Cougar in The Hunt Part 6: What’s That You Say Mrs. Robinson?

Continuation of Cougar in the Hunt 5: Cruel Light Of Day

Cougar In the Hunt 6: What’s That You Say Mrs. Robinson

At the time, my mind was opened wide to a new paradigm, when in fact I was descending into a madness I had forgotten

#menopauseandsexuality #photocollage #cougar #maturity #antipatingoldage
The intense warmth of the cruel light of day, accentuates my age…

existed. My sense of adventure has not subsided with age which accounts for so many of my greatest joys, though this same spirit gets me into trouble, creating occasional sorrows.
I let him know, via text message, about my friends branding me as “Mrs. Robinson,” and as I suspected he had not seen or heard of “The Graduate.”
“You will have to show me this film.” Again, even though it was a text message, somehow his eager hope resonated though in the dry desert air. Before long, I was feeding his hope an entire three course gourmet meal. I admit the hypnotic power I had over this young man was exhilarating to all of my senses, casting out all sensibility.
At the time, my mind was opened wide to a new paradigm, when in fact I was descending into a madness I had forgotten existed. My sense of adventure has not subsided with age which accounts for so many of my greatest joys, though this same spirit gets me into trouble, creating occasional sorrows.
I let him know, via text message, about my friends branding me as “Mrs. Robinson,” and as I suspected he had not seen or heard of “The Graduate.”
#cougar #Mrs.Robinson #lust #physicalattraction #desire #21 #menopauseandsexuality #sexandmenopause #sexoilformenopausewomen“You will have to show me this film.” Again, even though it was a text message, somehow his eager hope resonated though in the dry desert air. Before long, I was feeding his hope an entire three course gourmet meal. I admit the hypnotic power I had over this young man was exhilarating to all of my senses, casting out all sensibility.

“I own a copy of it. Why don’t you come over here to watch it with me?”
Text messages may be impersonal, but his reaction as he told me he was available anytime, any day, whenever and whatever I wanted was clear and somehow swept through me.
For purposes of good measure I warned him of the shocking disaster my home is, due to physical disability and jumping through hoops for welfare assistance.
“If your house was a landfill, it would never change how I see you…” He sent a couple additional text messages with bloated overtures about helping me around my house, as he had done the night I met him. I didn’t take these gestures seriously, but I did realize that deep down I really wished that he was telling the truth or at least had honest intentions of committing himself to complete servitude towards me.
The dialogue with myself swirled around my mind and went something like this.photo collage blending portraits, virgin marry pose, vixen pose
Me: What am I doing?
Me2: Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the ride.
Me: He is only 21; just because he wants me, does this mean I have to lose my better judgement?
Me2: If no one gets hurt where is the harm?
Me: I can’t be serious about a 21-year-old; inevitably he will start to annoy me at some point.
Me2: Be honest, not serious……..I am so tired of being sensible. I need a break from sensible.
This particular dialogue went in circles and it remained in the back of my mind while the front of my mind was busy chasing fruitless distractions. The only place I am able to lose myself was in my work, but I can’t write around the clock, though I have tried.

cougar, affair, lust, infatuation, generation
..with his words, I wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in bed with me, or navigate a future encounter….

I was aware of the thick grey haze cloaking my sensibility. Clearly, I genuinely liked this young man and had no denial of the age gap. I was aware that there was no future, which I now realize was more of a safety net than it was a risk. Above all, I did not need this encounter, but I desired it like a chill desire warmth, a fire yearns for water, like the Eucharist is naturally followed by a sip of wine, like my hot flashes ache for the cool breeze.
The events of the night I met him came to mind and his sharp words of desire pierces through my chest and stomach, longing for a release and so invited him to my home. The agenda included watching “The Graduate,” I would know that I made every effort to discourage him from persisting with his desired conquest.

I was already too far out to sea to fight the rip current pulling me further. The only option was to ride the wave and let surrender to the adrenaline pleasure awaiting me, set to arrive at my front door beckoning for entry like a tomcat following a scent.#Mrs.Robinson #photocollage #cougar #lust #sex #affair #attraction #infatuation #fantasy
That evening I was privileged to a wonderful diversion that served to place my feet on the ground and savor the mystic quality of the desert nights. Magical nights in the desert are plentiful though each has a unique quality. A property with all the odd artistic quality of the high desert had just been purchased, so we all were invited to the house-warming. I brought Finesse there where we met up with the rest of the pack. I candidly told Finesse about the date I had set for the following day. The fun she was having, calling me Mrs. Robinson and Cougar had not lost its novelty. When we discreetly mentioned my plans for the next day to Christella and Trichelle, J.P. Trichelle’s partner surprised us by saying out loud “You are talking about D.D.’s new young boyfriend” We laughed so hard we got stomach cramps and struggled for breath. I could not see with clarity what was ahead, but I could see how open-minded and accepting my friends are. The freedom of the desert was alive and well. While I didn’t see a future with Mr. Man, my friends had welcomed him into our circles and joked about it, indicative of not judging me for the bizarre connection obvious to everyone around.
Galaxy is the first indicator of entering a wonderful place. The property the Lours acquired had so much for the senses to enjoy, with characteristic quirks of the Hi-Desert. Everyone there was in great energetic spirit and there was cleaver yard art all around us. Above all, if Galaxy enjoys an environment, there is no better confirmation that I am exactly where I want to be. Galaxy was greeted by folks familiar to him and as always attracted new acquaintances. His presence made for lively

#vixen #cougar #21 #youngman #affair #infatuation #deception #lust #sex #encounter
Fantasies about the potential adventure of his unusual anatomy would be creeping into my thoughts.
#cougar #glamourphoto #mrs.robinson #cleavage #phototext #fantasy
when I mentioned that I have never been able to take a sexy erotic photo, both ladies took this as a challenge….

conversation and there was live music for him that was pleasing to his rabbit ears. Mr. Man was tickling the back of my mind, but I was still clear and present in each moment. Mr. Man had been eager to meet Galaxy.
One of Galaxy’s many fans said something so golden that we all pondered. She referred to his “good” eye as seeing this world and his blind eye seeing other outer worlds. In this beautiful moment one of the many fabulous people of Joshua Tree gave Galaxy his very own mythology, which gives special insight to the intangible effect he has on people. I was grounded in a way that I needed, yet still lurking in the sky with this magical revelation. It was clear that all events in my life, any direction I take is sanctioned by this beautiful, delicate creature who I can wear on my chest in a baby sling, yet his spirit is that of the infinite galaxy.
My engaging conversations, with so many interesting folks, I had not been well acquainted with prior, caused me to lose sight of my pack altogether. I phoned Trichelle who said they hadn’t been able to find me and to come to J&P for our after hours gathering. The housewarming was winding down so Galaxy and I said our goodbyes and we went to J&Ps.
Living without focal points in the desert, one has to create their own and integrate them into life. This takes considerable effort though our Fab4 is my strongest focal point. This was heavy on my mind this entire evening and I felt an overwhelming contentment. January had been so difficult and unsteady, but I was where I needed to be and I did not have an overwhelming number of troubling questions outside myself, which gave me a content feeling. We took wonderful pictures that give a compelling visual of this paradigm. 
Christella left before Finesse’s friend from the college arrived to join us. I had not met this woman, but apparently she dominates male attention, which Finesse hates and complains about at length. Finesse was used to this attention being solely one on her. I was glad for Christella, the eldest of us, to have left as Finesse’s friend Raquel ended up inspiring a bizarre female on female sexualizing. Trichele had been drinking enough to tear down all inhibitions and could not keep her hands out of Raquel’s significantly large bra. Between this woman and Finesse, I felt like a B cup, even though I am a D. Finesse takes great photos as does Raquel, so when I mentioned that I have never been able to take a sexy erotic photo without looking
goofy and clown like, both ladies took this as a challenge.

#photocollage #diva #Mrs.Robinson #cougar #image #fantasy
I looked great in several photos at forty-eight…….

Challenge attempted and far exceeded even my wild imagination. It was around 1:30 pm and Finesse wanted to send the two best photos to Mr. Man. I didn’t protest given the alcohol still working its way through my bloodstream. Also curious to me was what his reaction would be. She said, as commentary, ‘…I took these …I thought you would like them.’ He responded with a text to Finesse right away. In a circular laugh, she showed the text to me. “Thank you. I DO like these. I LIKE them A LOT.” Our squeals and laughter made me wonder if we had taken a trip back to a sorority or teenage slumber party, but I did care, I was having fun. In the course of about ten minutes Finesse managed to take exotic photos of me where I looked like a woman and not a clown, I looked great in several photos at forty-eight, and said photos were ensuring a restful sleep for a young fella less than half my age. 

#cougar #Mrs.Robinson #attraction #21 #lust
My body was fully cognizant of how his hand briefly making contact with my knee effected me…

I am not sure what being an object of a very young man’s desire was feeding inside me, I could only feel the rush through my body, as I looked at the same site where he and I sat together and how he touched my knee. Swirling through my mind was the profound effect this fleeting moment had on me. A simple placement of his hand created a sudden turn in the tide that swept me into the deep-sea, instead of safely on the shore.

When I woke up the next day, as expected, I found a message from him asking if we were still getting together. He was like a kid on Christmas morning, afraid that maybe Santa skipped his over his house or that his fondest wishes were promised struggling to keep his eyes closed in REM sleep. When I responded with a yes, he went on to tell me how much he was looking forward to coming to my house. My own mental energy was focused on anticipating inevitable physical advances from him. Even if they were merely verbal advances, having me alone, they would be bolder than the hours after we met. There was no doubt in my mind what my body wanted though judgement was confronting me the entire morning.

I prepared a “cozy” spot in a back room of my house that I have been using as a tentative storage area. I brought in a TV with #virtue #faith #wisdom #morals #decorum #woman #maturnity #aspiringtogreatness VCR, bean bag chair and pillows. The signals of a physical intimacy I had just situated shined a beacon of light and I could not help asking myself what I was doing and why was I allowing this to happen? I had to think about what I was setting myself up to encounter. His hopes of a passionate encounter were abundantly clear; I knew what I wanted, but I have also lived long enough to be aware of the reasons why we don’t always get what we want. (Mick Jagger was inspired by this realization he wrote a song) I was also aware that whatever signals were readable in the environment in all respects I had the upper hand, not just because he was helplessly taken by me, but it was also my house.

All through my haptic guest preparations, I felt nervous and excited at the same time. My body was fully cognizant of how his hand briefly making contact with my knee effected me, and in a just a couple of hours both his hands could be touching my entire body by a simple matter of my making this choice. The heavy adrenaline circled through my body like a plane waiting for landing stripe clearance. The movements of my body, the desert weather, and my routine erratic hot flashes made my whole person feel like I had just stepped out of a steam room. I was so drenched by the time I was done, I had to change clothes.

I had set up a hospitable environment for watching a movie and “hanging out.” It was still my home. The decision about where to entertain this guest was intentional and calculated. I did not wish to bring him into the parts of my house I use often and entertain regular visitors. The most telling choice was not bringing him into my bedroom as this would be over an ambiguous line. Whatever happened between us, by some motivation, I made sure not to commingle with my daily life and what is most important to me.

In the midst of all this preparation, a reality regarding my age crept up on me. The reminder came through the sweat of my routine afternoon hot flash. How would sex even be possible? I did not have the essential menopause sex supply. At this point, began imagining myself sending him to Wal-mart, in the heat of passion, scrambling through the aisles, naïve to his given assignment. The picture of a 21-year-old guy fumbling the aisles for menopause sex aides was priceless! I didn’t have time to make the trip myself and I had not answered any of the many questions running through my overwhelmed active mind.

When it came time for his arrival, I busied myself with outdoor chores the way I do when I am expecting company. He sent a text message that he was running late, which gave me more time to reflect on the texting dialogue of the day before.

My face would be seen by him in the cruel light of day, making all signs of age visible. The silver quality of my grey hairs would be illuminated, glistening in the sun’s rays and my the crevices of my wrinkles would not be veiled in the romantically translucent blackened colors of the night. Would he see them? What does this young person see and how does this vision translate into sexual desires? I had no need for the validation, yet the circumstances were fascinating. At 21, I had nothing but an aversion to anyone my age or even 40 or older.

#Mrs.Robinson #cougar #cub #lust

My menopausal circumstances would also come to light and define my age. In our text conversation the day before, when i alluded to the light of day showing my age, he responded with expected naiveté, “age is just a number” I could write pages and speak about all the flaws in this clique. If he doubled his life, it still would not equal mine, yet I was his age once and all the ages after up until the present. I said this often when I was 21, thinking myself enlightened, through the years to follow would prove this false over and over.

He said something wise, which constituted a classic theme. Amid the declarations of my mesmerizing beauty over and above all other women, he said via text “…Maturity is sexy, like you. Immaturity is a burden..” He was right.

Just as he arrived, my neighbor stopped her car in front of my house and since I hadn’t spoken with her in a while, so I made him wait….

Cougar in the Hunt Part 7: Sun to Moon: 

 Ebook pending..

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Temperance & The Devil Part 6: Ambivlance

Continuation of Temperance & the Devil Part 5 

#MojaveAsh-ThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nativebirds, #nesting #wildlifehabitat #animallove
Each time I posted any animal photos, he was always the first to “like.” Original Photo by Candice Silsby

The natural world in the high desert expands all around the community that it surrounds. A joyous event occurred that thanks to the Facebook memory tracker happens the same time each year. The Mojave Desert Ash-Throated Fly-catcher, the previous year had nested in the Joshua Tree in my front yard. It was magical watching each stage from the building of the nest to the hatching of the chicks to the chicks leaving the nest. I documented all of it with photos and video. This occurrence had been a joy and a comfort enough to defeat every sorrow plaguing my everyday life and motivation. I would jump up out of bed first thing in the morning to go outside with a camera and take pleasure in their chirping and feeding. The chicks arrived about a week before the defining night of Mr. wonderful and myself. I posted photos of every stage, on a daily basis which was always followed by a “Like” click from Mr. Wonderful. 

#MojaveAshThroatedFly-catcher #JoshuaTree #nightsky #romanticencounter #CaliforniaHi-Desert #relationshipdoubts #love #love'suncertainty #fear
original photo by Candice Silsby

As he drove away, I let myself into my house and was greeted by my earthen angel Galaxy. My questions and confusion would be settled a little as I lost myself in loving and caring for him. Even with the message from Mr. Wonderful that he was home sleep would be intercepted by my racing thought.
The next morning, after the unexpected evening with Mr. Wonderful, was Sunday. I wanted to chat with him on Facebook, I supposed, to extend the intimacy of the previous night, follow-up on this new relationship. Based on my experience I may have also needed validation. I did have to pause, to ask if it was too soon and would I look too eager. I went ahead and received the warmest reception from him. This chat lasted for a couple of hours and was really nice as we actually became better acquainted. He was earnest, sincere, and enthusiastic it seemed, He sent me Facebook stickers during our back and forth. Everything should have been just right with a positive good start.

In situations where my heart is either on a bed of roses or a chopping block, I become confused. The beginning stage of relationships is something I have little to no skill; over my significant years I have rarely practiced the beginning stage as I either have a fling with someone or dive right into the relationship skipping the beginning stages.

At this point, it had been five years, and that relationship had been 7.5 years. That relationship was in a class by itself because we had already known each other for nearly 20 years. I had never intended it to last as for that many years. It was supposed to be a superficial, short-lived casual thing, but instead of it superficial-casual-long-term.

Over the years I have also struggled with an impulse to find problems and react to fear when a relationship begins, which is how I have come this far having few experiences with the initial relationship stages.

My head and my heart conjured up a conflict in a large cauldron with a giant spoon stirring all the elements into a whirlpool. This soup simmered as I stirred, between Sunday morning when we had our nice Facebook chat and Monday morning. Part of the recipe was a logical and legitimate concern that terrified me so much, the adrenaline required to face it also exacerbated the conflict and terror inside me.

animal medicine, animal spirit, the universe, companion animals, astronomy, stars, desert skyI loved the way Mr. Wonderful made me feel and at the same time he was fresh out of a relationship and I was afraid of being a rebound relationship to him. I was petrified of opening my heart just to find he did not have any real feelings for me. I didn’t want to but I felt I needed to put a stop to what was happening. I had to be strong and resist him and put a stop to what was transpiring.

I excused myself from our Sunday am Facebook dialogue several times, yet we still kept Facebook chat messaging, off and on for several hours until Finesse came for me. We went to visit her mother’s shop and later to a Tibetan bowls gathering at Bobby’s Wonderland. Mr. Wonderful had RSVP for it, though he did not attend. He was, however, there with me via Facebook likes and comments. We took photos of Galaxy that he clearly enjoyed seeing. I felt like a part of him was there with us.

The Tibetan bowls gathering was yet another magical wonder that is characteristic of Joshua Tree. During the bowl players break, the player made a beeline for Galaxy the moment he noticed him. He greeted and petted Galaxy warmly, asked me if he needed anything, and even suggested a spot where he would be most comfortable. The reception was comparable to what a little Buddha Prince would receive. We did choose a suggested spot that Galaxy indeed loved as it was very close to the bowls and Galaxy was hypnotised by the mesmerizing melodic echo of the bowls. For me, I was able to quiet my mind to a certain degree.

I had been going back and forth all day about my fears of being a rebound relationship and the love I felt for him. Honestly, I did not know what to do about the idea of either scenario, both of which scared me.

He message me when I returned home, eagerly greeting me with a sticker of two foxes doing the Tango with hearts all around. My heart could feel such an intense tingle for a moment, as I told myself I had to discourage him.

I typed out, I have to tell you something and. I really don’t want to do so like this….

Mr. Wonderful: Yes what’s the matter ?

Me: Again would rather not say like this and REALLY don’t want to have to…

Mr. Wonderful

Did I do something?

I understand but now I am worried   

Me

No….We can’t do this, whatever this is

Mr. Wonderful

WHAT?

Me:

U and me, that is what….too soon for you….

Mr. Wonderful: You don’t want to be romantically involved with me?

Me: I do 

I REALLY do, but not as a rebound…

Mr. Wonderful

#fearinlove #love #ghostsofthepast
I had been going back and forth all day about my fears of being a rebound relationship and the love I felt for him.

Agreed

Me: Just to be clear i do want involvement….just can’t…What r u agreeing with?

Mr. Wonderful:

That I too do not want a rebound relationship and I don’t feel there is a rebound here because My relationship with her has been over for some time…..

How could someone, 58 years old, used to long-term relationships possibly say that their relationship had been over for some time? This was indeed another red flag, though at the time I wasn’t sure if it was just a different perception. I asked him how long it had been, in case my information was inaccurate. He told me December, making the time only five months, so I replied:

Me: Not enough time……We can’t do this, I can’t be a rebound relationship.

Temperance & The Devil 7

 

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