve to his given assignment. The picture of a 21-year-old guy fumbling the aisles for menopause sex aides was priceless! I didn’t have time to make the trip myself and I had not answered any of the many questions running through my overwhelmed active mind.

When it came time for his arrival, I busied myself with outdoor chores the way I do when I am expecting company. He sent a text message that he was running late, which gave me more time to reflect on the texting dialogue of the day before.

My face would be seen by him in the cruel light of day, making all signs of age visible. The silver quality of my grey hairs would be illuminated, glistening in the sun’s rays and my the crevices of my wrinkles would not be veiled in the romantically translucent blackened colors of the night. Would he see them? What does this young person see and how does this vision translate into sexual desires? I had no need for the validation, yet the circumstances were fascinating. At 21, I had nothing but an aversion to anyone my age or even 40 or older.

#Mrs.Robinson #cougar #cub #lust

My menopausal circumstances would also come to light and define my age. In our text conversation the day before, when i alluded to the light of day showing my age, he responded with expected naiveté, “age is just a number” I could write pages and speak about all the flaws in this clique. If he doubled his life, it still would not equal mine, yet I was his age once and all the ages after up until the present. I said this often when I was 21, thinking myself enlightened, through the years to follow would prove this false over and over.

He said something wise, which constituted a classic theme. Amid the declarations of my mesmerizing beauty over and above all other women, he said via text “…Maturity is sexy, like you. Immaturity is a burden..” He was right.

Just as he arrived, my neighbor stopped her car in front of my house and since I hadn’t spoken with her in a while, so I made him wait….

Cougar in the Hunt Part 7: Sun to Moon: 

 Ebook pending..

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, I have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit
Introduce yourself!


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Temperance & The Devil Part 6: Ambivlance

Continuation of Temperance & the Devil Part 5 

#MojaveAsh-ThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nativebirds, #nesting #wildlifehabitat #animallove
Each time I posted any animal photos, he was always the first to “like.” Original Photo by Candice Silsby

The natural world in the high desert expands all around the community that it surrounds. A joyous event occurred that thanks to the Facebook memory tracker happens the same time each year. The Mojave Desert Ash-Throated Fly-catcher, the previous year had nested in the Joshua Tree in my front yard. It was magical watching each stage from the building of the nest to the hatching of the chicks to the chicks leaving the nest. I documented all of it with photos and video. This occurrence had been a joy and a comfort enough to defeat every sorrow plaguing my everyday life and motivation. I would jump up out of bed first thing in the morning to go outside with a camera and take pleasure in their chirping and feeding. The chicks arrived about a week before the defining night of Mr. wonderful and myself. I posted photos of every stage, on a daily basis which was always followed by a “Like” click from Mr. Wonderful. 

#MojaveAshThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nightsky #romanticencounter #CaliforniaHi-Desert #relationshipdoubts #love #love'suncertainty #fear
original photo by Candice Silsby

As he drove away, I let myself into my house and was greeted by my earthen angel Galaxy. My questions and confusion would be settled a little as I lost myself in loving and caring for him. Even with the message from Mr. Wonderful that he was home sleep would be intercepted by my racing thought.
The next morning, after the unexpected evening with Mr. Wonderful, was Sunday. I wanted to chat with him on Facebook, I supposed, to extend the intimacy of the previous night, follow-up on this new relationship. Based on my experience I may have also needed validation. I did have to pause, to ask if it was too soon and would I look too eager. I went ahead and received the warmest reception from him. This chat lasted for a couple of hours and was really nice as we actually became better acquainted. He was earnest, sincere, and enthusiastic it seemed, He sent me Facebook stickers during our back and forth. Everything should have been just right with a positive good start.

In situations where my heart is either on a bed of roses or a chopping block, I become confused. The beginning stage of relationships is something I have little to no skill; over my significant years I have rarely practiced the beginning stage as I either have a fling with someone or dive right into the relationship skipping the beginning stages.

At this point, it had been five years, and that relationship had been 7.5 years. That relationship was in a class by itself because we had already known each other for nearly 20 years. I had never intended it to last as for that many years. It was supposed to be a superficial, short-lived casual thing, but instead of it superficial-casual-long-term.

Over the years I have also struggled with an impulse to find problems and react to fear when a relationship begins, which is how I have come this far having few experiences with the initial relationship stages.

My head and my heart conjured up a conflict in a large cauldron with a giant spoon stirring all the elements into a whirlpool. This soup simmered as I stirred, between Sunday morning when we had our nice Facebook chat and Monday morning. Part of the recipe was a logical and legitimate concern that terrified me so much, the adrenaline required to face it also exacerbated the conflict and terror inside me.

animal medicine, animal spirit, the universe, companion animals, astronomy, stars, desert skyI loved the way Mr. Wonderful made me feel and at the same time he was fresh out of a relationship and I was afraid of being a rebound relationship to him. I was petrified of opening my heart just to find he did not have any real feelings for me. I didn’t want to but I felt I needed to put a stop to what was happening. I had to be strong and resist him and put a stop to what was transpiring.

I excused myself from our Sunday am Facebook dialogue several times, yet we still kept Facebook chat messaging, off and on for several hours until Finesse came for me. We went to visit her mother’s shop and later to a Tibetan bowls gathering at Bobby’s Wonderland. Mr. Wonderful had RSVP for it, though he did not attend. He was, however, there with me via Facebook likes and comments. We took photos of Galaxy that he clearly enjoyed seeing. I felt like a part of him was there with us.

The Tibetan bowls gathering was yet another magical wonder that is characteristic of Joshua Tree. During the bowl players break, the player made a beeline for Galaxy the moment he noticed him. He greeted and petted Galaxy warmly, asked me if he needed anything, and even suggested a spot where he would be most comfortable. The reception was comparable to what a little Buddha Prince would receive. We did choose a suggested spot that Galaxy indeed loved as it was very close to the bowls and Galaxy was hypnotised by the mesmerizing melodic echo of the bowls. For me, I was able to quiet my mind to a certain degree.

I had been going back and forth all day about my fears of being a rebound relationship and the love I felt for him. Honestly, I did not know what to do about the idea of either scenario, both of which scared me.

He message me when I returned home, eagerly greeting me with a sticker of two foxes doing the Tango with hearts all around. My heart could feel such an intense tingle for a moment, as I told myself I had to discourage him.

I typed out, I have to tell you something and. I really don’t want to do so like this….

Mr. Wonderful: Yes what’s the matter ?

Me: Again would rather not say like this and REALLY don’t want to have to…

Mr. Wonderful

Did I do something?

I understand but now I am worried   


No….We can’t do this, whatever this is

Mr. Wonderful



U and me, that is what….too soon for you….

Mr. Wonderful: You don’t want to be romantically involved with me?

Me: I do 

I REALLY do, but not as a rebound…

Mr. Wonderful

#fearinlove #love #ghostsofthepast
I had been going back and forth all day about my fears of being a rebound relationship and the love I felt for him.


Me: Just to be clear i do want involvement….just can’t…What r u agreeing with?

Mr. Wonderful:

That I too do not want a rebound relationship and I don’t feel there is a rebound here because My relationship with her has been over for some time…..

How could someone, 58 years old, used to long-term relationships possibly say that their relationship had been over for some time? This was indeed another red flag, though at the time I wasn’t sure if it was just a different perception. I asked him how long it had been, in case my information was inaccurate. He told me December, making the time only five months, so I replied:

Me: Not enough time……We can’t do this, I can’t be a rebound relationship.

Temperance & The Devil 7


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Temperance & The Devil Part 5: Galaxy Spell

This is the continuing story of Temperance and the Devil Part 4

Temperance and the Devil 5: Galaxy Spell Part 1

The hi-desert has known vortices, physical locations with intense energy. These vortices are not far from my house or my normal routine. The hi-desert cast a spell all its own; a simple evening outdoors, watching the bats come out to catch insects and grace the already spectacular sky has magical mystical powers. A local concert inspires and spontaneous love fests with old friends, folks from out-of-town, and new residents. Mr. Wonderful cast a spell while being spell-bound. The thoughtful, logical, and reasonable speech I carefully sketched out in my head disintegrated in the desert’s night air, overpowering my iron will. His words washed over me like the many starry nights I surrendered my will to and so was my surrender to his hopeful question.

passion, coupling, new relationship, love, the universe, starry night, astronomy, clear night, high desert, Joshua tree, native bird nest
.…I was fast ascending into one of many unknown outer worlds…..
dating attraction, first kiss, love spell
Mr. Wonderful cast a spell while being spell-bound.

“Can I kiss you?” 

I was supposed to have an answer, but I was unable to speechless. I was also supposed to have a speech, but my oration skills were silenced in the spell of the desert night and she coaxed me back to my heart. His tone had that same kid-on christmas-morning blissfully hoping for the shiny new bike. There was also an exhaustion reverberating through his words, begging me to give in to him. All I could do was look down and give way to the weight of my body being swept away by every force around me; his hopeful words, the beautiful, magical night, his kindness, his gentle heart, his gentle soul, and the part of my heart that had been dormant for five-year that I wasn’t sure it still existed….

My tongue was momentarily disabled to answer his gallant request, as it was longing to wrap around his. Somehow, without a word from me, he had the answer he needed. Before I fell into a faint, his arms wrapped around me, as his lips procured perfect contact with mine and once again I was standing tall. In the back of my mind, I cursed the incredible sensations swimming through my body like tadpoles traveling upstream, I was having, since I had been determined to slow down the passion between us. The rest of my mind, my heart, my soul, and my fully engaged body surrendering and even igniting our passion which was escalating as we kissed. The smooth fabric of his shirt tickled my palms, as my hands traveled up his back as I gripped tighter.

I paused to take a breath and with abandon, his sweet lips made contact with the side of my neck. At this point, I didn’t want to stop and my better judgement was eclipsed by the magic of these moments gently taking us on a trip through the cosmos, even if our feet had been touching the ground. I renewed contact with his mouth and tongue leaning my head to the side that is comfortable for my neck pain.

Still holding each other tight, we once again stopped for air as if the intensity would trap us in a desert vortex. I momentarily lost my balance and as he gently held my waist to steady my stance as he

#photocollage #relationships #love #goodnightkiss #desertsky #high-desert
The wonder of this moment was too precious to squander….

said, “Are you okay?” for which I responded, “Yes, it has been a long time.” Given his circumstances of which I was cautiously aware, he had a strange response, “Me too.” As beautiful as I felt, his whispering declaration, “me too” brought a small portion my sensibilities back to the ground. He was 58, so how could he believe that six months constituted a long-time? The wonder of this moment was too precious to squander while at the same time, my mind had much to process. We proceeded to make-out, for a while longer, in between tight embraces. He gripped my bottom, briefly, and did the same with my breast above, as if he was performing a finale to a show with a cliffhanger. He refrained from sliding his hand under my clothes since doing this would have made it impossible to stop. His struggle to stay in control was as endearing and sexy as his heart and soul.

I am not sure if we said goodnight or if it was implied, but as he selected the right key to unlock the car with both hands, he revealed the tremor his entire body was experiencing. In my moment of flattery, I said, “Please let me know you made it home safe” A subtle wave of confusion washed over me, as I wondered in my mind what was next. My impulse to analyse and discuss what had just happened made a momentary trip through my mind, but my heart was savoring the precious moments we had just shared quieting all impulses to over-think. This was an intense sensation my heart could not sacrifice to logic. I was swimming in the crystalline waters of love, but the bread crumbs and stones I dropped, to find my way back, were swept out to sea beyond my grasp.

Temperance & The Devil 6: Ambivalence

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House rabbits, animal wisdom, spirit animals
When my mind races too fast, loving and caring for Galaxy eases my rapid heart beat….

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.
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Cougar In The Hunt 5: Cruel Light of Day

This is the continue story of Cougar in the Hunt Story Part 4 Here’s To You Mrs. Robinson

Cougar in the Hunt: Cruel Light of Day

For many reasons, there are numerous residents who are desperate to leave the desert. Up here, many consider a move down the hill to be a long-term goal, a step up, and an aspiration. If all else fails, these desert residents will descend into madness and are forced to disappear. Those who fall into the category of leaving by means of insanity, often have a bungee around one leg so they can recoil back in case the madness subsides.

affair, cougar, 21, transition, reflection, regret, denial, infatuation, conquest, lust
Anywhere else in the world, a 21-year-old amputee would not just appear out of nowhere….

The high-desert landscape makes it difficult to maintain a sense of boundaries because there are no lines of demarcation. The land, stretches out further than the eye can see to meet the infinite by day and by night. The power of the sky takes on many lives, often in the course of only one day. There is no beginning and no end, no boundaries, no outlines, nothing to define what is so infinite. This impresses and delights visitors; if you don’t live here, the lack of focal points and contour lines is infinite freedom. Cacti notwithstanding, it is possible to run for miles without stopping. For folks who live here, this feels wonderful until the wonder is out of reach, and in the desert that reach can go anywhere or nowhere.

I met Mr. Man on Valentine’s Day, while in January I was descending into madness desperate for an anchor. By February I was recovering from the crisis, making every effort to create imaginary lines of demarcation. The anchor that helps me to stand on such shaky ground is my friendship. Since these same friends may go mad at any time, my constant and only focal point is caring for my bunny and allowing his beauty and splendor to wash over my broken heart.

It is this very spell of the desert and the vast expanse of land and the infinite sky that spills from the natural world into our daily lives. and daily lives. A 21-year-old giving me this kind of attention would never live and thrive, outside the desert, through an entire evening then into the morning and through the next day. Anywhere else in the world, a 21-year-old amputee would not just appear out of nowhere, as my friend’s suitor’s friend. Every twist and turn of events would have dead ended had the evening taken place elsewhere.

photo collage blending portraits, virgin marry pose, vixen pose

Once the dust settled from the drama of Fineness running away for a day, I fully let the cruel light of day fill my home and my person. I had to get these lust filled sensations out of my mind and body. There was no way this would happen. As tempting as it was to be worshiped so poignantly, I had to be responsible and make sure that my secret desires did not prey upon this vulnerable delicate young heart. I had to stand firm in my principles of ensuring that my actions don’t cause harm to others. Even if he was of consenting age I still needed to be responsible, I told myself whenever the temptations crept into my body.

was not tempted by validation, since I know that my looks are not lost as I age. Despite frequent subtle reminders that I am no longer 20, I never pretend I am still 20. When I look through photos of myself in my early 20s all I see is clueless abandon, whereas the vision I now see in the mirror is the same beauty but with conviction, certainly, and experience. The image of the present has far more appeal.

Despite my convictions, the passion in his pursuit was seared in my mind and transforming into fantasies that in the cruel light of day were easy to dodge. Escape was not so easy at night, when the world goes quiet, as outer forces take over and erotically dance in my head, like artistic avant guard porn. Curiosity was doing its part and drawing in my sense of adventure and desire to try something new.

At the same time, I had to be strong and able to dissuade him since not only was I decades older, the gap between the stage of life at  21 and at 48 is too wide. There is nothing similar about these life stages. Had he been 31 and I 58, I wouldn’t have jumped into intimacy immediately as he wanted, though I would not have dismissed the idea. Even though he was not real sophisticated or educated, he had quickness that compelled me. I imagined his negotiating my explanations for rejecting him, which had the potential to wear me down to submission.

I sent him a text message that read something like “…I apologize for being caught off guard the other night; I need to let you know that there is no way you and I are going to become involved and I was back into a corner with your presumption of physical intimacy.” It was harsh, which as it turns out, did not work in my favor. After I sent it, I worried that I may have been too harsh.

He responded minutes later with something like “…I really do appreciate your honesty” Mmmm, I didn’t expect a mature response. I sent a text message back with a reference to seeing clearly in “the cruel light of day.” and he answered back with a yes Ma’am.

#vixen #cougar #21 #youngman #affair #infatuation #deception #lust #sex #encounter
Fantasies about the potential adventure of his unusual anatomy would be creeping into my thoughts.

While I reinvented the Dear john letter in a text, I was not able to make this strange attraction go away as I had expected. After rejecting him with brutal poignant honesty, he was still on my mind. Fantasies about the potential adventure of his unusual anatomy would be creeping into my thoughts. It didn’t seem like he was looking for a surrogate mother since he talked about her in a way that indicated a positive relationship. It was clear that the two of us had nothing in common, yet the differences were interesting to me. I knew better than to look to him for any kind of serious long-term, but the idea of a short-lived fling invaded my reasoning. The idea of a whole new anatomical sex experience was an overwhelming temptation fueled by my sense of adventure and lack of inhibitions.

I was sure I had been too harsh and reasoned that I didn’t need to cast him out entirely and why not keep the lines of communication open? So I reached out and extended an open-ended invitation for coffee at my place for which he said he would contact me if he was in my area. He responded by saying that if he was in my part of town he would let me know.

A few days later, I found myself in dialogue with him via text message. I exchanged texts with him while working, on and off for an entire day. I asked myself why I was doing this and did not have an answer to give myself. I was still on the edge of the cliff and the ground was still crumbling. 

#cougar #Mrs.Robinson #lust #infatuated21yearold #affair
The subtle bit of hope I gave him, set him on a fast paced high-speed chase…..

During our text dialogue, there was no attempt on his part at flirtation, suggestion, or trying to negotiate the boundary I put in place. I wondered if I was giving him mixed messages, since my communication was inconsistent and my ambivalence was touching every part of me.

After several hours of this back and forth typing, he put a toe in the water to engage me in flirtation, though it was after I accidentally gave him an opening. I referred to myself as a blunt, straightforward vixen, not afraid to speak her mind, for which he responded

“WOW, we are going to get along REALLY well” The hopeful beta test quality of this message touched me, even if it was a bit presumptuous.

“I am starting to be open to this possibility” He must have seen this as a neon green light indicator that convinced him that he would get his way. It is amazing what one believes when they really want something, as I thought I was being vague.

“Why the change of heart?” I wasn’t aware that I had changed my heart, but I didn’t discourage his assumption or hope. I was honestly tired of fighting him and what my body wanted.

“Well, I needed a chance to think it over, as I explained I strive not to be impetuous.” I listed a few reasons, one text for each including “Heart being the operative word, my heart is very broken” He responded with his version of wisdom, but in doing so he simply showed his age and lack of experience. My last reason was “The cardinal rule of my spirituality is not to harm anyone.” This turned into a discussion about pagan philosophy, or more accurately described, my explaining witchcraft, debunking all of his prior misconceptions. His willingness to learn from me was endearing.

The subtle bit of hope I gave him, set him on a fast paced high-speed chase for me all via text messages. Everything we texted about came back to overt flirtation from him or an opportunity gush about how incredibly beautiful I am. He was faster than a juvenile jack rabbit and as such he outran any discretion I may have had left somewhere in my mind, where I was still engaged in a faint dialogue.

Cougar in the Hunt Part 6: What’s That You Say Mrs. Robinson

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, I have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit
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Temperance & The Devil Part 4: Galaxy Spell

The Continuation story of Temperance and The Devil Part 3

Temperance and The Devil Part 4: Galaxy Spell 

first kiss, dating, attraction, falling in love, romantic night, desert night sky
….suddenly, the weight of my body was gone as if I was ascending into one of many unknown outer worlds, completely unafraid of where I was going….

As Mr. Wonderful drove us off the dirt road away from Melanie’s house I felt like being quiet, so I did not speak. I reasoned that he needed to see that I was not always chatty and prone to silences. I was experiencing a trance from the way he had been looking at me all night and every attempt he made to pursue me. More than anything I was deep in sentiment about what had happened, while entranced by what was happening, and above all anticipating all that could happen upon arrival to my house. The inevitable goodnight kiss awaiting me was dominating my thoughts, swirling around in my mind, as I struggled to steady my trembling body. My lips tingled as I thought about his mouth opening to mine. I was fully aware of how much I wanted it and I also knew that this was happening too fast and too soon. I had no choice other than to put up a gentle but firm cautionary road block.

Milky way, star gazing, romance, love, falling in love, goodnight kiss, passion
…It felt like the entire universe, the night sky, and the desert landscape was creating a magical atmosphere in honor of us….


Still under the inexplicable spell of the hi-desert night, I wanted to stay silent, which is not an attribute characteristic of me. I took advantage of the fact that I was in the mood to quiet, despite everything I was thinking. For some reason, I wanted him to experience this more mysterious side of my demeanor, even if I show this side infrequently. As he drove us along the remote road, as if the road and the night sky belong only to us, I noticed that he could not stop moving his right hand along the outside of his leg. I could only hear a faint sound of his hand scraping on his jeans in the silence that lingered between the two of us, though not too audible over my car’s engine. I stared at his hand moving back and forth. Had the night sky of the desert not been so powerful to all of my senses, I may have given in to the impulse to reach out and grab his hand and hold it so he would stop.

first kiss, dating, attraction, falling in love, romantic night, desert night sky
Suddenly, the weight of my body was gone as if I was ascending into one of many unknown outer worlds, completely unafraid of where I was going.

He was the one to break the silence which I was actually enjoying, given that the intense energy between us was enough volume.

“…So, do you work?”

This was not a complicated question, yet instead of simply giving him an answer, I responded with a nervous laugh. For me, it was an odd question with no context or conversational thread. I began my answer with something like “A little out of the woodwork….” But I cut myself off given that I didn’t want to work too hard, given how intense the stirrings inside me were affecting me and the rapid beat of my heart making it difficult to even laugh.

“Well I was injured years ago, so I have been freelance writing online.” I told him that I had been writing online and that my dream career is puppetry but the puppets I made were destroyed in the fire. I cut myself off again given how hard this situation is for me.

The next topic of conversation was natural, as I became aware of the fact that we had been driving on the same road, Aberdeen, for too long. Mr. Wonderful missed the turn to my house. He softly explained that we would be turning on Border, which happened to be close to where he lived. He subtly mentioned that he had missed the correct turn because I think he was a little embarrassed and wanted me to know only that he was in control of the situation. He went on to say that turning on Border would take us into Joshua Tree.

“Oh, so we are making a circle and will double back to my place.”

“Right” I was glad to let him off the hook, even if I was aware that he missed the turn, because he was distracted by me, so I allowed the flattery to sink into my heart amid all the feelings, emotions, and sensations ever-present. While driving through Joshua Tree I noticed police cars in one of the gas stations which is not unusual at the hour of the

date, love, attraction, night sky, magic of the galaxy
“What exactly is the attraction?’ I asked as he stroked me in all the right places with his fingertips…….

night we were cruising through town. What struck me as odd was that he quickly rubber necked with wide eyes, not like the eyes that looked at me; this was scrutiny and suspicion, but above all the look on his face and in his eyes was really odd. He had not been drinking, so he had no real reason to be concerned about a police presence especially one focused elsewhere. I dismissed this oddity as the normal caution everyone experiences when they see police officers. The truth is that not only was my trust for him implicit, it never occurred to me not to trust him. Mr. Wonderful, per my instructions pulled up and parked my car in front of my house, since his car was in the driveway. As we opened our doors the desert’s magic was felt with full magnetic charge. Suddenly, the weight of my body was gone as if I was ascending into one of many unknown outer worlds, completely unafraid of where I was going. The colors of the night spread infinitely, vibrant and beautiful with my senses fully engaged, affecting a full body euphoria. Magic was in the air generated by the night sky, but the charge between us added to the overall intensity. Both Mr. Wonderful and I moved slowly, as if to savor every moment. He lingered at the back of my car where we naturally met, handing me my keys waiting for my signals to provide a beacon to guide his desires to my shores. I subtly signaled him towards the line of vision of the bird’s nest in the Joshua Tree that stands at the edge of my yard, along my driveway, which just happened to usher him closer to me. He was genuinely interested in the baby birds and the nest; I would later find out his magical night vision for desert wildlife, so sharp and defiant to any mortal’s natural senses. At the same time, it was an opportunity to position himself closer to me. One of the reasons I was quiet and reflective on the ride home was because knowing there would be a goodnight kiss with a passionate embrace our chest’s rubbing up against each other intermittently tapped by the beating of each of our hearts. His pelvis would be fighting to merge with mine, inevitably touching, despite attempts at self-control, our heads in dialogue with our hearts; our heads trying to convince our hearts to resist carnal desires. Knowing this inevitability, I formulated an intelligent and logical verbal halt to the physical passion inviting me so near to him. The mysterious vortex of the desert, in actual proximity to our physical placement, at this time, was pulling me far away from any sensibility. My mind was trying to stay attached to practical reality, but the vortex, the romantic intoxicating desert night sky, and the energy between us was a stronger pull on my soul and body. We walked slowly to the side of his car both of us lingering in the wonder that was casting its own spell; the magic of the desert and the magic of us. As we stopped at his car, I suddenly felt my feet firm and planted on the ground for the first time all night. My spirit was in a whirlwind as my body naturally stood before him fully aware of where I was and what was happening. His voice caused a subtle vibration through my chest as he asked “Can I kiss you?”

Temperance and the Devil Part 5 

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Cougar Part 4: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson

Continuation of previous post Cougar in the Hunt Part 3: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson

cougar, lust, Mrs. Robinson leg, 21, older woman, younger man, lust, sex, attraction, one-night-stand, affair
As soon as the words came out, I realized what I had said and when I asked myself why I had made this gesture, I did not have an answer.

I have drawn the fool card so many times in my life; the first tarot card ever drawn on my behalf was the Fool, though it was not the first time I was dealt the fool. The Fool card is not necessarily attributed to the foolish qualities we associate with people who make poor choices or the naiveté understandable in youth. Did I draw the fool card that fateful moment Mr. Man’s hand made contact with my knee? 

It would seem that I did, but at the time I was certain Mr. Man had drawn the fool card. After all, he was hypnotised, taken in by my unintended prowess, exaggerated and romanticized by his lack of life experience. I was so cautious of his natural fool stage of life, afraid of him falling over the cliff, I did not realize I was the one on the edge of the cliff as the true fool.

The cougar mythology was never curious or tempting to me, or my paradigm. I don’t enjoy the company of kids in their early 20s. My ego doesn’t crave validation that I look younger than my age; when I look in the mirror it is clear that age has only created subtle changes, which I attribute only to hereditary, not luck or some magic-potion-cosmetic concoction designed to make money from women afraid to grow old. My attraction to Mr. Man, even mixed with repulsion, was a feeling, and had nothing to do with defying my age. I never feel the need to convince myself that I am like a woman in her early 20s; what I experience is my real biological age. My encounter with Mr. Man revealed an additional curiosity. Why would any mature, accomplished woman want to relive her tumultuous youth?

As the gathering at J&P’s was winding down, from a collective cognizant of the impending dawn, Mr. Man said with a tone of confusion and worry, “Oh no! I just realized something. My car is at the bar!”“Yes, you came in my car and as such I will take you back,” I replied.

“Okay” he responded with relief and I wondered what would make him feel stranded all of a sudden.

I was not going to leave without making sure that Vanessa had a safe ride home. I wasn’t entirely sure if she wanted to go home with Tin-Man, though I did know Tin-Man was determined to take her home with him. I inquired with Tricia, a few times and since I didn’t have enough gas, Tricia said she would make sure Finesse made it back home. As we said goodbye,Tricia let me know that Finesse decided to go home with Tin-Man. The four of us piled into my car, Finesse and Tin-Man in the back seat, Mr. Man and I in the front, me at the wheel, this time around.

As we reached the parking lot, still affected by alcohol, Finesse, Tin-Man, and myself became loud enough for Mr. Man to tell us that we ought to keep our voices down. I immediately said, “You are right, we are too loud and after all it is 4:30 am.”

Cougar Caos
As the sun graced Valentine’s Day morning, I finally fell asleep as my fantasies created a spiral effect in my brain and spread throughout my entire body.

“No, I didn’t mean you,” Mr. Man said, with a tone of worry, at the mere idea that he may have let me think that I had come down from the highest pedestal, so far out of his reach. “It is okay,” I said with no more authority or assurance than he had given me, “…nothing wrong with pointing it out. The two of them are souzed and I am well aware of my gift of projection,” It was clear that to Mr. Man I could do no wrong. The problem with being lifted up on a pedestal is the eventual and inevitable fall.

I gazed over in Mr. Man’s direction, as I began anticipating the pending goodbye, knowing the desires he had made poignantly clear, thereby imagining his pending expectations. As it happened, his physical stance was as unassuming as it had been all evening. There were no schemes to force me to be alone with him in the darkness of predawn. He did not manipulate any situation so that he could pull me aside or steal moments alone with me. The only discussion was the logistics of going to Finesse’s house so they could get her dog and go back to Tin-Man’s place. Much of my mental energy was on Finesse and if it was a good idea for her to be swept away by Tin-Man. Despite my reservations, I was impressed with Tin-Man’s willingness to accommodate Finesse’s dog and again, it made me think of Mr. Wonderful doing the same for my bunny Galaxy, every time we were together. I did have other assurances as to Finesse’s presence of mind during the short car ride from J&P’s house.

In the back of my car, Finesse made it verbally clear to Tin-Man what her physical boundaries would be during their impending sleepover. She systematically listed what they could do together and what was off-limits. I was relieved to hear this, and I also felt a confused frustration coming from Mr. Man in my passenger’s seat. As I turned into the dirt parking lot of the Saloon, I said to Vanessa in a playful stage whisper, “He touched my knee! He touched my knee!” I heard and felt Mr. Man shift quick and sharp in his passenger’s seat, as he said out loud to himself “Now, I am confused.” I never figured out what he meant. Was it possible that he had no ideas that he had touched my knee?

photo collage, cougar, lust, sex, affair, attraction, infatuation, fantasy
I knew I couldn’t trust my mind that was proving unreliable under the intoxicating influence of my reckless body.

When we did say goodbye, he said, “I really had a great time with you
tonight,” as I reached down to hug him. As his arms reached out from his blanket jacket and around my waist I said, “I would invite you over for breakfast, but that is only a couple of hours from now.”

I saw his face shadowed by the darkness, while tinted with the artificial lights around us. I saw longing in his expression, though it could have been his exhaustion. Tin-Man hugged me and in the first serious tone I heard all night, he said “It was so nice to meet you, it was really fun.” As the three of them were about to enter Mr. Man’s car, I said to Finesse, “Can you him my phone number” I felt my arm flex as I pointed in his direction as if there were several choices available and he was the winner. As soon as the words came out, I realized what I had said and when I asked myself why I had made this gesture, I did not have an answer. Whatever I was doing was of my own free will, yet I felt like I was relinquishing control to a force outside of me. I honestly felt like I was under the mysterious spell of the hi-desert breezes whispering subliminal messages in my ear.

affair, cougar, confusion, temptation, lust, attraction
My vivid imagination played like a movie…..

I arrived home just after 5am and my mind was racing about everything that had happened. The tailspin in my mind provided no clarity or answers. I had been touched Mr. Man, in a variety of ways, but this did not change him being young enough to be my offspring. As I settled down to go to sleep, amid text message exchanges checking in with Finesse, I found a text from Mr. Man. He addressed me and announced himself, then said “…I really had a great time with you and I hope we can do it again real soon..” Given the time between our goodbye and this moment, he must have sent this message to me the moment he dropped off Finesse and Tin-Man. Finesse told me later that he had referred to me as “really cool” and asked for my phone number before he drove away from Tin-Man’s apartment. As I looked at his text, my heart spun and the centrifugal forces caused a subtle vibration in my chest that caused my nipples to tingle to the point of feeling a sharp sensation. My finger was on a button, sensitive to the touch, yet I kept it there simply because it felt good.

Knowing I was acting on my own free will, but still feeling as if I was under a bizarre spell, I replied to the text with “me too.” As I tried to fall asleep, I asked myself why I would say this when I was resigned to not give into the attraction that transpired.

cougar, sex, dating, romantic encounter, attraction, lust, infatuation, leg, Mrs. Robinson, photo collage
Not even the crowd, all around me, distilled his penetrating gaze.

Despite the message being short and simple I read it several times. As I tried to fall asleep, aware of the sun coming up just outside my window, my mind raced with graphic fantasies of Mr. Man. My body could not help but stir restlessly amid fantasies of the unique shape of his body fitting right into mine like a hand entering a perfect fitting warm glove. My vivid imagination played like a movie picturing his absent leg and how the sensations of his odd and unique body shape, might feel. Despite a long life of a wide variety of unusual experiences, the feeling of a deformed body would be a first for me.

As the sun graced Valentine’s Day morning, I finally fell asleep as my fantasies created a spiral effect in my brain and spread throughout my entire body. I woke up around 1pm and checked in with Finesse allowing me to temporality escape my drama as I listened to her. She was at Tin-Man’s house with her dog and they had spent an innocent, above the waist night, together. By this time she was claiming to hope for things to work out with her co-habitant who had brutally dumped her. My frustration over her ability to forgive him, for all of his cumulative misdeeds, in magical Hi-Desert, sunsets in the California Hi-Desert, attraction, dating, friends, music, dancingaddition to this cruel abandonment proved to be a distraction. By this time, I was also embarrassed at what had happened only hours prior, events that were fully transparent in the honest light of the midday sun. At the same time her sleepover with Tin-Man was also experiencing full sun. During our phone call Finesse was walking her dog, while looking for a place to eat outside Tin-Man’s apartment. As we spoke, literally, Tin-Man was with an impromptu female visitor bearing a Valentine Card.

On my side of town, the other half of Finesse’s drama had just darkened my front door, disrupting my thoughts of Mr. Man I was unable to escape in sleep. An unfamiliar car pulled in front of my house, while I was still in my nightshirt. I saw that it was Finesse’s boyfriend, who had dumped her, his face distorted by the sunlight making my face feel hot. When I realized who he was my face got hotter as I demanded, “What are you doing here?” I heard how angry I was in the tone of my voice and felt it on my tongue as I spoke. He wanted to know where Finesse was and reasoned that he was worried. To avoid more anger, I looked over at the car and saw Finesse’s mother in the driver’s seat, therefore I had no choice but to keep my cool. The awkward situation forced me to make up a scenario that everyone would believe, without lying, withholding the details since Finesse had every right to be anywhere she wished. I told them not to worry about her that I had just communicated with her. No one was satisfied and insisted on knowing where she was. I mentioned that we were together until 4:30 am and that she went to a friend’s house with her dog and would be back later. My words did little to diffuse the imposed drama. It was like they blamed me for her not being at my house.

I mentioned this to Finesse who had communicated with everyone via text messages earlier. Mr. Man and Tin-Man would be taking her back to J&Ps place. She notified me later that Mr. Man had seemed really sad. I had not amputee sex, aging woman, 21, affair, lust, sex, fantasy, infatuation, obsession, dreams, Valentine's Dayrejected him yet, though I had intended to send him a “Dear John” text at some point that day. I feared that if I waited too long I might change my mind. I knew I couldn’t trust my mind that was proving unreliable under the intoxicating influence of my reckless body.

Cougar in the Hunt Part 5: Cruel Light of Day

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Cougar in the Hunt 3: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson

animal medicine, animal spirit, the universe, companion animals, astronomy, stars, desert sky

Continuing story of Cougar in the Hunt 2: Did You Really Say 21?

Having a companion rabbit is a magic that creates an incredible life balance. My Galaxy leaves me wanting for very little. Galaxy’s unique wisdom of the universe and many ages past, provides remarkable insights that would otherwise be hard to realize.

Is the power of intense attraction a force of nature or a force to be reckoned with? As empowered, free, a liberated women, how do we balance personal discretion and our myriad of choices?

Appreciation from a suitor, especially with a broken heart, is intoxicating and for me this reach was far beyond addiction. It was a rip-current literally pulling my body further out to sea. Swimming against the power of this current, for the rest of the evening to follow, was exhausting.

As the experienced adult in the situation, I kept the door to physical and personal intimacy locked with a dead bolt. Throughout the night, Mr. Man tried any number of keys in the hopes that one would fit and he could finally unlock the barrier keeping him from having me. Unrealistic promises were spread out like a royal rug at my feet with him on his knees eager to kiss and caress them.

Had I been in my early 20s the night I met Mr. Man I would have been fully taken in by these overtures. Mr. Man was not taking me anywhere, since I knew better, at least not by these means.

signature Mrs. Robinson leg, cougar, 21, lust, attraction, affair, 40, sexuality after 50
….. the skin of the palm of his hand and his fingers wrapped around the skin of my knee……

He continued to verbally corner me with his desire to be physically closer to me by inquiry. The Tin-Man and Finesse were displaying their affections out in the open. Their public physical displays were not vulgar or offensive, just not within my personal comfort zone. The intensity of his eye contact was impossible to miss or escape, as it followed me with skill and precision.
The only time he took his penetrating green eyes off of me, was the moments when he was observing Tin-Man and Finesse across the coffee table. Clearly, Mr. Man looked to the Tin-Man actions for guidance.

“Why can’t we be like they are?” His voice reverberated eagerness, longing, hope, and least of all, a question  I didn’t know if he wanted to be in bed with me or wanted to put his hands on me to navigate a future encounter. The alcohol and the hour of the night continued to wear me down, not to his explicit desires, but to my ability to discourage him or divert the conversation. All I could say was a few broken words that I know I could have articulated better.
“They have known each other for years. You and I just met” There was no way he could dispute my logic, though he would negotiate with a solid strong will.
Determined to negotiate my terms he began, “We are-” Sharply cutting him off I said, “…talking, just as we ought to be. There is nothing wrong with that.” He had already characterized himself and me as “we.” 

For all his bold and explicit verbal expressions, he did not make a single physical advance, covertly or otherwise. He didn’t manipulate me or anyone else in an effort to trap me into being alone with him. All advances were verbal and while he was manipulative with words, the only physical overture was sitting shoulder to shoulder with me.  

affair, cougar, 21, transition, reflection, regret, denial, infatuation, conquest, lust
Somehow, if he could captivate me in the dark of the predawn maybe the sun wouldn’t take me away from him.

Earlier that evening, I made it clear to him that I did not like cigarette smoke. He had said he would throw his entire pack out for me, though I did not believe him. He got up from the couch, where we were sitting together and excused himself to go outside and smoke. Of course I let my disdain show, so he repeated his willingness to throw out the pack, but this time with a condition, “What am going to get?” as if my body was the bargaining chip for his ability to save his own life. I couldn’t dignify this with an answer not just because it was absurd, but also because I wasn’t prepared to even consider all that he wanted. His direct communication was beginning to get obtrusive and I was feeling the pressure.

When he returned, the smell made it hard for me to breathe given that he reclaimed his position, right next to me our shoulder touching. I got up to plug-in my phone that was running low on battery and showed him more photos. The air coming in from the wide open door of the J&P’s studio distilled the nicotine smell that was making it difficult to breathe so my affair, cougar, confusion, temptation, lust, attractioninhibitions were relaxed and relatively balanced. For some reason I was opening my personal life to him by showing him family photos including baby pictures. I opened Facebook infant photos most of which included my eldest sister, at six, followed by a current photo of her. I took the built-in opportunity to point out the contrast between my nearly identical mother and sister due to my mother’s chain-smoking. He was touched by the photos of me as an infant and the sight of my artwork photos raised the level of his infatuation.

At some point we went outside for fresh air where we continued to talked as I coughed.

“You don’t have to cough. You don’t like it, I get it.”

“It isn’t that. I grew up with a chain smoker who never opened windows, so I have chronic health issue and sensitivity. Even the resin on walls or clothes makes it hard to breath.” I went on to intimate to him that I watched my mother cough up chunks of green mucus at least once a day. His face was pensive and tried to express as much empathy as his lack of experience could accommodate. He also looked suspicious that I was trying to manipulate him, weakening his resolve to claim my body in exchange for nicotine abstinence. When I told him I was getting chilly he followed me back inside and we took our place on the couch.

With the prospect of morning drawing near he widened his tired eyes and adjusted his position to deepen his contact with my eyes, as if he could magically be permitted to touch me by hypnosis. His green eyes scanned my face as if they could capture me and carry me away. Somehow, if he could captivate me in the dark of the predawn maybe the sun wouldn’t take me away from him.
Eyes penetrating me he persisted, “So? What are we doing?”

“We are talking,” I replied with an authority that sounded weaker in my fatigue.

“You know what I mean?” He said with a frustrated tone that he tried to soften with a growling whisper. My only ally was the strength of my adrenalin.

“At this stage in my life,” I said, trying to remind him of my advanced age, “I can’t afford to be impetuous,” He asked me to define impetuous, as if this was the golden key that would let him enter. I explained the word impetuous and he needed more so I said “Being impetuous is my nature, but I have learned to control it and use discretion.” He repeated my words back to himself as if he needed greater clarity. I knew I needed to tell him there was no way anything would happen, but my impetuous-attention-craving early 20s were creeping back in such a subtle manner, that I didn’t notice. Part of me enjoyed the attention that was constant when I was in my early 20s and the other part of me was exhausted. The other part of me might have felt it was far too obtrusive, but there was no question I had the upper hand and he was enslaved to his desires for me. He wasn’t satisfied, so he pretended to need more explanation and I knew he was young, yes, stupid no. I tried a subtle diversion tactic. Again calling attention to the severe gap in our stages of life. “When I was 19, 20, and 21 I was wild…” I was cut off by his face lighting up, like a second wind, so I hastened my tone. “…I was reckless and very impetuous. I only got away with it because I was so young; I would never live through the things that I did then at this stage in my life.” He turned forward, reflectively, though not willing to concede. I continued “I believe, rather I know that there are special angels that work overtime for young people since they don’t know better.” He was impressed with my thoughtful expression and ability to articulate and while fully attentive to everything I was saying, he was not distracted from his acquisition.

As our gathering neared 4am, I asked him if he was tired, suggesting it was time to leave. I warned Mr. Man that Finesse would be slow-moving getting to the car. While we got ready to leave J&P’s after party, something happened, shattering the only resolve I had been clinging to the entire evening. Regardless of how flattering the overt attention felt, I had to be equally resigned to the reality that he was only 21.

affair, obsession, infatuation, regret, mistakes, infatuation

As Mr. Man rose from being sunk down into the couch with me all of my resolve was shattered in an instant.

Once he was sitting fully upright, the palm of  Mr. Man’s calloused hand landed on my knee. The skin of his palm touched my knee cap and each finger fell and wrapped around my knee. As his skin touch mine and a I felt the his grip an ignited desire traveled through my leg and to my pelvis. With his touch, I felt my stomach tighten reaching up to grip my chest as my entire leg trembled, though motionless, steadied under the weight of his grip. Clearly, it was unintentional, given that the entire evening he had not tried, even covertly, to force physical contact with me. While his forceful words were an overt expression of want of physical contact with me, this was the only time he actually put a hand on me. In this moment, the whole situation shifted from a clear logical decision to do what is right to complicated and compelling temptation. There was no denying that his hand on me caused me to feel strong sensations and the situation would no longer be a simple discretion. As of that moment, the struggle between the wisdom of my mind and the desires of my body would begin.

cougar, abstract photo collage, Mrs. Robinson leg, lust , infatuation, sex, affair, 21, older woman, menopause
As the desert sky turn the room dark, he stared down at me, silently…

Cougar in The Hunt Part 4: Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson 

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, I have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

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