Temperance & The Devil Part 7: Insanity Plea

Temperance & The Devil Part 7

Continuation of Temperance & The Devil 6

The moment after the involvement severing Facebook dialogue with Mr. Wonderful, I felt an overwhelming confusion. My heart and mind continued to battle never reaching a reasonable agreement. My heart wanted Mr. Wonderful and my mind wanted to protect my heart. Despite how determined my mind was to protect my heart at all costs, my heart was unrelenting at wanting to open up to him and let him enter. Keeping my heart safe felt like letting my heart

single woman over 40, relationships, falling in love, high-desert photo collage, mid-life
In that instant I wanted to dive right into his deep blue eyes like pools of a crystalline cool water oasis in the hot high desert summer.

ache and spin. He had already affected me in such a significant manner and I wondered if I would regret letting him go. To this day I wish my mind and heart could have worked together, collectively, reaching a compromise that would keep me safe.

Sunday night was the conversation over Facebook chat where I put a halt to our connection. He had asked if we could be friends and I was 100% sincere as I responded with a “yes.” During our online chat he stopped replying, which left me concerned. Monday morning I went to my woman’s support group and shared my dilemma. Mr. Wonderful’s photo was in my Smartphone picture gallery and when I passed around my phone as collective oohs and aahhhs came from each members of the group. Despite how attracted I felt for him, I never noticed his visual aesthetic. When I met him, all I noticed was his eyes, so blue as they shifted and widened upon encountering mine. In that instant I wanted to dive right into his deep blue eyes like pools of a crystalline cool water oasis in the hot high desert summer. Handsome was the consensus among this group and others; to me he was the kind of beautiful that reaches the eyes for only a moment but deeply touches the soul.

After the encouragement which I wish I had embraced for a sustained length of time, I sat at a computer and looked for him online and messaged him. My heart was taken with him on a flight, fighting my better judgement, and winning.

first date, attraction, falling in love, dance
I danced the magical night away in his crystalline blue eyes…

The conversation we had on Facebook the previous evening took a bizarre turn that foreshadowed and confused many chat conversation to come.

I hated that I was telling him we could not be involved over an internet chat, while at the same time I knew if I saw him in person I would want to fall into his embrace, kiss him with my considerable innate passion, and surrender the rest of my heart to his heart..

I told him that yes, we would be friends and maybe, in time, possibly more. Then he typed “Good night,” but I wasn’t finished and I didn’t feel like the conversation ought to be over. I typed “you believe me right?”

There was no reply from him, so I typed “are you still there? Please, I really want to know.” After a few minutes he did not respond, so I typed “okay, this hurts.” I typed this to his chat window, but it was like typing to myself. Had I hurt him so much that I may never see or hear from him again?

It was after 12 am by the time I said these last words and he disappeared out of our conversation. I became far too wrapped up in my guilt over rejecting him and then regretting it, that I was unable to see that this was a sign of future confusion,

fear of intimacy, adult child of abuse, falling in love, fear of love, fear of intimacy, woman over 40, PTSD
Could I have been resisting Mr. Wonderful because the abuse I suffered as a child still makes me feel unworthy?…

sorrow, and 21rst century technological communication gap.

The conversation we had on Facebook the previous evening took a bizarre turn that foreshadowed and confused many chat conversation to come.

I hated that I was telling him we could not be involved over an internet chat, while at the same time I knew if I saw him in person I would want to fall into his embrace, kiss him with my considerable innate passion, and surrender the rest of my heart to his heart..

I told him that yes, we would be friends and maybe, in time, possibly more. Then he typed “Good night,” but I wasn’t finished and I didn’t feel like the conversation ought to be over. I typed “you believe me, right?”

There was no reply from him, so I typed “are you still there? Please, I really want to know.” After a few minutes he did not respond, so I typed “okay, this hurts.”

It was after 12 am by the time I said these last words and he disappeared out of our conversation. I became far too wrapped up in my guilt over rejecting him and then regretting it, that I was unable to see that this was a sign of future confusion, sorrow, and 21rst century technological communication gap.

My heart wanted Mr. Wonderful and my mind wanted to protect my heart. Despite how determined my mind was to protect my heart at all costs, my heart was unrelenting at wanting to open up to him and let him enter. Keeping my heart safe felt like letting my heart ache and spin. He had already affected me in such a significant manner and I wondered if I would regret letting him go. To this day I wish my mind and heart could have worked together, collectively, reaching a compromise that would keep me safe. 

relationships, finding love, single woman over 40, love
In truth, I had been through a lonely spell dryer then the desert we lived in, to reach this beautiful oasis….

After my support group I went to the computer, went to Facebook and recanted what I had said to Mr. Wonderful the previous evening. The connection I felt with him was too strong and I did not want to waste an opportunity to be with a man as kind as him. I surrendered my heart and tore down all walls of protection as I typed:

Me: Ok, i regret that I did not wait till I saw you in person to discuss the above and now there is a cyberspace-misunderstanding. The truth, I wanted to discuss my concerns, and I made the mistake of doing so here, online. I don’t want to sound loopy or wishy-washy when I say that i DO want you to continue to pursue me (romantically) and hope you still want to. Can we rewind or as my father used to say regroup? I will be home tomorrow till 11am if you want to come by or meet for coffee.

Me: Ps. I am claiming menopausal temporary insanity…..

Mr. Wonderful: ?????

In addition to this declaration I also inquired about his dropping off communication the evening before. He explained how he began to feel emotional and did not want to bother me. I felt bad when I realized that my words may have been too harsh and therefore hurtful, so I said:

Me: Why would you think I was bothering you…….

Mr.Wonderful: Just because

Me: Will you please bother me??

or take me mini-golfing which ever suites your taste…

Mr. Wonderful: You want me to??

Me: Yes,

Mr. Wonderful: Ok

Me:: I also want to start over from the moment we said goodbye on Saturday night or from when we are ‘talking’ Sunday morning….I am sorry I defined your timetable of grief- this was not my place to do so….In other words, six months would not be enough time for ME. It is not up to me to decide for you…

Hope this makes sense.

Mr. Wonderful: Perfectly

Me: I don’t like typing Facebook communication it hurts my hurting hand and it causes miscommunication and misunderstanding….Can we, you and me, start over?

Mr. Wonderful: Sorry. I hope to have my phone back on next day or so, and we can start anywhere you like.

As I read his response I felt relief, while a warm assurance that I made the right choice filled my heart and mind. In this moment, I was not longer afraid or eager to make trouble and the wonder of what was to come stimulated the adrenals throughout my body, mind and heart. I was actually physically and emotionally attracted to a kind and safe person, which has happened only a few times in my life which had arrived at the midpoint so fast and without the love of another for so many years. I was living in the desert, but a five-year dry spell was three years in progress when I moved here. In essence, I had held out for five years, including 2 years on the road not forming any kind of attachments, to find someone like Mr. Wonderful and my reward was awaiting me with open arms.

In my reflections, during the less than 24-hour period of telling him that we could not happen, feeling an ambivalence that dominated my mind and heart struggle to resolve, and then letting him know I did want to be with him, I realized that a heart that stays sheltered and protected, unwilling to take risks was a heart that could never love or be loved. If I had known that I was letting my heart venture into a dangerous biting cold winter maybe I would not have ventured into the elements entirely naked when I should have had sub-zero protection.

What touched my heart on the most profound level, in this conversation and future encounters, was how much Mr. Wonderful cared for Galaxy. In this same Facebook dialogue we said:

Me: ….you can also come by my place (not everyone gets this privilege) Galaxy would LOVE to see you….He really likes you….

Mr. Wonderful : Thank you, I will come see Galaxy.

Temperance and The Devil Part 8: Fire in the Hills

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

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