Affirmations From The Galaxy: Lost & Found

Lost and Found Part 1

relationship fallout, love, breakup, heartbreak, sex, aging and sexuality
The truth is that not only was my trust for him implicit, it never occurred to me not to trust him.

Though I truly love you, I do not need you, therefore I can no longer want you, so I have to go away…..C.C. Silsbee

Temperance and The Devil

…..ships will pass in the night. They will pass until you get them all right. Then you will stand on the highest ground. If you’re never lost, how can you be found?“…..Pele Ju Ju, Santa Cruz CA.

Your youthful, willing, eager eyes intrigued me; your devotion captured me; your spontaneity freed me; your misguided

signature Mrs. Robinson leg, cougar, 21, lust, attraction, affair, 40, sexuality after 50
Not even the crowd all around us could distill his gaze..

impetuous youth hurt me; in the end I saw a moving picture of my past, fading in the distance gone forever and I quickly returned to me….C.C. Silsbee 

Cougar in the Hunt

 

 

 

 

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Affirmations From the Galaxy Wednesday

“Bitterness and hatred changes me into someone I don’t want to be; I will let go of these toxic emotions, so I can attract positive things to
affirmations, forgiveness, betrayal, heartbreak, hope, child abuse, substance abuse, mental illnessmy life”……………Candice Silsby

“The pursuit, even of the best things, ought to be calm and tranquil.”……Marcus Tullius Cicero

“My first impulse is to those who have done the wrongs that have caused me so much pain and grief; I choose to forgive, so that I can be free“……Candice Silsby

“I look to the Galaxy, when I am faced with what scares me the most: uncertainty and fear that I will be harmed by someone
I  love”…..Candice Silsby

Wisdom From the Galaxy

Cougar in the Hunt

Temperance and the Devil

Share an affirmation of your own:

 

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Temperance & The Devil Part 7: Insanity Plea

Temperance & The Devil Part 7

Continuation of Temperance & The Devil 6

The moment after the involvement severing Facebook dialogue with Mr. Wonderful, I felt an overwhelming confusion. My heart and mind continued to battle never reaching a reasonable agreement. My heart wanted Mr. Wonderful and my mind wanted to protect my heart. Despite how determined my mind was to protect my heart at all costs, my heart was unrelenting at wanting to open up to him and let him enter. Keeping my heart safe felt like letting my heart

single woman over 40, relationships, falling in love, high-desert photo collage, mid-life
In that instant I wanted to dive right into his deep blue eyes like pools of a crystalline cool water oasis in the hot high desert summer.

ache and spin. He had already affected me in such a significant manner and I wondered if I would regret letting him go. To this day I wish my mind and heart could have worked together, collectively, reaching a compromise that would keep me safe.

Sunday night was the conversation over Facebook chat where I put a halt to our connection. He had asked if we could be friends and I was 100% sincere as I responded with a “yes.” During our online chat he stopped replying, which left me concerned. Monday morning I went to my woman’s support group and shared my dilemma. Mr. Wonderful’s photo was in my Smartphone picture gallery and when I passed around my phone as collective oohs and aahhhs came from each members of the group. Despite how attracted I felt for him, I never noticed his visual aesthetic. When I met him, all I noticed was his eyes, so blue as they shifted and widened upon encountering mine. In that instant I wanted to dive right into his deep blue eyes like pools of a crystalline cool water oasis in the hot high desert summer. Handsome was the consensus among this group and others; to me he was the kind of beautiful that reaches the eyes for only a moment but deeply touches the soul.

After the encouragement which I wish I had embraced for a sustained length of time, I sat at a computer and looked for him online and messaged him. My heart was taken with him on a flight, fighting my better judgement, and winning.

first date, attraction, falling in love, dance
I danced the magical night away in his crystalline blue eyes…

The conversation we had on Facebook the previous evening took a bizarre turn that foreshadowed and confused many chat conversation to come.

I hated that I was telling him we could not be involved over an internet chat, while at the same time I knew if I saw him in person I would want to fall into his embrace, kiss him with my considerable innate passion, and surrender the rest of my heart to his heart..

I told him that yes, we would be friends and maybe, in time, possibly more. Then he typed “Good night,” but I wasn’t finished and I didn’t feel like the conversation ought to be over. I typed “you believe me right?”

There was no reply from him, so I typed “are you still there? Please, I really want to know.” After a few minutes he did not respond, so I typed “okay, this hurts.” I typed this to his chat window, but it was like typing to myself. Had I hurt him so much that I may never see or hear from him again?

It was after 12 am by the time I said these last words and he disappeared out of our conversation. I became far too wrapped up in my guilt over rejecting him and then regretting it, that I was unable to see that this was a sign of future confusion,

fear of intimacy, adult child of abuse, falling in love, fear of love, fear of intimacy, woman over 40, PTSD
Could I have been resisting Mr. Wonderful because the abuse I suffered as a child still makes me feel unworthy?…

sorrow, and 21rst century technological communication gap.

The conversation we had on Facebook the previous evening took a bizarre turn that foreshadowed and confused many chat conversation to come.

I hated that I was telling him we could not be involved over an internet chat, while at the same time I knew if I saw him in person I would want to fall into his embrace, kiss him with my considerable innate passion, and surrender the rest of my heart to his heart..

I told him that yes, we would be friends and maybe, in time, possibly more. Then he typed “Good night,” but I wasn’t finished and I didn’t feel like the conversation ought to be over. I typed “you believe me, right?”

There was no reply from him, so I typed “are you still there? Please, I really want to know.” After a few minutes he did not respond, so I typed “okay, this hurts.”

It was after 12 am by the time I said these last words and he disappeared out of our conversation. I became far too wrapped up in my guilt over rejecting him and then regretting it, that I was unable to see that this was a sign of future confusion, sorrow, and 21rst century technological communication gap.

My heart wanted Mr. Wonderful and my mind wanted to protect my heart. Despite how determined my mind was to protect my heart at all costs, my heart was unrelenting at wanting to open up to him and let him enter. Keeping my heart safe felt like letting my heart ache and spin. He had already affected me in such a significant manner and I wondered if I would regret letting him go. To this day I wish my mind and heart could have worked together, collectively, reaching a compromise that would keep me safe. 

relationships, finding love, single woman over 40, love
In truth, I had been through a lonely spell dryer then the desert we lived in, to reach this beautiful oasis….

After my support group I went to the computer, went to Facebook and recanted what I had said to Mr. Wonderful the previous evening. The connection I felt with him was too strong and I did not want to waste an opportunity to be with a man as kind as him. I surrendered my heart and tore down all walls of protection as I typed:

Me: Ok, i regret that I did not wait till I saw you in person to discuss the above and now there is a cyberspace-misunderstanding. The truth, I wanted to discuss my concerns, and I made the mistake of doing so here, online. I don’t want to sound loopy or wishy-washy when I say that i DO want you to continue to pursue me (romantically) and hope you still want to. Can we rewind or as my father used to say regroup? I will be home tomorrow till 11am if you want to come by or meet for coffee.

Me: Ps. I am claiming menopausal temporary insanity…..

Mr. Wonderful: ?????

In addition to this declaration I also inquired about his dropping off communication the evening before. He explained how he began to feel emotional and did not want to bother me. I felt bad when I realized that my words may have been too harsh and therefore hurtful, so I said:

Me: Why would you think I was bothering you…….

Mr.Wonderful: Just because

Me: Will you please bother me??

or take me mini-golfing which ever suites your taste…

Mr. Wonderful: You want me to??

Me: Yes,

Mr. Wonderful: Ok

Me:: I also want to start over from the moment we said goodbye on Saturday night or from when we are ‘talking’ Sunday morning….I am sorry I defined your timetable of grief- this was not my place to do so….In other words, six months would not be enough time for ME. It is not up to me to decide for you…

Hope this makes sense.

Mr. Wonderful: Perfectly

Me: I don’t like typing Facebook communication it hurts my hurting hand and it causes miscommunication and misunderstanding….Can we, you and me, start over?

Mr. Wonderful: Sorry. I hope to have my phone back on next day or so, and we can start anywhere you like.

As I read his response I felt relief, while a warm assurance that I made the right choice filled my heart and mind. In this moment, I was not longer afraid or eager to make trouble and the wonder of what was to come stimulated the adrenals throughout my body, mind and heart. I was actually physically and emotionally attracted to a kind and safe person, which has happened only a few times in my life which had arrived at the midpoint so fast and without the love of another for so many years. I was living in the desert, but a five-year dry spell was three years in progress when I moved here. In essence, I had held out for five years, including 2 years on the road not forming any kind of attachments, to find someone like Mr. Wonderful and my reward was awaiting me with open arms.

In my reflections, during the less than 24-hour period of telling him that we could not happen, feeling an ambivalence that dominated my mind and heart struggle to resolve, and then letting him know I did want to be with him, I realized that a heart that stays sheltered and protected, unwilling to take risks was a heart that could never love or be loved. If I had known that I was letting my heart venture into a dangerous biting cold winter maybe I would not have ventured into the elements entirely naked when I should have had sub-zero protection.

What touched my heart on the most profound level, in this conversation and future encounters, was how much Mr. Wonderful cared for Galaxy. In this same Facebook dialogue we said:

Me: ….you can also come by my place (not everyone gets this privilege) Galaxy would LOVE to see you….He really likes you….

Mr. Wonderful : Thank you, I will come see Galaxy.

Temperance and The Devil Part 8: Fire in the Hills

As a woman over 40, pushing 50, have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit.

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Affirmations From the Galaxy

“With friends you grow wings

alone, you are a single feather

With friends you master the wind

alone you blow in all directions…”

Rumi (modified) cropped-theinfinitegalaxy.jpg

“When seeking answers in darkness I look to the stars

the planets align my thoughts and free my soul to the infinite Galaxy

the light of the stars shines bright and some things become clear…

and if not the beauty of the universe in is in sight.”

Original by Candice Silsby 

#houserabbit #animalwisdom #affirmation #animalrescue #buddism
My house bunny Galaxy reminds me that love does not have to hurt.

“Love does not count up wrongs that have been done.  Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures. ” Corinthians 13:7

Wisdom From the Galaxy

Cougar in the Hunt

Temperance & the Devil

More Affirmations

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Cougar in the Hunt, Part 8

Cougar in the Hunt Part 8: Here’s To You Mrs. Robinson

Continuation of Cougar in the Hunt Part 7: Sun to Moon #cougar #Mrs.Robinson #lust #infatuation #21 #menopause #singlewomanover40

The decision to invite Mr. Man to my house to see the Graduate with me, a film made decades before the “cougar” euphemism, was an affectionate way of warning him about sexual involvement with an older woman. My intentions and his responses to this activity were nothing like I expected. The process of sharing this entertainment media revealed many things about the person Mr. Man is and the circumstances of his childhood. It became crystal clear as we watched “the Graduate” that they way he grew up was nothing like my childhood. He was not able to relate personally to the LA upper class suburban lifestyle parodied and made surreal in this film where as it had always been relatable to my paradigm. In the midst of these differences being revealed, I observed how quick and unafraid he was to ask questions and seek explanations for societal norms before his birth or outside the experiences of his short life. This humility inspired an increasing respect for him and admiration for his courage. He was revealing his tremendous potential which complicated my clean, detached, and objective approach to this pending affair.

#photocollage #cougar #Mrs,Robinson #lust #menopauseandsexulaity #21
The intense fantasy of his disfigured anatomy was impossible to escape in the dark of the desert night…#Mrs.Robinson #photocollage #cougar #lust #sex #affair #attraction #infatuation #fantasy

His willingness to learn and not appear more experienced than his age was a pleasant surprise.  As I layed in the presence of such humility and courage, I didn’t mind stopping to explain words and concepts and give mini and micro-sociological history lessons. The significant women’s history lesson, pertinent to the film, was describing the sad position women lived by when the Graduate was produced and released. He gave me a puzzled look when I explained the phenomena; I was born into, known as the Mrs. Degree where women went to college to find husbands, not to earn degrees. My father worked hard at ensuring that my sister’s and I earned a college education. Our father constantly lectured us to avoid marrying too young and to first earn a college degree, procure our own income and security before seeking marriage. I realized, as we watched the pathetic unhappy Mrs. Robinson, how much this movie was a composite of all my father’s efforts that I was also exposed to frequently growing up, in my formative years, and into my young adulthood. Since Mr. Man was so so open to learning things outside of his reality, I made sure that he caught all the subtle nuances of the film not just the fictitious Mrs. Robinson’s character being representative of women going to college to find a husband, but also being forced to get married due to unplanned pregnancy. All events to follow this afternoon and evening, a tiny grain of sand in time, we shared would implode in a literary irony that even my long life was not prepared to endure.

Growing up watching The Graduate in multiple sittings, the main character was relatable to how I grew up and I had always taken this for granted. Mr. Man had a hard time understanding the suburban upper class post college homecoming. I had learned that Mr. Man had grown up under different circumstances with a single mother and upon his mother’s remarriage became a Marine brat. He told me in one of our earlier text conversations that his father died when he was very young, so he never knew him and his mother remained single until she married a Marine when he was 13, which is how he ended up in this area. I found out within the first 10 minutes of

#cougar #mrsrobinson #vixen #sex #lust #21
The touch of his fully developed hand seemed to compensate for the deformed one

meeting him that he had no further scholastic intentions and had made up his mind to seek a working class blue-collar high paying industrial type profession. Everyone I had ever known who chose this path spent the fair level of income on cheap bulk liquor, cigarettes and drugs. This will likely be his fate, but since he is only 21 the impact has not spoiled him yet.

As the movie played, and the plot progressed, I continued to explain the class and generations of the characters as they had been explained to me watching the graduate with family from the time I was a little girl to the formative years and into adulthood. At one point, I was worried that he might be bored, so I checked with him and his response surprised me. He actually said “I am really into this movie” In that moment I was impressed and felt warm towards him, but I had no idea that the source of his peaked interest in this film would end up leaving me the blinded fool, left out in the biting cold without a parka.

Mrs. Robinson, Cougar, sex, full-moon
His fingers slipped under my shirt and traveled across my waist.

I was baffled as I had half expected our interaction to be awkward and that like Mrs. Robinson and Benjamin Braddock, we would end up having nothing to talk about or say to each other. I could not believe that I was relating to him far beyond my expectations and this only increased my desire and anticipation. We remained side by side, watching the movie, as he continued to keep his hands to himself. There were no subtle manipulative schemes to get closer to me physically. Mr. Man stay, the same guy with bold words of lustful desire for me, stayed put.

Out of the corner of my eye I looked at the side of his body angled away from me from the head down. On the bean bag chair the two of us made a triangle with our heads and the tip. When I blinked, my body felt the full sensation of his near presence, I could smell him, I was hearing and breath that touched my skin while circling through my body with every shift of his body or subtle movement.

His whole hand was on the same side, I was, as it happened, and I found myself reaching over and placing each finger in between each of his and as we moved our palms together, I rested my forearm on his and my elbow rested inside the bend of his arm. He shifted slightly and everything fit into place like a puzzle. Periodically, he stroked my hand, back and forth with his thumb.

#photocollage #diva #Mrs.Robinson #cougar #image #fantasy
He dived in as if were a desert oasis, yet also as if he was afraid he would drown or not find his way out…

My weak, injured hand was wrapped in his that was not deformed, yet I was not hurt by his grip as so often a man’s hand grip would unintentionally hurt me. With one eye I continued to watch the film and with the other I stared at his bronze skin either from the sun or a small percentage of a culture with a darker brown skin or both. He did not reek of nicotine as I had expected and his sweat was intoxicating to breathe.
Mr. Man had not recognized the very young Dustin Hoffman in his first movie. It was the Dustin Hoffman before I was born, so for him the gap in years was wide. There was a commentary after the movie ended where Dustin Hoffman with longer hair and a few grey hairs speaking at which point Mr. Man did recognize him

I turned the TV off with my toes and naturally found myself placing my head on his chest and nestling myself into his willing arms. His heartbeat pulsated through my right temple so strong that I it reverberated through my head and ears while also feeling his hand stroking my hair and neck. I thought about how his “normal” hand, the one not deformed by birth defect, must have the power of two hands from a lifetime of compensation. Several times I reached over to touch and stroke his deformed hand, working my fingers through every crevice, each finger not fully developed, the small birth defected palm with the sprout like fingers frozen in his time of early childhood jutting out the end of his half palm. His tiny fingers subtly grasp my fingers as they moved about exploring the entire oddity of this hand, not like any other hand on any other person, a beautiful shaped in all its deformity. I could even feel the lines on his palm, not fully developed, cut short by finger sprouts nearly as thick as the fingers of a grown man, but soft, short, and delicate like a toddler. With every movement of my fingers grazing his tiny fingers, my heart became warmer, as his heart pounded into my right temple faster and harder, while his other full hand crept down from my neck into my back and waist.
His fingers slipped under my shirt and traveled across my waist. I became aware of the firm, elastic of my leggings wrapped around my waist, as his fingers butted against the edge like a refuge fighting the border, desperate to navigate a way past the barred entry and enter.  It reminded me of all the times in my high school years when boys, full of determination, would run their hand across the elastic of my bra trying to find the hook, which was always up front in my control.  I am sure he knew how to get past the waistband; perhaps he wanted to sneak his hand in without being obvious.
The sun was setting in the outside world, bringing back the luminous quality of our respective physical features. If Mr. Man had not been there with my head on his chest and his fingers stroking the skin under my shirt, I may have been outside gazing at the moon and the wonder of the desert’s endless night sky.

The power of the night sky could be felt from inside and the luminous quality the moon coated the darkness illuminating the two of us in an intense embrace of pre-coital anticipation.

LELO

“This is nice…” He said with a tone that was relaxed, but also eager, as I continued to stroke his chest with one hand and unbutton my shirt with the other.

Cougar in the Hunt Part 9 and 10, too hot for a public blog, will be part of my Wisdom From the Galaxy Ebook! Submit a comment and your email for a discount! One random subscriber will receive Ebook FREE. Ebook will be available April 30! Sneak Preview!

 

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As a woman over 40, pushing 50, I have created this blog for the purposed of using my writing skills to create something
especially meaningful to women. The best show of appreciation, since this blog is brand new, is feedback, sharing my site with others, and a donation of any amount in that order. Even a small donation, will go a long way to support my gourmet coffee habit!
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cougar, Mrs. Robinson, sex, lust

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Election Day Hyatus; Posts Resuming Soon

On election day, I work from 5am to 9:30pm as a poll worker. This election was especially challenging given that it was a primary and the numerous issues surrounding this particular change of command. I have had to take a break from writing and podcasting but will be back up to speed by Monday, June 13th.

Cougar in the Hunt Episodes

Temperance and the Devil Episodes

Podcast on Tuesday

Many thanks from the Galaxy

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